Did anyone ever marry you/others felt was not an intellectual equal? How did it turn out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my DH and have no idea what is IQ is, but he is certainly above average and is remarkably successful at work. However, my IQ is 150. We are mismatched in processing speed and memory, and it causes a lot of issues. It is hard for me to be patient (my job to get better at this).

My DH is a successful academic mathematician, and sometimes I feel like my processing speed is light years ahead of his. Sometimes he's damn slow when it comes to reacting quickly to things in the moment. But I can't prove math theorems or even understand them. So maybe keep that in mind when you're struggling to be patient - intelligence is not one-dimensional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's considerably more subtle than that. You need to learn to value non-academic skills.

My husband has a stratospheric IQ but is not interested in anything except a few topics and never reads anything outside those. He leaves the parenting to me. Culture and deportment mean nothing to him.

I'm the social one, with a measly 130 IQ, am very well-read and well-traveled, a good listener, plus I happen to think I'm a wonderful parent... yet my husband can casually troubleshoot whatever problem I happen to have, even in subjects he's usually not interested in. It's maddening! I brainstorm and talk to experts and do all this stuff, and he comes home and strolls over and immediately has the solution. Puncture.

Now if only he could troubleshoot his own foibles as a husband and father...

I could have written this. But I'll also add that I am more "successful" in my career than my spouse, despite his extremely high IQ (mine is also a measly 130 . Compared to my spouse, I have much better people skills, negotiating skills, listening skills, and frankly more common sense when it comes to navigating workplace politics. The inability to do those things well will always hold my husband back in his career, even though he may be the smartest person in his workplace!

I am similar to the above. Have a grad degree in liberal arts and a J.D. Spouse has a STEM degree and is mechanical. I think he is probably more intelligent than I am, but we have completely different interests. We do not read the same types of books, listen to the same kind of music, and are not interested in the same type of movies. ItHe watches sports, and I don't. It was a concern I had before we got married and continues to be an issue. Not sure he cares much, though, or that he ever did. We are so busy now with kids that we don't have time to do anything much, anyway. However, I think compatibility is a big issue. I may be the odd one, though, honestly, bc I don't really have friends with similar interests, either.

What are your interests? Name your favorite book, music, movie, other interest(s).

Think of modernism/British lit, philosophy, foreign films. Kind of sounds elitist typing it, but I can't help my interests...

[Anonymous]

"It's not how smart you are, it's how you are smart."

My husband went to an elite college and law school, and read the WSJ every day, and is brilliant in business and with numbers. But despite all his fancy learnin', he has abysmal communication skills - misuses words constantly and consistently, and cannot write to save his life. He is gregarious and outgoing but only really relates to people who are like him. He cares a lot - and talks a lot - about where people went to college.

I went to my local state university and earned a bachelor's degree. I am not mathematically inclined and I have no business sense, but I am an strong communicator and writer and I make my living in the arts. I have a high E.Q. and a very diverse group of friends.

I think my husband respects my intellect but wishes I was more inclined to read up on the news and discuss current events, as he loves to do. I wish he was more down-to-earth and compassionate; less stuck-up.

Interestingly (or maybe not), we are both Jews - but I am second-generation while both sides of his family have been here for generations.

[Anonymous]

As a young woman, I was more judgey about this phenomenon. Especially men who dated or married dumb, beautiful women. It seemed the height of shallowness. And in fairness to my younger, judgier self, it sometimes is just that. Shallow men go for looks, shallow women go for status.

And indeed, I am happily married to someone who challenges me intellectually, and vice versa.

I guess I have come to realize that intellect is not the most important element of a relationship - not mine, anyway. (And, um, even younger, judgier me knew that intellect was not the same thing as an Ivy League pedigree; in my line of work, I'm beginning to think the opposite is true.) Kindness, empathy, and shared values are more important qualities. And compatibility may be based on common interests unrelated to one's intellectual pursuits. For some people, it is their only passion, and they can't be with someone who doesn't share or at least appreciate it. Me, not so much. I enjoy Proust as much as the next guy but I don't need my husband to be able to have an intelligent discussion with me about Lost Time. Which is good, because DH is more likely to have granular opinions about Yemeni politics, about which I couldn't care less. It turns out that our intellectual pursuits just aren't the centerpiece of our relationship. Nor do I know any long-married couples with kids for whom "intellectual pursuits" are front and center. I like that we can have intelligent conversations about our respective work but those conversations are mostly about our interest in each other, not about intellectual exploration.

I have a friend, a 40-something single guy, who is just about the smartest person I have ever met in some ways. And successful, I think. although he changes careers with the speed some people change coats, he's done financially quite well at every one! He rejects every internet date he's ever been on as not his intellectual equal, and I can't help thinking he's going to be holding out forever if he's holding out for someone his "equal". I used to admire that about his search for his soulmate, but now . . . . I dunno, it's not that I think he should lower his standards; I just suspect he should re-examine them. I don't think he should marry a Melania Trump, but his single-minded focus on intellect seems like a mistake. He seems to think he meets plenty of nice, kind, attractive women, but no one with whom he can hold a conversation. I think it is just easier to fake "nice" and "kind" for a couple of dates than it is to fake an interest in the ethics of artificial intelligence (or whatever his subject du jour was).

