Would you leave your spouse if he/she was in an accident that left him/her in a wheelchair?

[Anonymous]

I'll probably be in a wheelchair before I'm 40, but my DH knew that going in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't. Then again, DH has an illness that makes his chances of ending up in a wheelchair sooner or later very high and I knew this going in. The calculus is different for me, I guess.

Shouldn't everyone go into marriage assuming their spouse will need caregiving at some point? That's what the whole "in sickness and in health" and "til death do us part" stuff means. No, I wouldn't leave my spouse is he was in a wheelchair or gets Alzheimers or whatever. And I know he feels the same way. That's part of the deal. If you are not really willing to make that commitment, don't get married.

[Anonymous]

In a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In a heartbeat.

Does your spouse know that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn't. Then again, DH has an illness that makes his chances of ending up in a wheelchair sooner or later very high and I knew this going in. The calculus is different for me, I guess.

Shouldn't everyone go into marriage assuming their spouse will need caregiving at some point? That's what the whole "in sickness and in health" and "til death do us part" stuff means. No, I wouldn't leave my spouse is he was in a wheelchair or gets Alzheimers or whatever. And I know he feels the same way. That's part of the deal. If you are not really willing to make that commitment, don't get married.

I'm the PP you quoted and sure, that would be ideal. However, I don't think people really understand how trying it can be to have a chronically sick or disabled spouse.

You may think you're a ride or die kind of dame but when push comes to shove, year after year, in perpetuity, are you still going to be able to always prioritize them and their health? Even over your own? Because that's what it takes in a lot of these situations. My husband's illness means that, even when I'm at my sickest, I will still need to shoulder most of our responsibilities. It means he will always be in danger of unemployment because the day to day reality of an employee needing accommodations and time off for appointments pisses most employers off, ADA and other protections be damned. It means I will always be the primary bread winner. It means we have to consider what he can and cannot handle with every decision, even whether he is up for a trip to the store. It means knowing that we likely won't get to grow old together, that at some point I will be facing a lifetime without him.

I don't begrudge people who realize it isn't for them. Better to know that about yourself up front than realize it after the fact and abandon an unsuspecting spouse when the going gets tough.

[Anonymous]

No way.

Of course there may have been other reasons she left.

[Anonymous]

It would suck, and it would seriously ruin the quality of my life. Just like it would if it happened to ME. And that is exactly how I would consider it - something that happened to our married unit, and something that was just part of my hand of cards to live with.

Of course I wouldn't feel this way about something that self-inflicted on us, such as becoming a deadbeat or cheating or other such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No. I don't think my husband would become aggressive or irrational with his impaired mobility.

Having lived with a chronically ill family member, I know it can play games with your mind, and that some people are not equipped to handle that. My mother had a physical disease that depressed her - she became more and more anxious and isolated, and guilted and manipulated me for years into staying home after school and never going out. Even during the summer. She would accuse my father of staying late at work to avoid her, of having a second family, she would swear at us and rant and whine.
I escaped as soon as I could.

I didn't think anyone can predict how a person will react to dramatically changed life circumstances of that nature. My husband has MS and it has become far worse in recent years. His mobility is very impaired and he becomes fatigued very easily, so goes to bed by 8PM. He is very cranky and moody, and his cognitive capabilities are markedly worse than they were five years ago. All of this has had a very negative impact on our relationship. Our sex life is nil. I feel old before my time.

Would I leave him because he has MS? Of course not. Will our marriage survive these problems? I don't know.

Divorce rates among couples dealing with chronic illness are sky-high. Not surprising to me at all.

http://thefibrofrog.blogspot.com/2012/03/staggering-divorce-rate-for-those-with.html

http://www.thedailyheadache.com/2014/07/chronic-illness-and-marriage.html

[Anonymous]

Does her mouth still work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No. I don't think my husband would become aggressive or irrational with his impaired mobility.

Having lived with a chronically ill family member, I know it can play games with your mind, and that some people are not equipped to handle that. My mother had a physical disease that depressed her - she became more and more anxious and isolated, and guilted and manipulated me for years into staying home after school and never going out. Even during the summer. She would accuse my father of staying late at work to avoid her, of having a second family, she would swear at us and rant and whine.
I escaped as soon as I could.

I didn't think anyone can predict how a person will react to dramatically changed life circumstances of that nature. My husband has MS and it has become far worse in recent years. His mobility is very impaired and he becomes fatigued very easily, so goes to bed by 8PM. He is very cranky and moody, and his cognitive capabilities are markedly worse than they were five years ago. All of this has had a very negative impact on our relationship. Our sex life is nil. I feel old before my time.

Would I leave him because he has MS? Of course not. Will our marriage survive these problems? I don't know.

Divorce rates among couples dealing with chronic illness are sky-high. Not surprising to me at all.

http://thefibrofrog.blogspot.com/2012/03/staggering-divorce-rate-for-those-with.html

http://www.thedailyheadache.com/2014/07/chronic-illness-and-marriage.html

Has your husband considered the clinical trial in Chicago that involves stem cells???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you see the "Theory of Everything?" It appears, in then end, that Jane was not prepared to be a lifelong caregiver no matter how idealistic and determined she was from the beginning.

I think that she thought he would die sooner.

[Anonymous]

Holy shit, no.
I will love my DH regardless.. That's kind of the point of marriage. We'd work through it together.

[Anonymous]

He stuck through cancer, a relapse, and collectively 28 months of chemo, radiation, and surgeries. It wouldn't even be a question for me.

[Anonymous]

Neighbor divorced her husband a couple of years after he had a serious stroke and couldn't shake the depression (never worked again, etc.) They had young kids. She remarried a short two years later. Ex was devastated (he desperately did not want divorce) and died from a relapse. It seems really cold and his friends and family hated her. I hope that I would not do that BUT it is hard to judge unless you stand in someone's shoes. She still has to raise kids that lost their father and I am sure she never realized the hand she would be dealt when she got married.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't just up & leave over that overnight, but being a full-time caregiver may cause unique + complicated feelings over time.

Or maybe not.

This is one of those situations that until you experience it, you just cannot form any sort of opinion since there are so many unique variables involved.