Stupid mommy! Mommy is stupid!

[Anonymous]

I do have a son with adhd and the discipline started early. He is too big to forcibly remove from a pool but I would clearly tell him it was time to go, why and let him make his choice. If he chose not to, I would take away screw time or whatever he held dear. This isn't rocket science - you are the parent and are raising a child that has absolutely no respect for authority. That affects more than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Several of you are preoccupied with the swimming pool scenario. My question is not, how do I deal with misbehavior at the swimming pool. My question is have you ever dealt with name-calling that randomly happens in an unprovoked situation? I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they know why it is happening and if they had a good strategy to deal with this very specific thing.

When he calls me names in response to me saying or doing something he does not like I deal with it effectively. Yes, I validate his feelings and give him a script for appropriate language to express disappointment. "You are not allowed to call me names, it is okay to be angry about it but there's a better way to say it." And then I follow through on whatever it was he didn't like or want and if he is in public we leave immediately and if we are home he needs to go to another room alone. I don't give in and I am the parent. geez people!

I am telling you the swimming pool story as an example of the many times when we are out having fun and out of the blue he starts yelling "stupid mommy."

I admit I allowed the swimming pool discussion to get into the weeds because I was quite surprised at the suggestion that I haul him or drag him out of the pool and that anything less than that would prove me to be a poor/weak parent. It would be unacceptable to me to physically haul or drag a 6 year old out of a pool. In reality what happened was that I disengaged, got out of the pool and said we were leaving. He continued his obnoxious rant for a bit more while I gathered our things, he got out and we immediately left. I am not going to stand at the edge of the pool and yell at him to stop nor am I going to drag him out of the pool and create a big spectacle. Isn't that just giving him the attention he seeks? Who does that? I would be shocked to see a parent do that.

I mentioned the ADHD not to blame it or gain sympathy, (and yes we have a formal diagnosis), but to explain that we have been told by professionals that punitive punishment that is unrelated to the "crime" is ineffective especially on children with ADHD and ultimately serves to damage the relationship between parent and child. We have received extensive therapy from professionals who have guided us to parent by encouraging the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative behaviors as much as possible.

So my basic approach has been to ignore this annoying/ obnoxious behavior but it has been going on for several weeks, probably most of the summer and it is of course really bugging me. Just to be clear if he calls someone else a name I absolutely do not ignore it. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation where the child starts misbehaving out of the blue for unknown reasons and if you figured out the reason and/ or a good approach.

NOBODY said to do that. Nobody. What we said was, use your authority as the PARENT to make him get out of the pool. This is usually something like "If you're not out of that pool by the time I get to my chair we aren't coming back for the rest of the week and that's a promise. If I have to tell you again after this warning, you're also losing TV when we get home." I realize this is foreign to you but it's ridiculous to assert anyone on this thread suggested getting in the pool and dragging him out by the hair or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Several of you are preoccupied with the swimming pool scenario. My question is not, how do I deal with misbehavior at the swimming pool. My question is have you ever dealt with name-calling that randomly happens in an unprovoked situation? I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they know why it is happening and if they had a good strategy to deal with this very specific thing.

When he calls me names in response to me saying or doing something he does not like I deal with it effectively. Yes, I validate his feelings and give him a script for appropriate language to express disappointment. "You are not allowed to call me names, it is okay to be angry about it but there's a better way to say it." And then I follow through on whatever it was he didn't like or want and if he is in public we leave immediately and if we are home he needs to go to another room alone. I don't give in and I am the parent. geez people!

I am telling you the swimming pool story as an example of the many times when we are out having fun and out of the blue he starts yelling "stupid mommy."

I admit I allowed the swimming pool discussion to get into the weeds because I was quite surprised at the suggestion that I haul him or drag him out of the pool and that anything less than that would prove me to be a poor/weak parent. It would be unacceptable to me to physically haul or drag a 6 year old out of a pool. In reality what happened was that I disengaged, got out of the pool and said we were leaving. He continued his obnoxious rant for a bit more while I gathered our things, he got out and we immediately left. I am not going to stand at the edge of the pool and yell at him to stop nor am I going to drag him out of the pool and create a big spectacle. Isn't that just giving him the attention he seeks? Who does that? I would be shocked to see a parent do that.

