Sexless marriage from a woman's perspective. Help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are both fit and active and in their 40s and he doesn't want sex then he is absolutely gay. Have a talk with him. Maybe you can find a way for both of you to be happy

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was there ever a point where he was a twice a week or more guy? If he was a twice a month guy for a long time he may have simply been doing it for your sake. Have you considered that he may be gay or have gay tendencies? There are plenty of guys around DC who would be happy to help you out.

He was a twice a week guy the first few years of our marriage, then once a week, then twice a month. It has steadily decreased over the years. Why do you ask about gay tendencies? We have been married for a long time. How can that be even a thought?

It's absolutely a thought, especially if he was raised in a religious household.

How do you become gay after 21 years of marriage?

The thought is that he was always gay, but repressed it. It certainly happens.

[Anonymous]

But it's not the only possibility - could also be asexual or low-testosterone.

[Anonymous]

I was married for 25 years. We had the natural decrease in frequency with busy lives and kids. As the kids got older, it got worse not better and eventually we were having sex once or twice a year. Whenever I'd bring it up he'd say I just didn't understand men's sex drives and he was tired or stressed. I certainly wondered if he was having an affair or gay but neither explanation seemed to fit. This was just one of many strains on the marriage and I stopped trying because the emotional intimacy was also gone.
After four years of no sex, he revealed that he'd been repeatedly raped by a family member as a child. I never suspected this. He was also struggling with depression. I often wonder a h/o sexual abuse is one of the causes of dead bedrooms. From what I've read, it's not uncommon for people who were abused as children to function well until they have kids of their own and the stresses of middle age hit.
Hope this isn't the case with your husband but wanted to point out that there are other possibilities besides him being gay.

[Anonymous]

Nah. He's gay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nah. He's gay

Come on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they are both fit and active and in their 40s and he doesn't want sex then he is absolutely gay. Have a talk with him. Maybe you can find a way for both of you to be happy

+1

+2

+3

[Anonymous]

Does he have any mental health issues or take antidepressants?

[Anonymous]

Ask him (kindly) if he has considered the possibility that he might be gay, and cite your dwindling sex life as the reason you are asking. If he's straight, he's likely to step up his game to correct your false impression. If he's gay, well, then at least you'll know.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

For some reason, he might not find you attractive.

[Anonymous]

Strap one on and give it to him

[Anonymous]

It would be helpful if some low drive men could write in and explain this. The way low drive women can at least offer their perspective

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was married for 25 years. We had the natural decrease in frequency with busy lives and kids. As the kids got older, it got worse not better and eventually we were having sex once or twice a year. Whenever I'd bring it up he'd say I just didn't understand men's sex drives and he was tired or stressed. I certainly wondered if he was having an affair or gay but neither explanation seemed to fit. This was just one of many strains on the marriage and I stopped trying because the emotional intimacy was also gone.
After four years of no sex, he revealed that he'd been repeatedly raped by a family member as a child. I never suspected this. He was also struggling with depression. I often wonder a h/o sexual abuse is one of the causes of dead bedrooms. From what I've read, it's not uncommon for people who were abused as children to function well until they have kids of their own and the stresses of middle age hit.
Hope this isn't the case with your husband but wanted to point out that there are other possibilities besides him being gay.

LOL you fell for that?

Gay guys use that "I was abused" excuse all the time as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be helpful if some low drive men could write in and explain this. The way low drive women can at least offer their perspective

That's the point here. 40 year old, fit, active guys are never low drive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was married for 25 years. We had the natural decrease in frequency with busy lives and kids. As the kids got older, it got worse not better and eventually we were having sex once or twice a year. Whenever I'd bring it up he'd say I just didn't understand men's sex drives and he was tired or stressed. I certainly wondered if he was having an affair or gay but neither explanation seemed to fit. This was just one of many strains on the marriage and I stopped trying because the emotional intimacy was also gone.
After four years of no sex, he revealed that he'd been repeatedly raped by a family member as a child. I never suspected this. He was also struggling with depression. I often wonder a h/o sexual abuse is one of the causes of dead bedrooms. From what I've read, it's not uncommon for people who were abused as children to function well until they have kids of their own and the stresses of middle age hit.
Hope this isn't the case with your husband but wanted to point out that there are other possibilities besides him being gay.

LOL you fell for that?

Gay guys use that "I was abused" excuse all the time as an excuse.

What is wrong with you? There's nothing funny about child abuse. And you certainly weren't there watching someone struggle to deal with processing this trauma through therapy. Have a little humanity.
Unlike you, neither my ex nor I are homophobic. He would have not had a problem coming out to me or to the world for that matter if he were gay.