No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, to some degree, we all marry a person who came along at a certain time - we want to settle down, so do they, etc.

The signs are always there. It is whether or not you wanted to see them. That being said, this sounds like the kind of guy who needs the riot act. Set a date that if things do not get better, you are out. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Good advice. I have always been the kind of person who tries to see the best in others. And I agree there were red flags that I made excuses for or tried to ignore. I saw the best in him. But you can't pretend to be someone you're not for very long. I should have known there would be problems with decision making. It just was amplified times 1000x once we were married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. PP I appreciate your insight as BTDT. I don't want to divorce in large part because of breaking up our family not to mention the difficulty that would be involve with co-parenting with someone who can't or won't make decisions. I am tired of always having to be the fall guy. I make the call and get crap for it. He won't make the call. Despite my trying to engage him. But then criticized the calls I make. It's exhausting. Right now the big debate is Xmas break and childcare. I am putting before him a list of aftercare options since we both work. Begging for input since they fill up quickly through the county. No response. Emailed. No response. Texted. No response. Have asked in person a handful of times and No commitment or no response, eyes glaze over. So it will be the same old. I make the call and register the kids and then get hell for it for picking the wrong choice. Same thing happened for summer camps. Same thing happens for every vacation we have taken since our honeymoon (the last thing he planned, BTW).

If I leave these things to him, there would be no camps, no aftercare, no vacations.

How could I share custody with someone like this? Not to mention, he isn't a bad guy. He's actually a good guy most of the time. Like I said, he's a pretty good dad. Just very helpless and then critical. I am working ass off and he has no motivation at all anymore. It's like he's given up any professional or financial success in his mid-40s. Where is the drive and winning go-get em attitude he used to have when we were dating and first married?

Like I said, I don't need Daddy Warbucks. But if you can't pickup the financial and career slack, at least help more at home instead of playing videogames until 2am, complaining you're tired the next morning, and forgetting to pay a bill again.

I'm the PP whose similar DH got therapy and meds. One small piece of advice for your sanity is that I wouldn't discuss all of these things with him. I wouldn't mention The Xmas break aftercare at all, but just sign them up at a place that is convenient for you. If he finds something different or better then great. Who cares if you lose money. Most likely he won't do anything. When the day comes just take them to the aftercare place and let him know where they are. Don't discuss anything. Same things with camps. You have to learn to do what needs to be done and ignore the complaints, criticisms.

If you are looking for validation for your DH on all that you do for him and the kids, you will never get it.

[Anonymous]

So you chose to have three kids with a man you don't respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college boyfriend was like this,which is why I dumped him.

I instead married an ambitious, hardworking man who can be a bit of an ass. He also cheated on me. However, he is confident and driven.

No relationship is perfect. No man is perfect. I think you need to accept and love your husband for who he is. There have to be great things about your relationship.

Good point. Most high earning alpha males who are attractive cheat n their wives and there are no shortage of women available for it. Price of admission I suppose

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women need to marry up. Not marry lower or even equal. Men then become the pussy in relationships.

That may be the dumbest thing I have read on this board ever. There are a ton of factors that go into relationships, education isn't everything. Neither is money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Basically I am married to someone less educated, who makes less money, doesn't do much around the house, won't make any decisions personally and professionally, but then criticizes me when I do. This is a direct contrast to how he was when we were dating.

Maybe there is some truth to the PPs who say women ultimately need to marry up despite their belief they don't. I did love this man. I admired him and his achievements when we were dating. But since we got married I feel like I have become his mother, financially, decision making, etx. But then he complains and yells at me.

I hate this and miss our old relationship. Instead he is floundering at the point in his life/career when he should be peaking (mid-to-late 40s).

And had three kids with him.

So what's the part you're leaving out, OP?

Why would you have married him, in the first place?

There's one and only one possible reason: You're not very physically attractive, and a low-achieving unmotivated man was the best you could do. If you were physically more attractive, you would never have had to "settle" for such an unambitious man.

Think carefully before you kick him to the curb. You may NOT be able to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry op, but your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mine was probably worse, because their was major temper issue thrown in and he would not participate in my and the kids life. ADHD and other things may be the reason, but it's still not a solution for the problems, and you too deserve to be happy. We tried therapy but like yours, it didn't progress. We had the 4 horsemen between us, and that's a strong predictor of divorce, even though we didn't want to admit it, and we did months a counseling.

I ended up pulling the plug on the marriage, and while it's not been easy, life is so much better for me and the kids. He moved away and has a good phone relationship w the kids which is better than the relationship they had before.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but like I said before, you too deserve to be happy, and if living like this isn't good for the kids, that's a major consideration.

And for those who say "didn't you know this before" ? That's irrelevant because she can't go back and change things!