I mentioned the ADHD not to blame it or gain sympathy, (and yes we have a formal diagnosis), but to explain that we have been told by professionals that punitive punishment that is unrelated to the "crime" is ineffective especially on children with ADHD and ultimately serves to damage the relationship between parent and child. We have received extensive therapy from professionals who have guided us to parent by encouraging the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative behaviors as much as possible.

So my basic approach has been to ignore this annoying/ obnoxious behavior but it has been going on for several weeks, probably most of the summer and it is of course really bugging me. Just to be clear if he calls someone else a name I absolutely do not ignore it. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation where the child starts misbehaving out of the blue for unknown reasons and if you figured out the reason and/ or a good approach.

NOBODY said to do that. Nobody. What we said was, use your authority as the PARENT to make him get out of the pool. This is usually something like "If you're not out of that pool by the time I get to my chair we aren't coming back for the rest of the week and that's a promise. If I have to tell you again after this warning, you're also losing TV when we get home." I realize this is foreign to you but it's ridiculous to assert anyone on this thread suggested getting in the pool and dragging him out by the hair or whatever.

NP here. What happens when those threats don't work? The kid simply does not care if they lose the pool, TV, or xyz for the rest of their lives (or at least, they think they don't care and it's not enough to compel them to listen)?

OP, what you're doing is trying to use positive discipline, which is great, but there are times when positive discipline doesn't work and you do have to go punitive. You should ask the professionals who advise you to ignore negative behavior exactly how they would handle these kinds of situations. I too like the idea of positive discipline, but when you have a kid who doesn't care if YOU leave the pool because HE called YOU stupid, then all you're doing is allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. I'm not a great parent who has the answers, so I sincerely think you should consult the professionals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have a son with adhd and the discipline started early. He is too big to forcibly remove from a pool but I would clearly tell him it was time to go, why and let him make his choice. If he chose not to, I would take away screw time or whatever he held dear. This isn't rocket science - you are the parent and are raising a child that has absolutely no respect for authority. That affects more than you.

Omg - I meant screen time, not screw time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have a son with adhd and the discipline started early. He is too big to forcibly remove from a pool but I would clearly tell him it was time to go, why and let him make his choice. If he chose not to, I would take away screw time or whatever he held dear. This isn't rocket science - you are the parent and are raising a child that has absolutely no respect for authority. That affects more than you.

Omg - I meant screen time, not screw time!

LOL! I know taking away MY screw time would hit a nerve!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Several of you are preoccupied with the swimming pool scenario. My question is not, how do I deal with misbehavior at the swimming pool. My question is have you ever dealt with name-calling that randomly happens in an unprovoked situation? I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they know why it is happening and if they had a good strategy to deal with this very specific thing.

When he calls me names in response to me saying or doing something he does not like I deal with it effectively. Yes, I validate his feelings and give him a script for appropriate language to express disappointment. "You are not allowed to call me names, it is okay to be angry about it but there's a better way to say it." And then I follow through on whatever it was he didn't like or want and if he is in public we leave immediately and if we are home he needs to go to another room alone. I don't give in and I am the parent. geez people!

I am telling you the swimming pool story as an example of the many times when we are out having fun and out of the blue he starts yelling "stupid mommy."

I admit I allowed the swimming pool discussion to get into the weeds because I was quite surprised at the suggestion that I haul him or drag him out of the pool and that anything less than that would prove me to be a poor/weak parent. It would be unacceptable to me to physically haul or drag a 6 year old out of a pool. In reality what happened was that I disengaged, got out of the pool and said we were leaving. He continued his obnoxious rant for a bit more while I gathered our things, he got out and we immediately left. I am not going to stand at the edge of the pool and yell at him to stop nor am I going to drag him out of the pool and create a big spectacle. Isn't that just giving him the attention he seeks? Who does that? I would be shocked to see a parent do that.

