Teen overreaction to punishment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the others that you need to address the behavior in the moment. By waiting, your kid felt like you suddenly got mad over nothing, and were penalizing her for whatever your issue was.

I'm wondering if you didn't address it in the moment because you thought it would cause a blow up then, and wanted to avoid that in front of other people?

This. Obviously you get to set the rules and consequences as you wish for your minor child living in your home using a device you pay for, but personally I think it is unfair to anyone, children included, to hold them to standards that were never set/communicated in the first place or to retroactively enforce punishment for rules not known at the time of the infraction. If you didn't like her behavior at dinner, why not address it then? She probably assumed it was fine - in her shoes my teens would have. Getting belligerent and hysterical with you surely warrants some consequences, but if I were you I would reconsider how you handled this whole situation before next time something similar comes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 15 year old here:
Yes, you should have shut down the phone use before dinner. But you didn't. Okay. It was a choice and there's no going back in time.

Your response after dinner was fine. Her refusal to give up the phone means she is not getting it back until Dec 5 (I picked that since it's a Monday. She needs another weekend without it.) She needs to understand that her response to you was so unacceptable and that you're not playing around. You giveth the phone and you taketh the phone. Period.

Let her mope away all weekend. And let know when she'll get it back. Write it on the calendar in the kitchen. She'll be a major drama queen. But she doesn't get to terrorize the family. One disrespectful, nasty comment from her results in her getting the phone on Dec 6. The second comment results in Dec 7. And so on.

Shut this nonsense down. Stay calm and stay united with your spouse. You'll all get through it. And she'll be perfectly fine without a phone until Dec 5.

Mom of 18 and 13 year olds. I agree with this 100% with all of this (including that you never should have let her have her phone during dinner). Remain impassive. DD can mope all weekend if she wants. Do not respond or engage in discussions about the phone. If she starts haranguing you about it, give a warning that if she speaks about it again, you will keep the phone for another day, and then walk away. Remain calm.

Do not cave on this. That would be a major mistake.

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

I'm the PP with the 18 and 13 year olds. I was like this at that age, too. Which is why I advise setting down clear standards for behavior and enforcing those rules while remaining calm and above the fray. Engaging in arguments, etc., just heighten the drama and push kids further out of control. That doesn't mean DD gets to do whatever she wants.

[Anonymous]

Dd sounded like she was acting like a brat. I think it's fine that you took the phone away

[Anonymous]

OP--any update? What happened today?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 15 year old here:
Yes, you should have shut down the phone use before dinner. But you didn't. Okay. It was a choice and there's no going back in time.

Your response after dinner was fine. Her refusal to give up the phone means she is not getting it back until Dec 5 (I picked that since it's a Monday. She needs another weekend without it.) She needs to understand that her response to you was so unacceptable and that you're not playing around. You giveth the phone and you taketh the phone. Period.

Let her mope away all weekend. And let know when she'll get it back. Write it on the calendar in the kitchen. She'll be a major drama queen. But she doesn't get to terrorize the family. One disrespectful, nasty comment from her results in her getting the phone on Dec 6. The second comment results in Dec 7. And so on.

Shut this nonsense down. Stay calm and stay united with your spouse. You'll all get through it. And she'll be perfectly fine without a phone until Dec 5.

Mom of 18 and 13 year olds. I agree with this 100% with all of this (including that you never should have let her have her phone during dinner). Remain impassive. DD can mope all weekend if she wants. Do not respond or engage in discussions about the phone. If she starts haranguing you about it, give a warning that if she speaks about it again, you will keep the phone for another day, and then walk away. Remain calm.

Do not cave on this. That would be a major mistake.

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

OP here, first I want to say that I did ask her to put the phone out to dinner, she is not typically his absorbed in her phone and I have never had this issue. My plan was to simply talk with her about the phone because I noticed that even at home that evening she never put it down.

Those of you that said she was most likely hiding something by her reaction was correct. Her phone didn't stop going off so I check the messages and she was in the middle of drama for starting to a rumor about a girl and a bunch of girls found out she had lied and we're confrtonting her about it and it was blowing up.

She is still upset at me and doesn't know that I have read her messages. I'm not even sure how to approach this because it seems she messed up big time and a lot of her friends are very upset with her.

[Anonymous]

Goodness sorry for the typos, typing with a toddler crawling all over me is difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, first I want to say that I did ask her to put the phone out to dinner, she is not typically his absorbed in her phone and I have never had this issue. My plan was to simply talk with her about the phone because I noticed that even at home that evening she never put it down.

Those of you that said she was most likely hiding something by her reaction was correct. Her phone didn't stop going off so I check the messages and she was in the middle of drama for starting to a rumor about a girl and a bunch of girls found out she had lied and we're confrtonting her about it and it was blowing up.

