Saying "no thank you" to toddlers

[Anonymous]

We use a positive approach 95% of the time. Instead of "No throwing mulch" it is "mulch stays on the ground". "No yelling" it is "too loud, my ears hurt, use a good voice".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do it to be polite. I prefers toddler to say no thank you to me, so I model the same behavior for him.

"No thank you' is for when you offer something, food or otherwise, and they say this if they don't want what is offered. You do not say, "no. Thank you" when correcting bad behavior. Absolutely ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We use a positive approach 95% of the time. Instead of "No throwing mulch" it is "mulch stays on the ground". "No yelling" it is "too loud, my ears hurt, use a good voice".

This. If they hear “no” all the time, they start to tune it out. Telling them what you want them to do instead sets up a better chance of success. And they’re more likely to actually listen to “no” in a truly dangerous situation.

[Anonymous]

I started saying the "no thank you" thing because I heard DD's daycare teachers say it and wanted to be consistent...first time parent and just trying to figure it all out. We've phased it out a bit and don't say it as much. Thinking about it, I agree it doesn't really make sense!

[Anonymous]

Huh? Absolute confusion in your psychology behind it.

[Anonymous]

In the minority, apparently but I'm firmly on team "no thank you".

I even still use it with my kids now that they are older to emphasize - "Excuse my Larlo, that's a no thank you!".

[Anonymous]

I say no thank you so often and in such inappropriate contexts (like when my 18 month old is hitting me lol) that I worried this thread could have been from someone observing me until I realized it’s 9 years old.

No thank you wasn’t intentional. We just started saying it. We do say no when she does something dangerous. I think I trend towards no thank you when she’s doing something I don’t want her to do that isn’t unsafe, isn’t hurting someone, and (obviously, since she’s a toddler) isn’t malicious. Like she isn’t trying to hit me or knock my glasses off, she just is happy and excited and throwing her hands around, she’s allowed to be like that. If she keeps doing it though I start to just say no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've heard it a lot too and think it sounds stupid. I like teaching them to be polite but this doesn't seem like a good way to model polite language since you are using the language in a way people don't usually talk, which makes it weird for the kid. Instead of saying "no thank you" when a kid does something they shouldn't, why not instead say "no running, please" or "please do not throw toys" or whatever. Makes more sense to me as a way to teach politeness while still letting the kid know not to do something.

+1 This is exactly how you should phrase it, IMO!

That doesn't put a happy, positive spin on it. "No thank you" works for the people who want to gently correct.

I think it sounds ridiculous myself. For the PP from the South, no we don't say "No thank you" when someone is doing something they shouldn't. We say "No thank you" when something is offered that we don't want, or aren't interested in.

Right. I think it's ridiculous to say "no thank you" when the kid hasn't been given a choice, or hasn't asked a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've heard it a lot too and think it sounds stupid. I like teaching them to be polite but this doesn't seem like a good way to model polite language since you are using the language in a way people don't usually talk, which makes it weird for the kid. Instead of saying "no thank you" when a kid does something they shouldn't, why not instead say "no running, please" or "please do not throw toys" or whatever. Makes more sense to me as a way to teach politeness while still letting the kid know not to do something.

+1 This is exactly how you should phrase it, IMO!

Actually better to say what you want them to do. Instead of no running, you can say “Please walk.” If you are so inclined you can even say “Please walk, thank you” (sort of a “thanks in advance” you might say to a colleague for politeness after asking/telling them to do something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's dumb too. My DD knows to say "no thank you" if something is offered to her that she wants to reject. But if I ask if she's going somewhere I don't expect her to say "no thank you". That would be stupid.

Agree. Some people are so stupid they should not be allowed to contaminate the gene pool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've heard it a lot too and think it sounds stupid. I like teaching them to be polite but this doesn't seem like a good way to model polite language since you are using the language in a way people don't usually talk, which makes it weird for the kid. Instead of saying "no thank you" when a kid does something they shouldn't, why not instead say "no running, please" or "please do not throw toys" or whatever. Makes more sense to me as a way to teach politeness while still letting the kid know not to do something.

+1 This is exactly how you should phrase it, IMO!

Even better than "no running, please" would be "walk, please." It's easier for kids to hear what they should do than to figure out the negative and come up with the alternative action you want from them.

[Anonymous]

No thank you just seems very unclear. With small children you need to be very clear about what you mean because they are still working on language development. “Do not hit me” is much clearer than “no thank you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've noticed a lot of moms I know say "no thank you" when their toddler does something they shouldn't i.e. Throwing toys, hitting, just misbehaving in general. I'm not judging or trying to be snarky but genuinely curious what this is about. Is there a reason to add the "thank you" instead of just saying "no?"

I've never heard this. I do say things like "Please don't hit me." I also dgaf if other parents say "no thank you". Why do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No thank you just seems very unclear. With small children you need to be very clear about what you mean because they are still working on language development. “Do not hit me” is much clearer than “no thank you.”

I agree with this. I read a child psych book that said affirmative commands are much easier to understand cognitively. Negative commands require two steps, cognitively.

I also hate the “no thank you” thing because it really confuses kids about what that term means. Those are the kids saying “no thank you” right back when they are told to do something. (Like — it’s time to go to bed. No thank you!). No thank you is short for no, I don’t want that but thank you for offering me the choice to have it. It makes no sense to use it when no choice is offered and a directive is given. I find kids raised with that are often ruder — they use polite language but don’t understand the difference between an instruction and an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am from the Midwest, and we really talk like this all of the time. Do people really not say "no thank you" on the east coast?

I am from the Midwest. I also have a firm grasp of the English language, which is how I know that “no, thank you” is a polite response to someone offering you a coffee. A polite response is not what is needed when Billy is hitting Sally. “Billy, no; no hitting.”