Did anyone ever marry you/others felt was not an intellectual equal? How did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

Have you or your friend considered that the fact that you have elite degrees does not mean that you are more of an intellectual heavyweight or a smarter person than someone without those qualifications? People are so hung up on degrees, it's ridiculous. It makes very little difference, it just means that people who come out of the factory at the end speak the same language and feel they have the same entitlements - like to be with their "intellectual equals."

[Anonymous]

I went to a fancy Ivy. I assure all -- many of my classmates were brilliant but useless. They can tell you pi to the 50th digit, but can't remember a phone #. They can tell you the PM of Spain, but not the name of their child's teacher. They will thrive in theory and in protected academia. They are useless at changing a flat tire, managing a household budget, and remembering to chew food with their mouth closed.

[Anonymous]

My good friend with a doctorate from a prestigious school married a chef. She's super happy and we're all envious of her dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype?

''

I haven't read all the responses, but I have a gut reaction to your post which is: you're a snob. The fact that you believe "elite academic backgrounds" are the primary indicator of intellect suggests this to me - you confuse the symbol with the substance. I've worked my entire life in academia, and I promise you that there are plenty of terminal degree morons out there, even in STEM. There are many gifted autodidacts and others from non-elite institutions.

However, yes, if there is an intellectual mismatch - like any other signficant mis-match on fundamentals (politics, religion, children, sex, etc.) then there will be problems. You should never, ever marry someone who you don't respect, and by that I mean: consider your equal. If you are marrying someone you look down on (intellectually or otherwise) then you lack fundamental respect for them and it will doom your relationship. I would suggest that an intellectual is defined by curiosity and desire to absorb information. Pedigree is a completely orthogonal metric. The fact that you are framing things in terms of academic pedigree suggests to me you feel that your partner and your friend's partner are inferior. I don't know about your friend, but you should do your fiance a favor and let them go.

Love this entire reply. Had to look up "orthogonal metric" though. Guess that's my intellectual curiosity bursting out....

[Anonymous]

Both my wife and I have good college degrees and MBA's. My wife had 1580 SAT's and full scholarships. Brilliant lady! I had 1100 SAT's and worked hard to be a B student. She had a very good career, I had a very good career. When I retired she said I had more common sense then anyone she knew and that I was a "strategic genius". I almost fell off the chair laughing. I asked her what the heck did she mean? She said "you can take complex problems, break them down into small solvable problems and then link the solutions to solve the big problem. It's a gift". I said that I did that because I wasn't smart enough to solve the big problem. She said....you are so dumb! LOL! Point being, you can be worlds apart on the IQ chart but that doesn't mean you are not equal in terms of brain power. I have a son who inherited his mother's IQ - he's now a successful doctor. My daughter inherited my IQ and ADD (which I had) but she is knocking it out of the park working for a leading social media company. My son's smarts and her smarts are very different. But they are both very smart.

[Anonymous]

Lordy. I love how excited everyone is to share their IQs and SAT scores on this thread.

Sad lives of quiet desperation on a Friday night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lordy. I love how excited everyone is to share their IQs and SAT scores on this thread.

Sad lives of quiet desperation on a Friday night.

Haha! My husband with a statistic doctorate from a prestigious school married me (a preschool teacher). We're super happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly ?

I am dumb as shit but I'm pretty so it got me a good life with a man that didn't expect me to bring home the bacon. I made a great Stepford wife. He makes life worth living and we laugh a lot.

I for one appreciate the honesty. The laughing a lot trumps almost anything.

+1

[Anonymous]

It is far more common for a man to marry a beautiful woman that is slightly less book smart. I think you are the loser here, OP. You sound very insecure.

DH is ivy educated, earns a seven figure income and has a prestigious career. I think he is an idiot often. Then we kiss and make up.

[Anonymous]

I have only ever seen an issue of mismatched intellects once, and I'm happy to elaborate but you seem to be confusing a particular type of education and set of interests with intellectual curiosity and flexibility. Your interests and "pedigree" don't make you smarter than your spouse.

The case I'm familiar with was a second marriage, a woman with a PhD who married a man who'd never had a career of any kind (old money). He also didn't pursue any intellectual hobbies or watch the news or read or follow the arts OR EVEN FOLLOW SPORTS. He literally just wanted to talk about the food they were eating or the wine he'd bought, and even on their many foreign excursions showed zero interest in any real excursions; the cruise ship bar was good enough for him. Ultimately this meant a dumbed-down wife who stopped being able to talk about the interests and issues she previously had.

Ultimately they divorced, and although that was due to his alcoholism, it meant that her life became more full and interesting again.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are both ivy league educated. We have friends and colleagues who went to a variety of universities. I agree that you seem to be confusing school pedigree with intelligence. I'm book smart. I crushed every standardized test that I have ever taken and can ace any class. I admit that I am not the most street smart person. I'm also quite shy.

[Anonymous]

The one that got away was less intellectual than I, so I passed and married someone more well read. I went on to get my doctorate while my new H. was chasing th coeds behind my back. I wish I hadn't left the first. I think about him all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both ivy league educated. We have friends and colleagues who went to a variety of universities. I agree that you seem to be confusing school pedigree with intelligence. I'm book smart. I crushed every standardized test that I have ever taken and can ace any class. I admit that I am not the most street smart person. I'm also quite shy.

Really? Even with the most anal strict professors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one that got away was less intellectual than I, so I passed and married someone more well read. I went on to get my doctorate while my new H. was chasing th coeds behind my back. I wish I hadn't left the first. I think about him all the time.

So you felt you were too brilliant or good for the first and went with a brainy yet promiscuous nerd who cheats on you? Sounds smart!

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to hear of these cases. I know of two cases of women with PhDs who married high school drop outs and both ended in divorce. I think some men feel threatened if the wife is much more educated/ book smart than they are.