She is still upset at me and doesn't know that I have read her messages. I'm not even sure how to approach this because it seems she messed up big time and a lot of her friends are very upset with her.

I can only go by what I did when my daughter was young and what I would have wanted from my mom at that age, but I would call a truce. Forget about the punishment or whatever lesson on manners and authority you were trying to teach her and just talk to her. I wouldn't try to hide the fact you read the messages she'll find out anyway. I wouldn;t lecture her on the rumor- this is the time for loving patience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, first I want to say that I did ask her to put the phone out to dinner, she is not typically his absorbed in her phone and I have never had this issue. My plan was to simply talk with her about the phone because I noticed that even at home that evening she never put it down.

Those of you that said she was most likely hiding something by her reaction was correct. Her phone didn't stop going off so I check the messages and she was in the middle of drama for starting to a rumor about a girl and a bunch of girls found out she had lied and we're confrtonting her about it and it was blowing up.

She is still upset at me and doesn't know that I have read her messages. I'm not even sure how to approach this because it seems she messed up big time and a lot of her friends are very upset with her.

Don't let her know you read the messages. Don't give her the phone back until tomorrow or Sunday and tell her in the future she needs to do better with following your requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, first I want to say that I did ask her to put the phone out to dinner, she is not typically his absorbed in her phone and I have never had this issue. My plan was to simply talk with her about the phone because I noticed that even at home that evening she never put it down.

Those of you that said she was most likely hiding something by her reaction was correct. Her phone didn't stop going off so I check the messages and she was in the middle of drama for starting to a rumor about a girl and a bunch of girls found out she had lied and we're confrtonting her about it and it was blowing up.

She is still upset at me and doesn't know that I have read her messages. I'm not even sure how to approach this because it seems she messed up big time and a lot of her friends are very upset with her.

Don't let her know you read the messages. Don't give her the phone back until tomorrow or Sunday and tell her in the future she needs to do better with following your requests.

Agreed. If I read messages on their phone it's to keep them safe and out of major trouble, social drama is something for teens to navigate on their own unless they ask for input. OP, I suggest just focus on her actual behavior at the dinner and subsequently when you took the phone. The other stuff is her business and irrelevant to you for discipline purposes.

[Anonymous]

Don't read Reconstructing Amelia.

No, wait. Read Reconstructing Amelia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

OP already is in a war of control. She's losing badly. She should have been preparing for this throughout childhood by setting consistent expectations and enforcing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

OP already is in a war of control. She's losing badly. She should have been preparing for this throughout childhood by setting consistent expectations and enforcing them.

I don't think you have a 13 y.o. DD. And OP said that this is NEW behavior. So she's not had to enforce this before.

War of control backfires with some teens because at one point in their development, their brains crave drama. OP's teen might be in this phase because OP said that she was creating drama about another girl and got caught. If you have it out with your teen while in this phase of brain development, you hard-wire their BAD behavior because your response gives their brain the drama they are seeking. So all the stuff that worked with the younger kids doesn't work during this phase. Giving any emotion toward this IS a reward to their brain, thus the backfiring of that approach.

I'm the PP who recommended the book Yes, Your Teen is Crazy! (and other DCUMers recommended it to me last year). It very much helped.

[Anonymous]

OP - On any level, basic manners and respect are important for any teen to understand child to understand by age 13. Some family member(s) worked long and hard to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner (this was not some family pizza party) and some where along you forgot to teach your daughter respect as well as table manners. It also seems that she has other skills to learn about and thankfully she has been caught in "a lie" early and is getting her tart tongue fried for doing so. This may be teen girls being snarky today, but again, it does not make it appropriate.

I believe you need to focus on the immediate aspect of who is running your home - you or DD and call her on her table behavior. This holiday weekend behavior makes perfect sense for you and DH (if relevant) to sit DD down at home and lay down the new ground rules for her phone use. And this upfront will include that you must have password or whatever to access her phone usage at any time. I would also say any sort of online account,too. You need to also check your own behavior and be sure that you are not using your phone while driving, having conversations with her so that she learns to mirror balanced and safe usage.

***And while DD should at least be encouraged to write a thank you note to the family who hosted you all for the Thanksgiving holiday -- meaning pen and note card, leave it up to her to decide if she should mention anything about her phone usage as just getting her started on the idea of "thanking" others is more important You will be the one to write in your thank you note an apology for the behavior of your daughter to whoever went out of their way not only to have the meal prepared, but to host you, a toddler, a teen etc. I would take this as a lesson learned for both of you.

[Anonymous]

Are you monitoring her texts and social media? You need to be.