Physically heterosexual but male entitlement has ruined it for me

[Anonymous]

I think maybe this is the right thread to put this.

I ride the metro into DC every day and I'm constantly struck by the manspreading.

Here are all these women huddled in their seats with their bags squashed into their laps, making room beside them so someone else can have the seat next to them and not feel cramped. Even the fat ladies trying to shrink themselves into the confines of their seat.

And then here are the men -- not all of them, but oh so many -- who are silently messaging not to sit next to them because they cannot be contained to just one seat. Spreading out their legs, or sitting on the aisle seat while the window seat is empty.

I don't care if you're getting off at the next stop. Stand tf up then, and leave the seats free when it's rush hour and you don't want to be bothered.

And all the manspreading, because I guess your balls need their own seat.

In short, yes, men have a sense of entitlement that is even bigger than their apparently enormous balls when they're on the metro.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

What type of helpless, spineless, uncaring baby men are you people marrying?

My spouse, though not perfect, is nothing like any man described here.

He was in the military for over 2 decades and now we own a small business.

He has never refused to help with our home and kids.

He has supported me through an advanced cancer diagnosis, while working, and arranged household help.

He is supporting our kids as they obtain their college degrees, financially.

We are not wealthy, but he works hard to get that paper.

Today alone he installed a new hot water tank and a reverse osmosis water purification system into our home.

He's the least "baby" on the planet.

I have zero idea of what men you all are running up
against.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What type of helpless, spineless, uncaring baby men are you people marrying?

My spouse, though not perfect, is nothing like any man described here.

He was in the military for over 2 decades and now we own a small business.

He has never refused to help with our home and kids.

He has supported me through an advanced cancer diagnosis, while working, and arranged household help.

He is supporting our kids as they obtain their college degrees, financially.

We are not wealthy, but he works hard to get that paper.

Today alone he installed a new hot water tank and a reverse osmosis water purification system into our home.

He's the least "baby" on the planet.

I have zero idea of what men you all are running up
against.

NP here. I have an amazing husband too(and I am an amazing wife as well), but I have to admit that OP has a point. Most of the men I know can do a lot better. I know a handful that are great husbands. The rest are just horrible.

I have two girls, and sometimes I think I would rather they end up single than with men who are like most of the men I know. The numbers are not looking good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on the way you write and the terms you use (wanting a feminist man, patriarchy) I assume you are in college or a recent grad.

Why would you assume that? IMO, older women are way less likely to put up with patriarchal bullshit. And there's not a het woman I know who would want to partner with a man who isn't a feminist, from 16 to 106. (Seriously? Do you have middle-aged women single friends who are all "hmm, really want a partner who thinks I shouldn't be in the workplace or voting!! That would be a treat!")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
After I became a mother, I found that I was less tolerate of the babying that some men need. I used to find it an intimate part of a relationship. I'm a nurturing person, it's my personality.

But, two babies and a divorce later, I surmise myself by how turned off I can get by those little things I used to find so endearing.

Me too. The last thing I need is a man who is gong to "need" me to take care of his needs.

You all sound very needed.

[Anonymous]

There are so many more subtle things involved in being a male feminist - finding a man who would say "hey women can vote, that's fine" is not the high bar we're talking about.

Male entitlement is a much more subtle and pervasive (and insidious) phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

I am trying to figure out the mindset of these women -- and the men they reject.

It seems to me, these women want the men to be exactly light them -- personality wise, but with a penis.

My wife and I have different interests. Sometimes, we share them, but more often, we do our own thing.

Only twice in our marriage did I need her to take care of me -- post surgeries. And mostly to tell people no, it is not a good time to visit (day after major surgery, I was out of it).
But, apparently, she had to baby me.

[Anonymous]

In the absence of specifics, it's not clear why OP is announcing a command decision to stop dating or stop doing anything. "Male entitlement", "patriarchy": that really doesn't explain anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think maybe this is the right thread to put this.

I ride the metro into DC every day and I'm constantly struck by the manspreading.

Is that the term for putting your ginormous bag on the seat next to you, acting oblivious as the car fills up, and then acting like you have to give up a kidney when someone asks for a seat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on the way you write and the terms you use (wanting a feminist man, patriarchy) I assume you are in college or a recent grad.

Why would you assume that? IMO, older women are way less likely to put up with patriarchal bullshit. And there's not a het woman I know who would want to partner with a man who isn't a feminist, from 16 to 106. (Seriously? Do you have middle-aged women single friends who are all "hmm, really want a partner who thinks I shouldn't be in the workplace or voting!! That would be a treat!")

The problem is that there is no common agreement on the term "feminism." There is a lot of ground between "women should be allowed to vote and work" and "men are oppressors because they open their legs somewhat wider on the train." With the former, my reaction is "absolutely I'm a feminist!" With the latter, I start to understand a little better the reaction of the "feminists are whining snowflake" crowd.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I have an amazing husband too(and I am an amazing wife as well), but I have to admit that OP has a point. Most of the men I know can do a lot better. I know a handful that are great husbands. The rest are just horrible.

I have two girls, and sometimes I think I would rather they end up single than with men who are like most of the men I know. The numbers are not looking good.

Actually to sort of agree with both OP and her critics, I am *amazed* by the range of attitudes of the men I know well--and I am talking about the same cohort of 35-45 yr old, liberal-ish professional men. (So I don't know what advice to give your daughters!) Some are great, and totally comfortable with home/work balance, taking paternity leave and self-renovating the house. Others are unbelievably helpless, sort of combining the entitlement of the Mad Men era and the cluelessness of the Millennials. And these are superficially very similar guys--sometimes even friends. DH is sort of a mix--perhaps that's why I am sensitive to both sides--came from parents in a very (dysfunctionally) traditional marriage but pretty willing with a push to walk the walk, as well a talk the talk.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting that people view these as abstractions they can't link up with very common behaviors in our culture.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/m-blazoned/the-default-parent_b_6031128.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

http://healthland.time.com/2013/03/19/who-does-more-at-home-men-or-women/

https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/some-theories-on-why-men-dont-do-as-many-household-tasks/273834/?single_page=true

https://hbr.org/2015/03/the-5-biases-pushing-women-out-of-stem

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/aug/19/power-patriarchy-and-mens-contradictory-attitudes-to-women

http://feministing.com/2010/07/16/michael-kimmel-on-male-entitlement-anger-and-invisible-privilege/

http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2017/01/23/dads_don_t_deserve_praise_for_parenting_while_mom_marches_against_trump.html

[Anonymous]

I get tired of all the complaints about men. So many manipulative women out there. Also a lot of the good ones get taken early.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm interesting - tired of the complaints rather than assessing or discussing them?

Good ones "taken" early?

Ahem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on the way you write and the terms you use (wanting a feminist man, patriarchy) I assume you are in college or a recent grad.

Why would you assume that? IMO, older women are way less likely to put up with patriarchal bullshit. And there's not a het woman I know who would want to partner with a man who isn't a feminist, from 16 to 106. (Seriously? Do you have middle-aged women single friends who are all "hmm, really want a partner who thinks I shouldn't be in the workplace or voting!! That would be a treat!")

I got the same impression. OP comes across like a 19 year old college sophomore.

Time to go back to posting on Jezebel. OP.