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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Several of you are preoccupied with the swimming pool scenario.  My question is not, how do I deal with misbehavior at the swimming pool.  My question is have you ever dealt with name-calling that randomly happens in an unprovoked situation? I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if they know why it is happening and if they had a good strategy to deal with this very specific thing.

When he calls me names in response to me saying or doing something he does not like I deal with it effectively.  Yes, I validate his feelings and give him a script for appropriate language to express disappointment.  "You are not allowed to call me names, it is okay to be angry about it but there's a better way to say it." And then I follow through on whatever it was he didn't like or want and if he is in public we leave immediately and if we are home he needs to go to another room alone. I don't give in and I am the parent. geez people!

I am telling you the swimming pool story as an example of the many times when we are out having fun and out of the blue he starts yelling "stupid mommy."

I admit I allowed the swimming pool discussion to get into the weeds because [b]I was quite surprised at the suggestion that I haul him or drag him out of the pool and that anything less than that would prove me to be a poor/weak parent. It would be unacceptable to me to physically haul or drag a 6 year old out of a pool. [/b]In reality what happened was that I disengaged, got out of the pool and said we were leaving.  He continued his obnoxious rant for a bit more while I gathered our things, he got out and we immediately left. I am not going to stand at the edge of the pool and yell at him to stop nor am I going to drag him out of the pool and create a big spectacle.  Isn't that just giving him the attention he seeks?  Who does that?  I would be shocked to see a parent do that.

I mentioned the ADHD not to blame it or gain sympathy, (and yes we have a formal diagnosis), but to explain that we have been told by professionals that punitive punishment that is unrelated to the "crime" is ineffective especially on children with ADHD and ultimately serves to damage the relationship between parent and child. We have received extensive therapy from professionals who have guided us to parent by encouraging the positive behaviors and ignoring the negative behaviors as much as possible.

So my basic approach has been to ignore this annoying/ obnoxious behavior but it has been going on for several weeks, probably most of the summer and it is of course really bugging me.  Just to be clear if he calls someone else a name I absolutely do not ignore it. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation where the child starts misbehaving out of the blue for unknown reasons and if you figured out the reason and/ or a good approach.[/quote]
[b]
NOBODY said to do that. Nobody. What we said was, use your authority as the PARENT to make him get out of the pool. This is usually something like "If you're not out of that pool by the time I get to my chair we aren't coming back for the rest of the week and that's a promise. If I have to tell you again after this warning, you're also losing TV when we get home." [/b]I realize this is foreign to you but it's ridiculous to assert anyone on this thread suggested getting in the pool and dragging him out by the hair or whatever.[/quote]

NP here.  What happens when those threats don't work?  The kid simply does not care if they lose the pool, TV, or xyz for the rest of their lives (or at least, they think they don't care and it's not enough to compel them to listen)?

OP, what you're doing is trying to use positive discipline, which is great, but there are times when positive discipline doesn't work and you do have to go punitive.  You should ask the professionals who advise you to ignore negative behavior exactly how they would handle these kinds of situations. I too like the idea of positive discipline, but when you have a kid who doesn't care if YOU leave the pool because HE called YOU stupid, then all you're doing is allowing them to have their cake and eat it too.  I'm not a great parent who has the answers, so I sincerely think you should consult the professionals.[/quote]

Very few kids won't respond in some way to those threats IF they know the parent will follow through. If they've already got their parents' number that parent is just going to pout and say "I can't control your behavior" then no, they will not respond. It's about follow through and actual discipline. Op got called stupid and left the pool and her son still got to swim. How the hell does that impact him at all? She has stated she prefers positive discipline even though it clearly isn't working and her son has figured out the consequence of calling his mom stupid is jack shit so he keeps doing it. [/quote]

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