No Respect for DH, and falling out of love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.

Did you really just type that with a straight face?

Huge problems for society: racism, climate change, antibiotic resistance.

[Anonymous]

Women need to marry up. Not marry lower or even equal. Men then become the pussy in relationships

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have someone waiting in the wings? This sounds like the justification for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.

It wasn't really meant to be snippy. But, you're mostly right.

Women are wired for hypergamy. Despite what feminists claim, women really want to marry-up, socioeconomically.

I know, you really just want an "equal partner," but that often falls apart once domestic chores and childcare come into play.

[Anonymous]

OP here. No one waiting in the wings. And, while I did not marry him for money (trust me, I knew I would be the one with bigger earning potential since I have two advanced degrees and he has just a BA), he gave me the impression that he was a go-getter who, despite having faced challenges with his LD, was motivated and interested in succeeding professionally and wanting better.

To the PP who has asked why I don't call a plumber, find a realtor, etc., I do ultimately. I try to delegate and he doesn't do anything. But the big problem is that when I DO call the shots (which is 95% of the time), he complains and whines and gripes about it. It's a catch-22. He won't fix the plumbing project he started 6 months ago. I call them plumber and pay the $500. Then he complains about the cost and the job. I ask him what vacation we can take this year (we take one trip per year) he won't give answers or won't commit for months. I have to book something otherwise rates will go up and make it unaffordable. So I do. After months of asking. And then he complains about the trip, destination, cost. When I pay! I try to make appointments with realtors but cannot unilaterally put our condo on the market.

If he were beta and laid back about it, then I could embrace the alpha status. Instead he is beta but then complains when I make the decisions! There is nothing worse than paying for trips or making plans, after getting no input or commitment, only to then get yelled at and complained to!

From camps for the kids to halloween costume choices to paying bills. He won't do it (or doesn't) but then criticizes me. I try to get him involved. I ask. I nag. Nothing. Then there comes a point when somethjng needs to be done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women need to marry up. Not marry lower or even equal. Men then become the pussy in relationships

I'm sorry your relationship isn't great OP. But please don't let posters like the on above convince you it is because you haven't chosen a type-A male who earns twice as much as you. In our family, I am the career focussed ambitious one and I out earn DH. But he is the best life partner I could ever wish for. He is thoughtful, kind, makes sure the whole house runs. He is patient with the kids, he thinks about their school trips, their halloween costumes, he makes sure they have fun lunches. My point is, your relationship is bad because your husband isn't any of these things - that isn't necessarily connected to being the lower earner...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No one waiting in the wings. And, while I did not marry him for money (trust me, I knew I would be the one with bigger earning potential since I have two advanced degrees and he has just a BA), he gave me the impression that he was a go-getter who, despite having faced challenges with his LD, was motivated and interested in succeeding professionally and wanting better.

To the PP who has asked why I don't call a plumber, find a realtor, etc., I do ultimately. I try to delegate and he doesn't do anything. But the big problem is that when I DO call the shots (which is 95% of the time), he complains and whines and gripes about it. It's a catch-22. He won't fix the plumbing project he started 6 months ago. I call them plumber and pay the $500. Then he complains about the cost and the job. I ask him what vacation we can take this year (we take one trip per year) he won't give answers or won't commit for months. I have to book something otherwise rates will go up and make it unaffordable. So I do. After months of asking. And then he complains about the trip, destination, cost. When I pay! I try to make appointments with realtors but cannot unilaterally put our condo on the market.

If he were beta and laid back about it, then I could embrace the alpha status. Instead he is beta but then complains when I make the decisions! There is nothing worse than paying for trips or making plans, after getting no input or commitment, only to then get yelled at and complained to!

From camps for the kids to halloween costume choices to paying bills. He won't do it (or doesn't) but then criticizes me. I try to get him involved. I ask. I nag. Nothing. Then there comes a point when somethjng needs to be done!

It honestly sounds like you married another women.

I keed, I keed...

[Anonymous]

OP again. Basically I am married to someone less educated, who makes less money, doesn't do much around the house, won't make any decisions personally and professionally, but then criticizes me when I do. This is a direct contrast to how he was when we were dating.

Maybe there is some truth to the PPs who say women ultimately need to marry up despite their belief they don't. I did love this man. I admired him and his achievements when we were dating. But since we got married I feel like I have become his mother, financially, decision making, etx. But then he complains and yells at me.

I hate this and miss our old relationship. Instead he is floundering at the point in his life/career when he should be peaking (mid-to-late 40s).

[Anonymous]

More education does not mean more earning power. It means more education.

But regardless, you really sort of sound like a gold-digger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I feel like I married an underachieving, unmotivated, slacker

Was he like this before you got married?

Of course he was. OP just chose to overlook that detail because she liked being in control. Now she has brought three innocent children into the picture, who need a daddy in their life, and she is whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So basically you want him to be someone he's not. Time to go.

She can't "go." She has three children who need their dad, more than she needs fulfillment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And women wonder why men are "intimidated" by ambitious women.

I know this is meant to by snippy, but there is a lot of truth to this. I work in biglaw and I have yet to see a successful relationship between a high earning, financially successful woman and a lower earning lower ambition man. (I know of a few couples who have this dynamic outside the firm, no idea of their marriage). Yet, there are many marriages in the firm where high status men marry lower career oriented women and it turns out fine.

I think the added dymamic that fails these relationships is that these successful professional women are working with the high earning alphas (who generally are in shape as well) and realize how much greener the grass is.

It's a huge problem for society because there is a lack of "eligible" men to marry professionally successful women, as women start and continue to catch up to and outpace men.

Did you really just type that with a straight face?

Huge problems for society: racism, climate change, antibiotic resistance.

It's a problem because society depends on families to raise well-adjusted children, and children do better in two parent homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More education does not mean more earning power. It means more education.

But regardless, you really sort of sound like a gold-digger.

Oh, please. OP has a legit complaint. Just as a man would have a legit complaint if his low earning spouse was not shouldering the lion's share of work around the house.

The difference is that men are generally far more comfortable being the primary or sole breadwinners - some take pride in 'taking care' of their wives, they have a sense of pride for paying for dinners, vacations, etc. And some men have a rescue complex, they like to feel like they are rescuing women who need help. Many men like to feel like they are taking care of their women financially, planning everything, etc. And at the risk of being crude, so long as the woman is being supportive and keeping her husband fed and lots of sex, the dynamic can work really well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More education does not mean more earning power. It means more education.

But regardless, you really sort of sound like a gold-digger.

She doesn't sound like a gold digger. She said she'd be happy with her being alpha and him being beta (not earning as much) if he would just not whine/complain when she makes the decisions that he won't, and if he would just pitch in more at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More education does not mean more earning power. It means more education.

But regardless, you really sort of sound like a gold-digger.

Oh, please. OP has a legit complaint. Just as a man would have a legit complaint if his low earning spouse was not shouldering the lion's share of work around the house.

The difference is that men are generally far more comfortable being the primary or sole breadwinners - some take pride in 'taking care' of their wives, they have a sense of pride for paying for dinners, vacations, etc. And some men have a rescue complex, they like to feel like they are rescuing women who need help. Many men like to feel like they are taking care of their women financially, planning everything, etc. And at the risk of being crude, so long as the woman is being supportive and keeping her husband fed and lots of sex, the dynamic can work really well.

Men are definitely much better at being OK with women who earn less than they do, and have less "status."

An attractive woman with a pleasant personality, but no career or status, is still considered a "catch" to most men. It does not seem to work the same way for women.