What mattered with your kids in the long run?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

Maybe. It can also be an elaborate justification for favoring one child over another. I have friends who do this and this is probably what they tell themselves. The fact that you're so adamant about it makes me wonder. No, every day doesn't need to meet a fairness balance test. But it should over the course of a month or so. Otherwise, you're teaching your child that he r she doesn't matter as much as their sibling. I see this all the time, and it breaks my heart.

You are projecting way too much.

Not the PP, here, but I don't think you know what projecting is. For the PP to be projecting, she would have to be guilty of making elaborate justifications for favoring one child over another.

I see lots of situations where fairness never balances out -- apparently some parents just can't resist playing favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Teaching them from a very young age that if everything is equal then nothing is special. That fair does not mean everyone gets the exact same thing; fair means everyone gets most of their needs met at different times and different ways.

Don't fight over food.

Sounds like gibberish - or a convoluted excuse not to make the effort to be genuinely "fair"

Equal is not fair.

We are not a society of animatrons Exactly. Like. One. Another.

We all have different needs.

My kids don't bean count. They don't whine about "it's not fair!" They are happy for.their siblings successes and they understand that each of them has different needs.

I have friends who jump through hoops to make sure everything is 100% equal every time. And when shit happens and things aren't completely equal, their kid shave trouble handling it and/or mom tears herself up feeling guilty.

All of my kids get their true needs met. Their want-"needs" are all met in different ways on different timelines.

If you are making everything equal for your kids under the guise of "fairness" then you are doing them a huge disservice.

Maybe. It can also be an elaborate justification for favoring one child over another. I have friends who do this and this is probably what they tell themselves. The fact that you're so adamant about it makes me wonder. No, every day doesn't need to meet a fairness balance test. But it should over the course of a month or so. Otherwise, you're teaching your child that he r she doesn't matter as much as their sibling. I see this all the time, and it breaks my heart.

You are projecting way too much.

Not the PP, here, but I don't think you know what projecting is. For the PP to be projecting, she would have to be guilty of making elaborate justifications for favoring one child over another.

I see lots of situations where fairness never balances out -- apparently some parents just can't resist playing favorites.

and some adult kids are still bemoaning that their parents (in their opinion) played favorites. Even if they did. Get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are grown. DH and I focused on teaching two things.

1. They learned to be deeply kind.

2. They learned to love to read.

That's what we focused on, day in and day out. Year after year, for each child. Kindness to others: self-compassion as well.

We read aloud nightly to each of them through fifth grade, which was years after they could read to themselves. (They also read to themselves every day because they all became bookworms).

If you have those two things in place by the the kids leave home, they have the tools for a great adulthood, IMHO. They seek out kind people to be around, because that is what is familiar, and they can get along with people due to their consistent kindness (including marriages and colleagues and their own children and their parents!) because of #1.

Regarding priority #2: you can get the information you need to learn about any aspect of life, as you live it, decade by decade, by reading (and loving it)

That's it. Too many priorities will muddy the waters in parenting. Keep it simple.

Guess my dyslexic kid is screwed. She will never live to read. She's very curious, though, and learns in many other ways. Guess all of your reading didn't open your mind.

Audio books do the same thing for my child with dyslexia.

[Anonymous]

they show up with so much of themselves already in place![google]

true

Teaching "a love of reading" is a fallacy. Pat yourself on the back - but it wasn't all because of you. Certainly it's much better to expose kids to books (or tapes) as much as possible ... duh! But you're no Super Mom because your kid likes to read. That's not you.

[Anonymous]

i want to answer this for myself. (I'm in my 40s, parents in their 70s). The thing that made a huge difference was my parents paying for my college education. I know that was a long time ago and it makes me incredibly sad that doing this now is beyond the reach of almost every middle class family. My parents were government employees from large immigrant families who came to this country with nothing; they sacrificed a lot to put me and my siblings through school. Leaving college without debt enabled me to choose a career in public service and still support my family. It has let me have jobs I love where I feel like I am making a difference.

I know many will flame me for suggesting something that is about money. But I put this in the "acts of service" (5 love languages) category. When I was young I hated that my parents were so strict, that they didn't talk with me the way other american parents did. But since becoming a parent myself and through growing older I learned to understand how they were expressing their love and to value what a gift it was that they gave me.

In other words, I think as long as you keep trying from a place of love to do what is best for your child hopefully they will understand it in the end. It may not always make them happy with you in a specific moment but hopefully it will help them feel valued and cherished.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i want to answer this for myself. (I'm in my 40s, parents in their 70s). The thing that made a huge difference was my parents paying for my college education. I know that was a long time ago and it makes me incredibly sad that doing this now is beyond the reach of almost every middle class family. My parents were government employees from large immigrant families who came to this country with nothing; they sacrificed a lot to put me and my siblings through school. Leaving college without debt enabled me to choose a career in public service and still support my family. It has let me have jobs I love where I feel like I am making a difference.

I know many will flame me for suggesting something that is about money. But I put this in the "acts of service" (5 love languages) category. When I was young I hated that my parents were so strict, that they didn't talk with me the way other american parents did. But since becoming a parent myself and through growing older I learned to understand how they were expressing their love and to value what a gift it was that they gave me.

In other words, I think as long as you keep trying from a place of love to do what is best for your child hopefully they will understand it in the end. It may not always make them happy with you in a specific moment but hopefully it will help them feel valued and cherished.

My parents did this too and we are doing it for our children. My parents were also the strict parents on the block. The other kids onthe block heard, "If Larla's parents say yes, then you can go".

[Amazin]

1. Set a good example as parents. You all should know what that means.
2. Guide them, don't direct them. Ask them questions, don't just give them answers.
3. Read to them.....a lot.
4. Help them learn from failing.
5. Don't be helicopter parents. Teach them to stand on their own two feet.
6. Teach them to give back.
7. Let them know you love them. My kids are all around 30 and at the end of every phone call I say "love you"! I do the same with my wife every time I leave the house. You never know when it will be the last time you see someone so why not end it with "love you".