Does anyone's out of town family actually help when visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound whiny. how old are you? You are physically recovering six months later? Did you birth an elephant? Sounds like you have poor coping skills.

You are so poor you just want them to pick up the tab for take out once? Wtf?

What a nasty and unhelpful comment. Count yourself privileged if you didn't realize some women aren't back to "normal" at 6 months out and/or serious physical complications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Hey Mom and Dad, we'd love for you to visit in April, but to be honest, we are up for help, not hosting. If you choose to come, please know I will need help with cooking, shopping, diapering, and laundry. If that sounds too much and you'd rather wait until we are back in hosting mode, then we'll have to talk later about visiting another time."

Perfectly said.

[Anonymous]

Are they baby boomers? My parents live in DC and haven't helped with a thing since i gave birth. I plan on asking my parents WHY this is. I'm interested in their perspective. They seem all about the take take take. In the past they've acted completely baffled if I ask for their help with something. Similar to OP, if I asked my mom to do the laundry she would act all flustered and want instructions and make this huge huge deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

I'm assuming they did enough diaper changing raising you and your DH. Why would they do it now?

And if you can't handle or afford guests in your home, why are you hosting them?

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's great when guests pitch in but why do you think anyone would be clamoring to change diapers? You are literally the only person who will think your kid's shit doesn't stink.

[Anonymous]

Both my mom and MIL changed diapers, did laundry, washed dishes, either made or paid for food (pizza, chinese takeout, etc.) They were happy to help.

[Anonymous]

Both sets of grandparents were helpful. They all have their specialty in how they help, but here are some examples: cook dinner, wash & fold linens, run to the grocery store, play with the baby, wash dishes. My FIL is probably the least proactive guest of the four, but when I ask him to help me with something around the house, he hops up & does it really happily.

OP, I assume you've tried asking directly for the help you want, and if they aren't acquiescing then I think you're completely within reason to limit demanding guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

I'm assuming they did enough diaper changing raising you and your DH. Why would they do it now?

And if you can't handle or afford guests in your home, why are you hosting them?

NP, but my parents have forced themselves on us several times. When a baby is involved it's not always up the hosts, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

I'm assuming they did enough diaper changing raising you and your DH. Why would they do it now?

And if you can't handle or afford guests in your home, why are you hosting them?

NP, but my parents have forced themselves on us several times. When a baby is involved it's not always up the hosts, unfortunately.

Yes, it is. It's always up to the hosts whether to allow people to stay in their home or not. "Mom, we would love to see you, but we aren't up for house guests right now. If you really want to come, we can recommend some hotels nearby, but Sarah needs to focus on taking care of herself and baby Sally, so if you come now, please don't expect a red carpet gala and do expect to help with laundry and dinner and such."

My parents and I'll-laws fall over themselves to help which I actually I actually find a little overwhelming. I am actually fine with them just doing helpful things, but it kind of drives me crazy when they ask a zillion questions about what they can do and how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

My parents are like this. I'm pretty direct, but they act so helpless that getting them to do even something small is a lot of work. My mother also gets offended easily, so I also have to deal with her martyrdom. I've accepted that they aren't going to change, so I have to find how to best work with what they can give.

[Anonymous]

Definitely speak up. My favorite visitor in the entire world is my mother - she just cleans my house, cooks food, grocery shops, everything. She doesn't do it my way but I can breathe when she visits and I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's great when guests pitch in but why do you think anyone would be clamoring to change diapers? You are literally the only person who will think your kid's shit doesn't stink.

I don't expect them to change diapers really, but if I am in the kitchen making them a dinner to accommodate their dietary restrictions and then cleaning up and doing all the dishes while they play with the baby--yes, I get annoyed when they are playing with the baby and then call me from the other room to come change her. Like, I'm cooking you dinner and have a ton going on and you still except me to drop it for a wet diaper? I wouldn't expect them to deal with a poop but a grandma who stays in my house for a week should be able to change a soap or two.

And for the PP who asked, the parents are ALL baby boomers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it's great when guests pitch in but why do you think anyone would be clamoring to change diapers? You are literally the only person who will think your kid's shit doesn't stink.

I don't expect them to change diapers really, but if I am in the kitchen making them a dinner to accommodate their dietary restrictions and then cleaning up and doing all the dishes while they play with the baby--yes, I get annoyed when they are playing with the baby and then call me from the other room to come change her. Like, I'm cooking you dinner and have a ton going on and you still except me to drop it for a wet diaper? I wouldn't expect them to deal with a poop but a grandma who stays in my house for a week should be able to change a soap or two.

And for the PP who asked, the parents are ALL baby boomers.

Also, they are all the ones clamoring and begging to visit to see the baby. I think they forget DH and I are busy and tired and hosting is a lot of work. We are trying to accommodate their wish to see their grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently hosting the second round of grandparent visits to see baby, and I'm super frustrated. We have 4 sets who all live out of town and they basically treat coming to stay in our tiny 2 BR like vacation and I'm exhausted. Even though baby is 6 months I'm still physically recovering from a very hard birth that limits my mobility somewhat still and baby has had health issues that have resulted in lots of night waking and consequently--major sleep deprivation for DH and myself so we are not really functioning well yet with all the demands of life and two full time jobs. Does anyone else's family actually help when they come? If so, what would they do? All I want is them to maybe pick up the cost of takeout one night or help with dishes but that seems like too much to ask. And I couldn't get either grandma to do a diaper change when baby was a newborn. Do other grandmas do this?

This is on you for not telling them not to come, it, if they come they have to stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws were super helpful when they visited. My husband warned me that they would help and if I didn't direct them, they'd decide themselves HOW to help.

So I made lists. A list of things I wanted changed/fixed in the house (leaking kitchen sink, balcony doors don't close right, etc) and a list of errands (return stuff in Gap bag to Gap, exchange Janie & Jack stuff for one size up). DH and I also had a mental list in our heads of easy/quick things we could ask them to do when they'd say "what can I do to help?". Actually, if you could take the garbage and recycling out. If you wouldn't mind walking the dog - she'll lead you on her normal route around the block.

I also introduced them to some nice old people their age who live near us, so they could go to the museums with new friends.

So.ebof your "chores" call for handyman, not what parents should be expected to do! If someone asked me to fix a leaking sink, I would tell you to call a plumber. Cooking a couple of meals, cleaning kitchen a few times, okay. Laundry, no way. Cleaning your house. No.