What mattered with your kids in the long run?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

I'm fairly certain I did a great job handling caregiving of a spouse with metastatic cancer and child rearing. I know because I didn't like what I was seeing my kid, got good advice from sources I respect, changed my approach and saw changes in my kid fairly quickly. He is strong, and gentle and kind. He doesn't shy away from the hard work of living. He trusts me.

You sound like a great mom. Where did you go for that advice? I think what you did is amazing. (My own childhood was pretty much ruined by the terrible job my parent did handling other parent's cancer. I have somewhat forgiven them, because what a hard situation. But still, kudos to you.)

Thanks for that. I got that advice from an acquaintance who was finished with her own treatment and who has lovely kids. I've done some other things less well, and I'm not sure I took good enough care of myself in those years, but I did the caregiving well. It helped that I had a supportive employer who allowed a great deal of flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

Maybe. It can also be an elaborate justification for favoring one child over another. I have friends who do this and this is probably what they tell themselves. The fact that you're so adamant about it makes me wonder. No, every day doesn't need to meet a fairness balance test. But it should over the course of a month or so. Otherwise, you're teaching your child that he r she doesn't matter as much as their sibling. I see this all the time, and it breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

You can't. I agree with your line of thinking.

Each kid is different. Parenting styles are different. I had friends who were latchkey kids who turned out to well adjusted and happy. I had a SAHM mom and a dad who was always home, too, b/c he had a thriving business he could trust others to run for him.

totally different situations with similar outcomes

There's no secret answer, OP. People can share all they want, but there are no guarantees that your kids will be happy and well adjusted. simply too many factors beyond our control that are at play in our children's lives

I agree. As I was reading through these postings I kept thinking that the responses were a way for the parents to pat themselves on the back to what they thought they did right. Doesn't mean they got it right though. A better (and quite frankly more accurate) thread would be to ask each person what their parents did right. I bet the perspective from the child would be vastly different from the parents.

Case in point, if you were to ask my deceased mother what she did right, she would 100% tell you that taking us to church and raising us in the Lord was her biggest accomplishment. I, on the other hand would say WRONG! My mother was a bible thumping zealot and to this day she is the reason that I don't really like organized religion. She over did it. I would tell you that the best thing about how she raised us was to speak our minds. She was also very articulate, people respected her a great deal and she was a leader. The way she carried herself is how I model myself.

Nice thread idea, just aimed at the wrong group IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could anyone possibly know what made the difference (if anything) in the long run?

You can't. I agree with your line of thinking.

Each kid is different. Parenting styles are different. I had friends who were latchkey kids who turned out to well adjusted and happy. I had a SAHM mom and a dad who was always home, too, b/c he had a thriving business he could trust others to run for him.

totally different situations with similar outcomes

There's no secret answer, OP. People can share all they want, but there are no guarantees that your kids will be happy and well adjusted. simply too many factors beyond our control that are at play in our children's lives

I agree. As I was reading through these postings I kept thinking that the responses were a way for the parents to pat themselves on the back to what they thought they did right. Doesn't mean they got it right though. A better (and quite frankly more accurate) thread would be to ask each person what their parents did right. I bet the perspective from the child would be vastly different from the parents.

Case in point, if you were to ask my deceased mother what she did right, she would 100% tell you that taking us to church and raising us in the Lord was her biggest accomplishment. I, on the other hand would say WRONG! My mother was a bible thumping zealot and to this day she is the reason that I don't really like organized religion. She over did it. I would tell you that the best thing about how she raised us was to speak our minds. She was also very articulate, people respected her a great deal and she was a leader. The way she carried herself is how I model myself.

Nice thread idea, just aimed at the wrong group IMO.

OP here. Nope, right group. I wanted to ask parents of adults what they think was important long run. Again, when you're in the weeds of small child childcare, and so are the rest of your peers, and the world seems to have gone hyper competitive, it's easy to lose focus on what actually mattered. Yes, some parents may have drastically wrong ideas - my own father credits his religious instruction of us as being the most important thing; my mother says it's because we're basically good people - but I credit most adults with knowing what mattered for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Gotcha. Just wondering why you'd rather not go to the source directly and ask. The kid (who's now an adult) would be able to tell you what worked best for them at certain development phases and what didn't. The kid knows, the parent is only assuming. I have grown kids btw. If a person asked me what methods worked best for them while they were in my presence, I'd say ask them.

In any event, enjoying this thread!

[Anonymous]

As a totally stressed parent of 4 young kids, I am thoroughly enjoying and memorizing this thread. If I end up with 4 working, self-supporting, nice, not on drugs adults, I will consider my life's work a success.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are grown. DH and I focused on teaching two things.

1. They learned to be deeply kind.

2. They learned to love to read.

That's what we focused on, day in and day out. Year after year, for each child. Kindness to others: self-compassion as well.

