Did anyone ever marry you/others felt was not an intellectual equal? How did it turn out?
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Anonymous
| I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype? |
Anonymous
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If an intellectual equal is key for someone then don't marry someone who isn't. It appears your friend has an issue and perhaps believes others might think less of him because she isn't as intellectually gifted as he is. Sounds kind of shallow. Or perhaps the opinion of others matters more than it should.
My IQ is considerably higher than my spouse, over 130 if it matters to anyone, but I could care less. We have interests in common, she has a thirst for knowledge in areas of her liking and she has talents creatively that I marvel at. She is compassionate, a great mother and now grandmother. Intelligence is something one is born with. Then it'w what you do with that gift. She has mastered things that takes effort, determination and caring. That is a well earned accomplishment. |
Anonymous
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Honestly ?
I am dumb as shit but I'm pretty so it got me a good life with a man that didn't expect me to bring home the bacon. I made a great Stepford wife. He makes life worth living and we laugh a lot. |
Anonymous
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It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.
My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him. I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture. Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father... |
Anonymous
| My husband isn't as intellectual as I am and academically I was much more successful. Every now and then it does bother me, but then I focus on all of his other good qualities - the reasons why I married him - to bring it all into perspective. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I both went to elite Northeast independent schools. We both went to top liberal arts colleges although I was not as strong of a student as he was.
I went to a top state school for my masters, but he went to an Ivy for his. I am first generation American. His family pretty much came over on the Mayflower and is Ivy educated for a few generations. We both had comfortable childhoods. The difference is that my parents started their own (lucrative) blue collar business while his parents worked in white collar fields. He is hands down much more book smart than me. He has a great job and is one of the most respected people in his field. I am much more scrappy. I take more risks and I'm not afraid to make mistakes. I started my own business. He would never do that. We are SO different in that way. He would smoke me on a calculus test, but I would smoke him on coming up with a business plan. I guess we are smart in different ways. |
Anonymous
+1 (another DH here) DW had a much tougher childhood than I did, and that's part of what makes her tough and resilient. We are both well educate (graduate degrees) and on paper, her credentials are perhaps even better than mine even (I screwed around too much in college and that 'hurt' my chances to gain admission at a top flight graduate school). But I landed a job at a top financial institution and am at the top of my field, earning more than 5x what DW makes. I have strengths in many areas (math/finance; economics; political economy analysis) and speak multiple languages so I am able to work with our kids on homework and projects in a way that she cannot. Does that make me better than her? No, but she seems to think so. DW is infinitely stronger than I am in a slew of areas that have real meaning in our day to life. Does that make her better than me? Maybe - but I certainly think so. We are a team, and our combined strengths make us an even more incredible team for our 3 children. We have numerous common interests, and even if we don't agree on things, we can respect each other's opinions on that topic. I guess we both realize that the strengths we see in each other mask our relative weaknesses, and that's a source of comfort for both of us as we know our partner can take over that issue and execute it. We've all been born with or developed certain talents and skills. What matters is not that you have them but as PP said, what you do with them. In a marriage or partnership, what important is to recognize and truly appreciate those talents and strengths in your partner. It also helps that even after 3 kids we are still crazy for each other and she apparently does greatly appreciate my talents in another area of our married life 
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Anonymous
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I'm multi-dimensional. I watch a lot of Bravo tv and Teen Mom and will read US Weekly. But I'll also read autobiographies and research random things that interest me, like the time I researched psychopaths or the time I research business practices in Japan as an American.
My husband is a lawyer. I wouldn't be able to go to law school. But I have a perfectly respectable job. I'm not sitting there with a dumb look on my face when he's talking with friends. We're married with two kids and a dog. We've been together since my sophomore year of college. |
Anonymous
OP here. This is where I am. I think it helps that we've been together a while and I've been able to see him in different roles. I appreciate all the thoughtful replies on this thread! |
Anonymous
| The issue I have is that both DH and I creatively inclined. We both find math to be our academic weakness. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been more intellectually stimulating to marry a STEM guy since I'd learn something new every day. |
Anonymous
Although above post appears to be flippant, there's some truth to it. Men will overlook lower intellect if a woman is attractive. Looks is the equalizer. Normal. |
Anonymous
Just because someone did not go to an "elite" school and have the proper educational "pedigree" does not mean they are not intelligent. THat said, I know many extraordinarily intelligent people who have spouse that are bight but not to thier level- BUT they have a much better EQ. THe two seem to balance each other out. You and your friend are friends because of your shared interests. Partner/spouses are generally better matched when they are not carbon copies of each other, but complement each other. |
Anonymous
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My husband is very smart. He does not have a college degree, but he can fix just about anything mechanical and explain how it works. He just seems to easily understand abstract concepts that boggle my brain.
I have a degree. I am able to study and regurgitate information, but I feel that I lack common sense. My husband's intelligence is more useful in real life. Our strengths complement eachother, but sometimes I do feel like the "dumb" one in the relationship. |
Anonymous
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My DH os much less intellectual than I. However he plows through life quite successfully, as a great salesman and brings home double thebincome as me. So i often think, hes definitely smarter than me, he's crushing it at work.
Because he doesn't think that hard on things he just forges ahead, takes risks, and things turn out well for him. |
Anonymous
| My husband is smart, but not academic at alll, and I am. I've learned a lot from him over the years. |