No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to divorce but I have been falling out of love with DH progressively for a couple of years. We have three small children and he is a good father for the most part, but that's about it. I feel very disappointed in him and don't have much respect for him, and I am convinced I married the wrong person because he came along at the right time, rather than being the right man.

He is a beta and a procrastinator and is afraid of any and all change. I work a stressful job, earn more money, and basically make all decisions and run the household. He just doesn't do much snd when I leave any decision-making to him or ask him to take care of things, he just doesn't. It took 6 months to fix a leaky bathroom faucet - he took it off and left an exposed pipe there for six months, until I finally called a plumber. Then he complained about the plumbing job. He doesn't earn much money and is very underpaid but is too lazy or scared (?) to find a better job. We have outgrown our tiny condo and have three kids tripled up in a bedroom and he is too lazy/scared/nervous to move to a new place. I cannot do these things alone.

To make things worse, when I make decisions that he won't make, he then yells and complains and criticizes me. At least I make the tough calls. If it were up to him, nothing would get accomplished.

I feel like I married an underachieving, unmotivated, slacker who doesn't want the best for his family but prefers status quo. I am ready to move. I am ready to provide a better life for my kids. He seems content with his kids having less than him! Growing up he had his own bedroom, he went to expensive private schools, etc.

And don't get me started on our sex life. Always the same boring routine. I have no desire or respect for him.

How do you get over being so frustrated with a spouse that you no longer respect them? I can't force him to get a better education. I can't force him to get s better job. I am tired of being his mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like I married an underachieving, unmotivated, slacker

Was he like this before you got married?

[Anonymous]

Op here. No he wasn't always like this, or was good at hiding it until we got married. I knew he wasn't highly educated because he has a learning disability. But when we met and were dating, he was dynamic, career-minded, confident, and gave me the impression that he was successful and financially secure. Put on a good show for years.... I feel completely duped. I fell in love with that person and don't even know this other sheepish insecure person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. No he wasn't always like this, or was good at hiding it until we got married. I knew he wasn't highly educated because he has a learning disability. But when we met and were dating, he was dynamic, career-minded, confident, and gave me the impression that he was successful and financially secure. Put on a good show for years.... I feel completely duped. I fell in love with that person and don't even know this other sheepish insecure person.

Could it be that you are contributing to his sheepishness by acting like his mother and being disrespectful because you feel / perceive like you're the one in "power"?

Relationship dynamics are rarely one sided. Just most people wish they were.

You sound like you could both use some communication / marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to him, or counseling?

[Anonymous]

We have tried counseling for over a year and finally gave up due to scheduling conflicts and lack of progress. I cannot change him and he refuses to change himself. It's very sad.

Yes it's possible that I am contributing to this. But with three children and two jobs someone needs to roll up their sleeves and be the decision maker. Like I said, the pipe sat for 6 months unreplaced when he was left in charge. That's just one example. i ask him to re-register DS for soccer and he doesn't. Then DS misses the deadline and team is full. This happens all the time.

And the job thing is ridiculous. He started out with a group of peers in the same career and all of them have gone on to earn advanced degrees, better jobs, better salaries. Not DH. He flounders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. No he wasn't always like this, or was good at hiding it until we got married. I knew he wasn't highly educated because he has a learning disability. But when we met and were dating, he was dynamic, career-minded, confident, and gave me the impression that he was successful and financially secure. Put on a good show for years.... I feel completely duped. I fell in love with that person and don't even know this other sheepish insecure person.

Well since all you were looking for was money (you basically listed it 3 times) you never looked at him as a person which is how he fooled you. After your divorce, use this as a lesson to not just focus on one aspect but take a more comprehensive view.

[Anonymous]

Does he have ADHD? Does he speak of goals but just not pursue them, or does he say he's content where he is?

[Anonymous]

Accept people where they are. If he is a good father maximize on that. Leave structure and planning to your end. After 8 years, you are not going to make him Mr Efficiency, especially since he has learning disabilities. Be a partner to him as he is. His strengths are his strengths. If you wanted some kind of Captain of Industry you would not have a good father.

[Anonymous]

So basically you want him to be someone he's not. Time to go.

[Anonymous]

Questions for you from another mom who is the primary breadwinner. Why can't you call a plumber? Why can't you schedule a realtor to come put your condo on the market? Why can't you schedule a vacation? Is it just your frustrated vision of how things are supposed to be, and his vision of mom's real estate killing? Because I just don't understand why you wouldn't make an appointment with a realtor. Today. 3 kids in one room?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op, but your situation sounds a lot like mine. Mine was probably worse, because their was major temper issue thrown in and he would not participate in my and the kids life. ADHD and other things may be the reason, but it's still not a solution for the problems, and you too deserve to be happy. We tried therapy but like yours, it didn't progress. We had the 4 horsemen between us, and that's a strong predictor of divorce, even though we didn't want to admit it, and we did months a counseling.

I ended up pulling the plug on the marriage, and while it's not been easy, life is so much better for me and the kids. He moved away and has a good phone relationship w the kids which is better than the relationship they had before.

I'm not suggesting divorce, but like I said before, you too deserve to be happy, and if living like this isn't good for the kids, that's a major consideration.

And for those who say "didn't you know this before" ? That's irrelevant because she can't go back and change things!

[Anonymous]

And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.

[Anonymous]

What is his LD?