I mentioned the ADHD not to blame it or gain sympathy, (and yes we have a formal diagnosis), but to explain that we have been told by professionals that punitive punishment that is unrelated to the "crime" is ineffective especially on children with ADHD and ultimately serves to damage the relationship between parent and child. We have received extensive therapy from professionals who have guided us to parent by encouraging the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative behaviors as much as possible.

So my basic approach has been to ignore this annoying/ obnoxious behavior but it has been going on for several weeks, probably most of the summer and it is of course really bugging me. Just to be clear if he calls someone else a name I absolutely do not ignore it. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation where the child starts misbehaving out of the blue for unknown reasons and if you figured out the reason and/ or a good approach.

NOBODY said to do that. Nobody. What we said was, use your authority as the PARENT to make him get out of the pool. This is usually something like "If you're not out of that pool by the time I get to my chair we aren't coming back for the rest of the week and that's a promise. If I have to tell you again after this warning, you're also losing TV when we get home." I realize this is foreign to you but it's ridiculous to assert anyone on this thread suggested getting in the pool and dragging him out by the hair or whatever.

NP here. What happens when those threats don't work? The kid simply does not care if they lose the pool, TV, or xyz for the rest of their lives (or at least, they think they don't care and it's not enough to compel them to listen)?

OP, what you're doing is trying to use positive discipline, which is great, but there are times when positive discipline doesn't work and you do have to go punitive. You should ask the professionals who advise you to ignore negative behavior exactly how they would handle these kinds of situations. I too like the idea of positive discipline, but when you have a kid who doesn't care if YOU leave the pool because HE called YOU stupid, then all you're doing is allowing them to have their cake and eat it too. I'm not a great parent who has the answers, so I sincerely think you should consult the professionals.

Very few kids won't respond in some way to those threats IF they know the parent will follow through. If they've already got their parents' number that parent is just going to pout and say "I can't control your behavior" then no, they will not respond. It's about follow through and actual discipline. Op got called stupid and left the pool and her son still got to swim. How the hell does that impact him at all? She has stated she prefers positive discipline even though it clearly isn't working and her son has figured out the consequence of calling his mom stupid is jack shit so he keeps doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a child with ADHD. She's also six. She calls me stupid, I haul her out of whatever situation she's in or she experiences some other logical consequence. She's not stupid - she knows what she's doing and that it's not acceptable. The adhd has nothing to do with that particular example of bad behavior.

What if you physically cannot pick up and remove your child? What if your child is too big or gets aggressive/fights back/doesn't cooperate, like in OP's case of leaving the pool? I am petite person and both of my elementary age children are way too heavy for me to carry anywhere. I have tried to take them to their room or have them leave a place when they misbehaved, and I have myself gotten hurt. So if you cannot pick them up and they won't come, what do you do (I ask in all seriousness, because I really have this issue)?

You're an adult with a car and a checkbook. Punish by taking away all they care about.

[Anonymous]

I have a son with ADHD and I do NOT tolerate rudeness. OP you can't be afraid of your child. In a recent situation we were at a swim meet and he started to get mouthy with me, loudly and physically - he was flailing around. I quietly got down his level and told him if he didn't stop we would be leaving -- he did not want to leave but kept on. I then sternly but quietly told him to sit and again informed him he needed to stop at that moment. He then tried to kick me and I said - that is it we are out of here. At which point I told him he could leave with me quietly at that moment or I would drag him out of there. He knew I meant it and we left. I told him later that I was so sorry that we had to leave but that I couldn't allow him to speak to me that way. He actually told me I was right and that he understood. He is 7. OP you just have to make him respect your authority and be willing to make a scene if it comes to that.

[Anonymous]

My 6 yr old daughter is a button pusher. Taking things away doesn't really work. Sometimes taking the iPad does but not usually. Her behavior is 100% attention seeking so in this case I would calmly but in total mom voice say 'that language is unacceptable. We are leaving now.'

