Stupid mommy! Mommy is stupid!

[Anonymous]

My 6 year old DS has started singing this refrain over and over. I don't know exactly how to deal with it. It happens frequently in a variety of situations. When I do or say something he doesn't like and he starts calling me stupid mommy I tell him that I understand he is angry/frustrated/disappointed but it isn't okay to call me names. But often it happens out of no where. We were swimming at the pool and playing. He loves to have me throw water toys for him to dive after. Everything is fun and great and all of a sudden... "Stupid mommy, mommy is so stupid, stupidest person in the world" it is extremely loud. I told him I was leaving the pool and got out. He continued for a while and then finally got out and was quiet.

For quite a while I have been ignoring it. If I am doing something with him I will stop and walk away. Sometimes he will be in his room playing quietly and he just starts screaming/singing it. Over and over. I don't engage. I just ignore. Meghan Leahy had a similar column today about a 6year old giving sass and she recommended making sure the parents are in change and the rules are firm and flexible. I am willing to accept that maybe I can be more firm in rules and not try to explain and rationalize quite so much. But this stupid mommy thing seems like almost a bad habit. Of course he says it when he is mad at me but it happens several times a day out of the blue. He just does it when he gets bored or his mind wanders. I'm not sure how to address it. Any advice or BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Wow I would absolutely be taking stuff for that. No "I'm getting out of the pool" I would be getting HIM out of the pool and going home. Start taking his screens and toys and play dates when he does it and he will stop pretty damn fast.

[Anonymous]

I'm with PP.

I don't think it's enough to ignore or walk away. If my kid spoke to me like that at the pool, we'd immediately leave. If he did it while "bored" at home, he'd get an unpleasant chore to cure his boredom, then sent to his room until he could be civil. We'd also be losing screen time, fun outings, any treats, etc.

And I'd get my spouse/partner on board if you have one. He/she also needs to immediately institute consequences if he/she hears your son speaking this way. I don't care if it's "out of boredom" we don't talk about people like this in our family.

[Anonymous]

Although I don't have an experience with the similar situation but I have a 6 yo as well and he absolutely can be empathetic to my feelings so I personally would never ignore or say "it is not OK" instead I would say that those words hurt my feelings and make me upset (and I would do it with a sad face not an angry face! with a sad voice) and that should be enough. IME 6yo are fairly advanced human beings when it comes to the emotions of others so I would not use the same methods I would use with a 2 or 3 yo.
Have you told him how it makes you feel?

[Anonymous]

Each time he does it, take him home, and put him in his room "until you're ready to interact with people without calling them names". If you have to send him to his room three times, on the fourth time have him write "I will not call people names." 100 times. He can't come out of his room until that's completed.

If he does it a fifth time, he can stand, facing the wall, in a room by himself (no toys) for an hour. If he turns around, the clock starts again. If he talks, clock starts again.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

[Anonymous]

Calling a parent stupid or any other name is zero tolerance in my book.
I have a 4yo and anytime she comes up with something new that I think its rude but she may or may not, I tell her we dont talk like that and consider this your warning. There are no warnings if I hear it again. If it happens again she loses TV for the day. She may have only had 30 mins after dinner anyway but just losing that or the perceived loss is enough for it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

If you want to go this route, I think you give him a reward that works for each day that he conveys his emotions in a pleasant way.

[Anonymous]

Is this your normal routine for discipline? Ignore and don't engage? Is your kid on the spectrum or show a lack of empathy? Seems like a phrase calculated to get your attention (when he is bored his favorite game is "spite Mommy?" From someone who has been told is the "worst mommy in the world" when the I-Pad is removed or seconds on ice cream denied, I recommend you pick up a couple of books, maybe "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen" or "Duct-Tape Parenting."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

Do you have an ADHD kid, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

We used to have more traditional punishments of taking away privileges and toys but were told not to do that to a child with ADHD. The consequence needs to be related to the behavior. Taking away my attention seems to be the most natural consequence. But I see that I should have posted in the SN forum. You guys are brutal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

This. And I'm a hippie from San Francisco. You choose. Make him stop or deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

Do you have an ADHD kid, PP?

Oh please! She literally can't even figure out how to exert her authority to get him out of the pool when he misbehaves, this is not all due to the ADHD and had a good deal to do with the fact she lets her son control her. Making him leave the pool is absolutely a valid consequence for calling your mom stupid at the pool. ADHD or not, that is a reasonable and logical punishment and she says she can't do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should say that he has ADHD and traditional punishments like taking things away aren't a good strategy. As for the pool situation, I'm not sure how you woul envision removing a 6 year old boy from a swimming pool in a way that is t violent or at least physically domineering and aggressive. I'm not going to physically drag him from the pool. I left. I can control my behavior not his. But I would like a positive discipline method to help get rid of what has become a habit.

Your excuses for why you "can't" discipline explain why your son is acting like this. You refuse to be the parent. Deal with it then.

We used to have more traditional punishments of taking away privileges and toys but were told not to do that to a child with ADHD. The consequence needs to be related to the behavior. Taking away my attention seems to be the most natural consequence. But I see that I should have posted in the SN forum. You guys are brutal.

How is making him leave the pool for calling you stupid at the pool NOT a consequence related to his behavior?