Teen overreaction to punishment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not have approached this in a soft, joking way during dinner. "Hey Larla, we miss you! Larla, come to the table." What you did was so heavy handed and after the fact.

Do you routinely model passive aggressive behavior in your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You should have discussed phone behavior before hand.

2. You should have had her put her phone away at dinner.

3. You shouldn't have tried to have a rational conversation with a 13 year old at 10 pm. The way you approached her was very confrontational and asking to get the outcome you got. Basically you were embarrassed by her behavior at dinner and because you didn't deal with it appropriately at the time you went into over drive and wanted to show her who was boss.

4. I think you've overreacted with the punishment that's going to get you nowhere fast.

5. It's pretty clear something is going on with her. Good luck figuring it out now that you've created a power struggle.

+1

Yeah, clearly written by the parent of a teen.

[Anonymous]

The phone for most teens is their "lifeline", however, there have to be guidelines/rules.

1. Set expectations before hand -if I see that you are glued to your phone during a holiday event then that shows me that you cannot handle the responsibility and you will have to hand it over
2. Don't be afraid to address the behavior in the moment - you are being rude and I will not tolerate this so hand the phone over
3. Don't wait too long to address it, especially by the time she is overtired
4. Don't have too much pride to acknowledge that you were wrong and should have addressed your expectations before the dinner and that moving forward there will be specific behaviors surrounding electronics that you will not tolerate

I don't think it's too late to address and turn this behavior. Otherwise, you will be constantly fighting for the phone's attention

[Anonymous]

I am continually BAFFLED by the number of parents who DO NOT stand up to their kids, and lay down rules, and god-forbid ENFORCE the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am continually BAFFLED by the number of parents who DO NOT stand up to their kids, and lay down rules, and god-forbid ENFORCE the rules.

Because for some it might mean that their kid won't like them. It's a tough road parenting when you're insecure to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Disagree with both of you.
OP's daughter sounds a lot like me at that age. Short version: being a hardass and showing who is boss and "dominant" doesn't work on every kid. OP does not want to start the war of control.

Not the PP you're responding to but I agree with them (I have teenagers). The approach is not one 'showing who's boss' but of logic consequences. The key is to do it without emotion and not engaging. OP sets the conditions for the return of the phone. DD controls when she gets it. Requiring civil conversation is not being dominant, it is setting limits.

Exactly. This isn't about the daughter wanting to take Spanish class and the mother wants her to take German. This is about the daughter willfully defying the parents with a phone THEY"RE PAYING FOR. When she can't handle it, it's their job to take this PRIVILEGE away and set the conditions for return.
--parent of a 15 and 12 year old

I've raised teens my kids are young adults so I get the whole parenting thing. I also understand the type of kid OP's daughter seems to be and what you and the pps suggested will not get you the thing you want from the child or your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am continually BAFFLED by the number of parents who DO NOT stand up to their kids, and lay down rules, and god-forbid ENFORCE the rules.

+1 But clearly OP has no rules. OP I agree with an earlier poster, you haven't taught your child very good manners. DC should have known to put phone away without you even having to say anything. And if she didn't, you should have said something at the time.

Not trying to be harsh here.


Why didn't you say something at the time it was happening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am continually BAFFLED by the number of parents who DO NOT stand up to their kids, and lay down rules, and god-forbid ENFORCE the rules.

+1 But clearly OP has no rules. OP I agree with an earlier poster, you haven't taught your child very good manners. DC should have known to put phone away without you even having to say anything. And if she didn't, you should have said something at the time.

Not trying to be harsh here.


Why didn't you say something at the time it was happening?

+2
It sounds like the teen has never been made to follow a rule before, which is why she's having an over the top reaction now. You can't randomly and inconsistently apply rules and not expect some bumps. That's said, I think you need to set your daughter up for success in the future (tell her what's expected of her) and hole the line if she doesn't follow through. In this case, don't hand the phone back to her today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is crazy, and I suspect largely filled with the responses from parents of younger children.

OP, you certainly have every right to have taken the phone, and your daughter was being fairly awful. BUT (and it is a big but).

1. You set her up.
You didn't react when this was small. My words when I don't want my son using his phone at a family event are straightforward. "Kiddo, please put your phone away now. Tell whoever you need to go and put it away. You can check in later." Usually he does it, but there was some training to get us there.

You stayed pissed all day and then after all evidence suggests you were fine with her behavior, you dropped the atomic bomb of punishments, without even letting her bow out of the conversation she was in.

2. What's your goal?
Teens are tough and they are generally crazy. You aren't going to get a perfectly behaved child that respects you every minute. If that's the goal I suggest you head to parenting class now.