My daughter hates being alone so me walking away gets her moving right quick but I wouldn't have any issue hauling her out of the pool.

Then no more pool until you show me better behavior and that I can trust you will listen when I say it's time to go.

[Anonymous]

This thread is interesting and while my approach to this situation would hardly align with the consensus I figured I'd offer my suggestion anyway just for the sake of conversation.

In such a situation OP I would find a good time when all is calm and have a little chat with my 6 year old...

"Honey, I know that you have ADHD and sometimes that makes you a little impulsive and hyperactive, etc. but I have to tell you something...Mommy has ADHD too. Yeah, that's where you get it from - from me - so basically that means Mommy can be a little impulsive and hyperactive too sometimes. So honey I want to warn you that if you even so much as think of singing that got damn song again, especially in public, Mommy may just impulsively flick the fcuk off and hyperactively beat the ever-loving shit out of you. We understand each other honey?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting and while my approach to this situation would hardly align with the consensus I figured I'd offer my suggestion anyway just for the sake of conversation.

In such a situation OP I would find a good time when all is calm and have a little chat with my 6 year old...

"Honey, I know that you have ADHD and sometimes that makes you a little impulsive and hyperactive, etc. but I have to tell you something...Mommy has ADHD too. Yeah, that's where you get it from - from me - so basically that means Mommy can be a little impulsive and hyperactive too sometimes. So honey I want to warn you that if you even so much as think of singing that got damn song again, especially in public, Mommy may just impulsively flick the fcuk off and hyperactively beat the ever-loving shit out of you. We understand each other honey?"

I'm going to guess troll here.

But if not, reinforcing bad language with bad language of your own? Excellent strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is interesting and while my approach to this situation would hardly align with the consensus I figured I'd offer my suggestion anyway just for the sake of conversation.

In such a situation OP I would find a good time when all is calm and have a little chat with my 6 year old...

"Honey, I know that you have ADHD and sometimes that makes you a little impulsive and hyperactive, etc. but I have to tell you something...Mommy has ADHD too. Yeah, that's where you get it from - from me - so basically that means Mommy can be a little impulsive and hyperactive too sometimes. So honey I want to warn you that if you even so much as think of singing that got damn song again, especially in public, Mommy may just impulsively flick the fcuk off and hyperactively beat the ever-loving shit out of you. We understand each other honey?"

At the start of the last paragraph I was rolling my eyes but by the end I was laughing! Ha.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain b/c your child sounds like mine in some ways. And there's no way I could pull him out of the pool as a coach consequence.

Here's what I would do *before* the next pool visit. Sit him down for a very frank talk about the consequences of good AND bad behavior. Set up a reward for a polite, cooperative afternoon and a consequence for rudeness or disrespect. And since one of the consequences is leaving the pool, explain that however long it takes him to follow you out is how early he will go to bed that night.

[Anonymous]

ADHD is not an excuse for this poor behavior, it's just not. I'm embarrassed for you, OP, because this is appalling behavior, yet you don't seem to have the guts to set limits. Do you have a spouse? Does your spouse treat you like crap too? I wonder if that's where your child is getting it from. I'd forgo the counseling for the kid, as it's clearly not working, and go to counseling for yourself. You don't seem to understand basic boundaries - that would be a good place to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD is not an excuse for this poor behavior, it's just not. I'm embarrassed for you, OP, because this is appalling behavior, yet you don't seem to have the guts to set limits. Do you have a spouse? Does your spouse treat you like crap too? I wonder if that's where your child is getting it from. I'd forgo the counseling for the kid, as it's clearly not working, and go to counseling for yourself. You don't seem to understand basic boundaries - that would be a good place to start.

OP, you should have posted in the SN forum. All kids w/ADHD are not alike and above PP not only doesn't understand that but is also trying to shame you and not offering any helpful feedback. Ask Jeff to move your thread to the SN forum, you might get more helpful advice there. Don't let jerks like the above PP get to you.