+1. OPs husband sounds like my ex. And no, my ex was not like this when we married.
Accepting people for who they are is important, but that doesn't mean you have to accept the behavior of a partner who has checked out and abdicated all responsibility to the family that he helped create. I decided I had two choices, accept the situation as it was, or get out. And we tried counseling, and I tried everything I could to save our marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, you know that if you left arrangements to your DH, there would be no arrangements for camp, vacation, etc.

This is true of many couples. Even the high earning couples. It's true in my home. It's true of probably 80% of marriages. The wife makes the plans. Has nothing to do with high income and marrying Daddy Warbucks. The husband does not plan: camp, vacation, halloween costumes, meals, moves...I could go on. You do it.

[Anonymous]

We have three small children

Abuse? Adultery? Addiction?
NO, none of those??
Then you owe your children an intact family if at all possible.
I couldn't give a crap about your feelings ~ oh, but I might not be "in love" ...

[Anonymous]

If the genders were reverse, I think most of the people here would be explaining to the OP that the spouse must be depressed, or has resentments, and that it the OP's responsibility to figure it out. Or, encourage therapy, and be supportive, etc.

But since the problem spouse is male, we just assume that he is solely responsible for his actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Questions for you from another mom who is the primary breadwinner. Why can't you call a plumber? Why can't you schedule a realtor to come put your condo on the market? Why can't you schedule a vacation? Is it just your frustrated vision of how things are supposed to be, and his vision of mom's real estate killing? Because I just don't understand why you wouldn't make an appointment with a realtor. Today. 3 kids in one room?

Why should she? She already does enough. No woman can respect a man like this. He's a child.

[Anonymous]

I think you are enabling this behavior from him. You ask him and then you make the decision when he doesn't act or respond. When he complains tell him that he can lead, follow or get out of the way, but that you aren't going to be secondguessed on decisions you made after asking for his input and/or asking him to take charge and nothing happened. Cut that conversation short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Questions for you from another mom who is the primary breadwinner. Why can't you call a plumber? Why can't you schedule a realtor to come put your condo on the market? Why can't you schedule a vacation? Is it just your frustrated vision of how things are supposed to be, and his vision of mom's real estate killing? Because I just don't understand why you wouldn't make an appointment with a realtor. Today. 3 kids in one room?

OP says she does those things, but then her DH complains about it, like calling the plumber. Even if OP calls the realtor, you know her DH is going to explode. Sure, we can all say, "so what"? But, OP has to live with it, and she's on here looking for advice on how to deal with that and/or vent. I'd be pissed, too.

Even if her DH didn't want to get a better paying job, he can at least see that it would be nice for the family to have more room by getting a bigger place. OP is not asking her DH to get a better paying job to pay for a bigger place. OP seems willing to pay for it. But, I assume the condo is in both their names, so her DH has to be on board with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Basically I am married to someone less educated, who makes less money, doesn't do much around the house, won't make any decisions personally and professionally, but then criticizes me when I do. This is a direct contrast to how he was when we were dating.

Maybe there is some truth to the PPs who say women ultimately need to marry up despite their belief they don't. I did love this man. I admired him and his achievements when we were dating. But since we got married I feel like I have become his mother, financially, decision making, etx. But then he complains and yells at me.

I hate this and miss our old relationship. Instead he is floundering at the point in his life/career when he should be peaking (mid-to-late 40s).

And had three kids with him.

So what's the part you're leaving out, OP?

Why would you have married him, in the first place?

There's one and only one possible reason: You're not very physically attractive, and a low-achieving unmotivated man was the best you could do. If you were physically more attractive, you would never have had to "settle" for such an unambitious man.

Think carefully before you kick him to the curb. You may NOT be able to do better.

Omg this is the OP and I am laughing so hard. Thank you for making me giggle tonight!

You couldn't be more wrong, BTW. I still got it. Total MILF here., even after the three kids. Lol. Still work out and take care of myself. Married a guy who put on a good show until push came to shove. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes years to realize that always giving someone the benefit of the doubt gets old.... And that a person cannot change despite themselves. Although I do not have anyone in the wings as a PP suggested, I have had a few offers. Some pretty serious. And some from men who are much more the alpha types. I would never ever act on it. I am committed to DH and our family. But it does make me wonder why DH doesn't try harder to be a partner with me.

I just wish he would get with the program. I could easily leave him and hookup right away. But that's not me and I would never cheat. Maybe it does make me question things though. It's hard to get positive attention from other men when your own husband who is supposed to love and cherish you is a slouch who whines and complains all the time, doesn't act as an equal or partner. And does nothing to improve your situation or your family.

My own mother knows my dilemma and said I was "ripe for an affair." Sad. Not true, but sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you chose to have three kids with a man you don't respect?

Like I have said multiple times. He put on a good show until recently. Made a lot of false promises and statements to me. I feel duped in a lot of ways. Promises to move for 3-4 years (our youngest is now 3 and sharing a bedroom with two older siblings). Yes this area is expensive. But the current arrangement (family of 5 in a two bedroom condo) is laughable.