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have really, really different skill sets. We are both intelligent in different areas. Sometimes I think that he is disappointed that I don't excel in his area - it's not that I don't comprehend the things that he works on, it's more that I am just not really interested in them. I try to pay attention for my DH's sake, but I would really rather focus on my own work, issues, etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I come from different intellectual backgrounds. Although his parents were teachers, there was less of an academic focus in his household as a child. I went to a big 3 and an Ivy. I think if he'd grown up in my household, he'd have done what I did; ie, I'm not "smarter" per se but just had different people surrounding me and different expectations.

[Anonymous]

I'm friends with an engaged couple. The man is very smart- top in his field, which has given him a bit of an ego. The woman is average intelligence, absolutely stunning, and a HARD worker. She's a trust fund baby and her family has told her not to work because she'll inherit so much, yet she worked hard for a good career. Not the most prestigious job but she makes about 100k.

Man obviously sees himself as much more intelligent and treats her pretty poorly because of it. He makes fun of her, embarrasses her, ignores her when she talks, interrupts her, etc. It's awful to watch and I don't know why she puts up with it.

Sounds like a lot of people here make it work, which is awesome

[Anonymous]

I'm hot and smart but realized early on that hot gets you a lot farther in life so I focused on that. It ha definitely paid off.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can be book smart to the tenth degree and not have much street smarts or common sense. I'm not saying everyone who is book smart (Ivy educated) is this way, but I've worked with many lawyers who didn't have much common sense (just my own personal experience). I'm educated and DH didn't finish college but he sure does have a lot more street smarts than I do. We compliment one another and make a good team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype?

''

I haven't read all the responses, but I have a gut reaction to your post which is: you're a snob. The fact that you believe "elite academic backgrounds" are the primary indicator of intellect suggests this to me - you confuse the symbol with the substance. I've worked my entire life in academia, and I promise you that there are plenty of terminal degree morons out there, even in STEM. There are many gifted autodidacts and others from non-elite institutions.

However, yes, if there is an intellectual mismatch - like any other signficant mis-match on fundamentals (politics, religion, children, sex, etc.) then there will be problems. You should never, ever marry someone who you don't respect, and by that I mean: consider your equal. If you are marrying someone you look down on (intellectually or otherwise) then you lack fundamental respect for them and it will doom your relationship. I would suggest that an intellectual is defined by curiosity and desire to absorb information. Pedigree is a completely orthogonal metric. The fact that you are framing things in terms of academic pedigree suggests to me you feel that your partner and your friend's partner are inferior. I don't know about your friend, but you should do your fiance a favor and let them go.

+1!

OP is already married. She refers to her husband. It is her platonic male friend who is engaged.

[Anonymous]

If you don't respect them, a (IQ) number isn't going to matter.

[Anonymous]

well, I have dated men who weren't that interesting or intellectual, and it was not a great fit. But that is totally different than being educated or degreed in a particular way. I am a semi-academic and graduated at the top of my class at an ivy and got a PhD. DH has a ba from a strong school but no grad degree. However he is incredibly intellectually curious, well read and articulate and I have never gotten bored or felt like we had any gap between us, except that he was in many ways far more informed about the world and current events than I am. My interests are narrower. I think he is a much better conversationalist and can hold his own with anyone.

[Anonymous]

Hmmmm..... This is a tough one ... It depends on what assets you value going in to the relationship..... My DH in hindsight admitted to me that he married me for my looks alone (not my personality) which on one hand is insulting but indicative of his superficial need for a "trophy wife"..... I went to an Ivy League school and grad school but my DH is threatened by my academic/career success and I have played that down around him/don't emphasize my work at home.... He would rather me seem his intellectual inferior (I have a faster processing speed and IQ).

It is hard to admit but it is kind of like the adult version of when I had to "play dumb" in elementary school ....

Our relationship works although here as a DW I can attest that many men feel threatened by a "successful" or "serious" woman and i tone this down in all contexts...

I'm not proud of this as I have a Daughter and hope she can be hot and smart some day without having to play dumb....

So long story short I think many men marry hot /dumb because they are not threatened by such women - and if you happen to be smart many men would rather have you play the hot/dumb role.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman; I have a platonic male friend. We both have very elite academic backgrounds and professions and are married or engaged to partners who do not. The partners are not airheads by any means but don't read the same books, magazines, have the same interests in politics. Among our friend groups, which overlap a little, we may be the only ones who haven't partnered up with someone of equal educational "pedigree"'or earning power. The partners have other stellar qualities--humor, great dad (for my husband), beauty (for my friend's fiancée). But my friend keeps harping on it and making excuses for his partner. Has this been an issue in your relationship? is it different if the partner is a man, because of breadwinner expectation, or woman, because of bimbo stereotype?

OP, the unspoken undertone to your post is that your male friend is attracted to you and it seems you are to him as well. Your friend continually brings up this "issue" with his spouse to you, and you haven't stopped him from harping on it. In fact, you've come to solicit the opinion of strangers.

[Anonymous]

No. I could not spend my life with a dumbass.