We read aloud nightly to each of them through fifth grade, which was years after they could read to themselves. (They also read to themselves every day because they all became bookworms).

If you have those two things in place by the the kids leave home, they have the tools for a great adulthood, IMHO. They seek out kind people to be around, because that is what is familiar, and they can get along with people due to their consistent kindness (including marriages and colleagues and their own children and their parents!) because of #1.

Regarding priority #2: you can get the information you need to learn about any aspect of life, as you live it, decade by decade, by reading (and loving it)

That's it. Too many priorities will muddy the waters in parenting. Keep it simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

Maybe. It can also be an elaborate justification for favoring one child over another. I have friends who do this and this is probably what they tell themselves. The fact that you're so adamant about it makes me wonder. No, every day doesn't need to meet a fairness balance test. But it should over the course of a month or so. Otherwise, you're teaching your child that he r she doesn't matter as much as their sibling. I see this all the time, and it breaks my heart.

You are projecting way too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are grown. DH and I focused on teaching two things.

1. They learned to be deeply kind.

2. They learned to love to read.

That's what we focused on, day in and day out. Year after year, for each child. Kindness to others: self-compassion as well.

We read aloud nightly to each of them through fifth grade, which was years after they could read to themselves. (They also read to themselves every day because they all became bookworms).

If you have those two things in place by the the kids leave home, they have the tools for a great adulthood, IMHO. They seek out kind people to be around, because that is what is familiar, and they can get along with people due to their consistent kindness (including marriages and colleagues and their own children and their parents!) because of #1.

Regarding priority #2: you can get the information you need to learn about any aspect of life, as you live it, decade by decade, by reading (and loving it)

That's it. Too many priorities will muddy the waters in parenting. Keep it simple.

Guess my dyslexic kid is screwed. She will never live to read. She's very curious, though, and learns in many other ways. Guess all of your reading didn't open your mind.

[Anonymous]

Pp here who focused on kindness and reading. Yes, one of our kids does have dyslexia. He had a longer road to learning to read- and to learning to read for information he needed and for pleasure. So I get that. It's not an easy path. He did benefit as much as the other kids by being read aloud to through fifth grade. That was very helpful to his ability to read and to his love for reading.

I do get your concern about dyslexia and I do agree that many people do not understand it. I apologize if I came across as close-minded. I agree that many kids and adults with dyslexia do not develop a love of reading. Point well taken. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here who focused on kindness and reading. Yes, one of our kids does have dyslexia. He had a longer road to learning to read- and to learning to read for information he needed and for pleasure. So I get that. It's not an easy path. He did benefit as much as the other kids by being read aloud to through fifth grade. That was very helpful to his ability to read and to his love for reading.

I do get your concern about dyslexia and I do agree that many people do not understand it. I apologize if I came across as close-minded. I agree that many kids and adults with dyslexia do not develop a love of reading. Point well taken. Thank you.

Thanks! I appreciate your response. I know I came off as nasty. I'm sorry about that. It is a sore spot for me. I wish my DD loved to read! And I worry about her . . . a lot. FWIW, I also hate when I read about how kids from higher SES homes are better readers, when they tell you the best thing you can do to make your child a reader is read to them, etc. I did everything I was supposed to, yet she struggles so much to read and she really hates it. She does love to be read to, though, and she loves audio books, so that's something, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp here who focused on kindness and reading. Yes, one of our kids does have dyslexia. He had a longer road to learning to read- and to learning to read for information he needed and for pleasure. So I get that. It's not an easy path. He did benefit as much as the other kids by being read aloud to through fifth grade. That was very helpful to his ability to read and to his love for reading.

I do get your concern about dyslexia and I do agree that many people do not understand it. I apologize if I came across as close-minded. I agree that many kids and adults with dyslexia do not develop a love of reading. Point well taken. Thank you.

Thanks! I appreciate your response. I know I came off as nasty. I'm sorry about that. It is a sore spot for me. I wish my DD loved to read! And I worry about her . . . a lot. FWIW, I also hate when I read about how kids from higher SES homes are better readers, when they tell you the best thing you can do to make your child a reader is read to them, etc. I did everything I was supposed to, yet she struggles so much to read and she really hates it. She does love to be read to, though, and she loves audio books, so that's something, I guess.

Dislexic mom, My brother had related reading disabilities and grew to love books through being read to (books on tape, bbc radio dramas, and whatever other format came along). Not the same and not until his twenties, but not nothing either.

[Anonymous]

We stuck it out through some very bad years of marriage, exacerbated when kids had problems in school, socially. We are now enjoying being grandparents and spending lots of quality time with our grown kids and growing grandkids. It was totally worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

I disagree with you and agree with the prior poster. Fair is not equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

I disagree with you and agree with the prior poster. Fair is not equal.

All the PP's debating this topic, I think you're not on the same page about what equality and fairness mean. Try googling "equality vs fairness" images and looking up the one with the boxes. Should clear up a lot of this disagreement.