Boundaries!

[Anonymous]

She is family. Life is too short to worry about some mythical boundary when the door wasn't even shit. Enjoy that she wanted to spend time with you and her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is family. Life is too short to worry about some mythical boundary when the door wasn't even shit. Enjoy that she wanted to spend time with you and her grandchild.

If you read the whole thread, it's clear why OP isn't comfortable with MIL. Plus, she said she doesn't like anyone but DH and DD on her bed, so it's just her personal preference, which we are all entitled to!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People who don't respect boundaries are just sometimes clueless and not sensitive to social cues. Those people don't mean you any harm, in the sense that they're not trying to control you or invalidate you or have their way at your expense. They just have different boundaries, or can't read that yours are different. It's up to you to communicate what's comfortable for you.

On the other hand, there are those who try to manipulate, push, and control others this way. That's a more tricky situation. Listen to your gut.

OP here. I truly appreciated the larger post these snippets came from!

My MIL probably falls somewhere between the "clueless and not sensitive to social cues" and "manipulative/controlling/pushy" personality types you've described above. (Trust me, there are a LOT more examples of "Boundaries!" than just the ones I've already posted.)

The hard part, for me, is not becoming so defensive that I automatically perceive all her behavior as manipulative/controlling, but also not becoming so passive/resigned that I accept all of her boundary-ignoring behavior. I want to be able to take one moment, one visit at a time, but that is hard after so many years of feeling ignored/disrespected/manipulated.

Another thing I have to guard against is letting my husband/SIL/SIL's wife's anecdotes and reactions color my own. When my SIL and her wife tell me about some of the issues/struggles they have over the years, it's hard not to feel indignant/angry/sad/defensive on their behalf. But I do think I let it affect my relationship with MIL. I would like to be able to focus on my own experiences with her without "piling on" my empathy for what other family members experience.

Anyway, it could be worse, and I also believe it can be better. But sometimes, I just need to vent a little, and I don't see what the big deal is about me not liking her on my bed, especially after her not knocking!

Whoa OP. It's uncanny, i am going through major boundary issues with my mil right now, and it's so similar to what you describe-- Down to not wanting your sil to color your experiences with her. I also think my mil is somewhere between clueless and manipulative. I'm so aggravated with her right now that I feel completely defensive and as though I'll never be able to enjoy her company. And she is a sweet person, just incapable of understanding that her son and his new family need to draw lines (and that those lines are okay! And not a personal insult!). Sighhhhh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

People who don't respect boundaries are just sometimes clueless and not sensitive to social cues. Those people don't mean you any harm, in the sense that they're not trying to control you or invalidate you or have their way at your expense. They just have different boundaries, or can't read that yours are different. It's up to you to communicate what's comfortable for you.

On the other hand, there are those who try to manipulate, push, and control others this way. That's a more tricky situation. Listen to your gut.

OP here. I truly appreciated the larger post these snippets came from!

My MIL probably falls somewhere between the "clueless and not sensitive to social cues" and "manipulative/controlling/pushy" personality types you've described above. (Trust me, there are a LOT more examples of "Boundaries!" than just the ones I've already posted.)

The hard part, for me, is not becoming so defensive that I automatically perceive all her behavior as manipulative/controlling, but also not becoming so passive/resigned that I accept all of her boundary-ignoring behavior. I want to be able to take one moment, one visit at a time, but that is hard after so many years of feeling ignored/disrespected/manipulated.

Another thing I have to guard against is letting my husband/SIL/SIL's wife's anecdotes and reactions color my own. When my SIL and her wife tell me about some of the issues/struggles they have over the years, it's hard not to feel indignant/angry/sad/defensive on their behalf. But I do think I let it affect my relationship with MIL. I would like to be able to focus on my own experiences with her without "piling on" my empathy for what other family members experience.

Anyway, it could be worse, and I also believe it can be better. But sometimes, I just need to vent a little, and I don't see what the big deal is about me not liking her on my bed, especially after her not knocking!

Whoa OP. It's uncanny, i am going through major boundary issues with my mil right now, and it's so similar to what you describe-- Down to not wanting your sil to color your experiences with her. I also think my mil is somewhere between clueless and manipulative. I'm so aggravated with her right now that I feel completely defensive and as though I'll never be able to enjoy her company. And she is a sweet person, just incapable of understanding that her son and his new family need to draw lines (and that those lines are okay! And not a personal insult!). Sighhhhh

I'm sorry you are struggling! (But it is nice to know someone understands.) it helps me a bit to realize it is not personal--she is like this with everyone (extended family, her friends). Let's just do our best to be flexible when we can be, and firm where we need to be. And when you need to vent, just post here, and I'll give you a virtual pep talk!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are struggling! (But it is nice to know someone understands.) it helps me a bit to realize it is not personal--she is like this with everyone (extended family, her friends). Let's just do our best to be flexible when we can be, and firm where we need to be. And when you need to vent, just post here, and I'll give you a virtual pep talk!

Boy do I understand. Right now I am working on being firm for my DH, who is getting the worlds biggest guilt trip and is suffering. So, so frustrating and rage-producing to watch. Thanks for the pep talk and the commiseration!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must be a weirdo because I wouldn't have had a problem with this. Then I reread the OP thinking maybe it said she and DH were rolling around in bed... and realized I still wouldn't have cared if that had happened.

But then, MIL is super loving and sweet-hugs and kisses me every morning and night when we are visiting.

You could've made a nice memory, but you blew it

I hate when posters say others shouldn't feel the way they feel under totally different circumstances. Bed w/MIL does not equal a nice memory for OP...big whoop!

I hate it when posters don't put relevant information in the original post...I shouldn't have to read through pages and pages of responses and additional information to find out that your mother-in-law's a boundary less twit who has a history of annoying you. I can only give feedback as good is the information provided.

Next time lead with better relevant information instead of an open ended question and then feeling the need to provide more info when people are not quite getting the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?![/quot

A week is too long for most people.

Is it for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I must be a weirdo because I wouldn't have had a problem with this. Then I reread the OP thinking maybe it said she and DH were rolling around in bed... and realized I still wouldn't have cared if that had happened.

But then, MIL is super loving and sweet-hugs and kisses me every morning and night when we are visiting.

You could've made a nice memory, but you blew it

I hate when posters say others shouldn't feel the way they feel under totally different circumstances. Bed w/MIL does not equal a nice memory for OP...big whoop!

I hate it when posters don't put relevant information in the original post...I shouldn't have to read through pages and pages of responses and additional information to find out that your mother-in-law's a boundary less twit who has a history of annoying you. I can only give feedback as good is the information provided.

Next time lead with better relevant information instead of an open ended question and then feeling the need to provide more info when people are not quite getting the situation.

I can see how this would be annoying. Sorry I didn't post more the first time. But honestly, I just wanted the 45-second release of posting about that incident in real-time; I didn't know it would turn into a five-page thread. --OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?![/quot

A week is too long for most people.

Is it for you?

Yes, a week is far too long for me, but that's the compromise as she wanted to stay for two. She's jealous that my parents stay for long visits; they live 10 hours away, ILs live 4 hours away. We see my parents longer a few tomes a year and ILs for more frequent, shorter visits. It ends up to be roughly the same amount of time.

I wish I could have a drink, reading back over this. But I'm 24 weeks pregnant.