Anything that you do that results in serious out-of-proportion yelling and drama was probably mishandled and will backfire.

You got obedience, but you will most certainly pay for this.

3. Hard earned lesson by me: solve any given problem when it is small or WATCH OUT.

Excellent response!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is crazy, and I suspect largely filled with the responses from parents of younger children.

OP, you certainly have every right to have taken the phone, and your daughter was being fairly awful. BUT (and it is a big but).

1. You set her up.
You didn't react when this was small. My words when I don't want my son using his phone at a family event are straightforward. "Kiddo, please put your phone away now. Tell whoever you need to go and put it away. You can check in later." Usually he does it, but there was some training to get us there.

You stayed pissed all day and then after all evidence suggests you were fine with her behavior, you dropped the atomic bomb of punishments, without even letting her bow out of the conversation she was in.

2. What's your goal?
Teens are tough and they are generally crazy. You aren't going to get a perfectly behaved child that respects you every minute. If that's the goal I suggest you head to parenting class now.

Anything that you do that results in serious out-of-proportion yelling and drama was probably mishandled and will backfire.

You got obedience, but you will most certainly pay for this.

3. Hard earned lesson by me: solve any given problem when it is small or WATCH OUT.

Excellent response!

Thanks. Hard earned lessons, I might ad. Parenting my son has made me humble.

Recently, after a great deal of thought (mostly on Yom Kippur) about
a) where my parenting wasn't working and
b) what I wanted my son to remember when he looked back on his childhood,

I gave up yelling. I did this by reflecting on what kind of conversations ultimately led to yelling and stopped having those conversations. I tried to get that across to OP by suggesting she start early.

[Anonymous]

She is 13 and OP your 13 y.o. is exactly like my 13 y.o. was last year. Now she's 14 and so much better. The difference can be attributed to time and the most awesome DCUM save for me ever: This book: Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!

Before reading that book, I would be doing exactly as you did, but after reading this book, I would have handled this differently. You will see! Your life will become much easier, there will be less fights, and your kid will be sweeter.

And let me just say this: advice from ANYONE who has not had a 13 y.o. DD is suspect. What works on toddlers to tweens does NOT work on many teens, and in fact, backfires. I say this as a recovered smug parent of younger-than-teen children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you do go through her texts and emails you'll find the real reason she's hysterical.

+1000. And it doesn't matter whether OP addressed this with her DD before, during or after dinner. Blaming it on OP is dismissing her DD's behavior. OP did this in private. My guess is if she'd said something during dinner DCUM would have criticized her for embarrassing her DD. OP handled it privately and I would have taken the phone away slso based on the DD's behavior.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others that you need to address the behavior in the moment. By waiting, your kid felt like you suddenly got mad over nothing, and were penalizing her for whatever your issue was.

I'm wondering if you didn't address it in the moment because you thought it would cause a blow up then, and wanted to avoid that in front of other people?

[Anonymous]

OP- you responded fine- I agree with the pps that you should have set the boundary before Thanksgiving. I have a willful kid and things go south if he doesn't know what to expect in advance.
If she has trouble controlling herself around the phone, then it stays home when it cannot be used.
I would keep a hard date on the phone return and not go tit for tat on disrespect between now and when she gets the phone back. I think it will escalate things. I would talk with her about her responses to frustration and help her understand that it's unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 15 year old here:
Yes, you should have shut down the phone use before dinner. But you didn't. Okay. It was a choice and there's no going back in time.

Your response after dinner was fine. Her refusal to give up the phone means she is not getting it back until Dec 5 (I picked that since it's a Monday. She needs another weekend without it.) She needs to understand that her response to you was so unacceptable and that you're not playing around. You giveth the phone and you taketh the phone. Period.

Let her mope away all weekend. And let know when she'll get it back. Write it on the calendar in the kitchen. She'll be a major drama queen. But she doesn't get to terrorize the family. One disrespectful, nasty comment from her results in her getting the phone on Dec 6. The second comment results in Dec 7. And so on.

Shut this nonsense down. Stay calm and stay united with your spouse. You'll all get through it. And she'll be perfectly fine without a phone until Dec 5.

Mom of 18 and 13 year olds. I agree with this 100% with all of this (including that you never should have let her have her phone during dinner). Remain impassive. DD can mope all weekend if she wants. Do not respond or engage in discussions about the phone. If she starts haranguing you about it, give a warning that if she speaks about it again, you will keep the phone for another day, and then walk away. Remain calm.

Do not cave on this. That would be a major mistake.

Yes!!! Do not cave. That would be a huge mistake. I agree with others that I'd be monitoring her texts and DMs on twitter, insta and whatever else is the cool thing very closely as well.