Boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

+1. Except for your post and a few others, the overreaction on this thread is both hilarious and sad at the same time.

wtf is this "marital bed" BS? it's the place where you sleep. was the bed not made? throw a comforter over it and pull the stick out of your ass.

Did you not read the thread, yes, it was made. IMHO, the MIL had no business barging in. A made bed is not the point.

PP here. While I agree she shouldn't have barged in, my point was that all this freaking out about a relative being on your made bed because it's where you have sex with your husband is truly bizarre. She let her daughter play on the bed, so I'm assuming she wasn't rolling around in actual stains.

Family with access to private spaces = those who live in the home. Even relatives are guests when visiting. My mom would never enter my bedroom without express permission. I don't think my in-laws would, either. Let alone get on the bed! I think it is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL. Expects to be given our bed, even though we have a double bed in our guest room.

What?!?! Why?

[Anonymous]

Here's one for ya: my MIL asked me to call my SIL and tell her about the importance of a schedule and bedtime routine. She's pissed I said I would never offer unsolicited advice to another parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's one for ya: my MIL asked me to call my SIL and tell her about the importance of a schedule and bedtime routine. She's pissed I said I would never offer unsolicited advice to another parent!

OP here: I happily concede the bigger cause for gripe to you!

[Anonymous]

My MIL was visiting last week.
We have a newborn baby and also and 18 moths old.

I am a private person and even Though I said "time to feed the baby" she would not get out of the room to give me some privacy. Just because she wanted to watch how my DH was changing the diaper on our 18 months old!

Boundaries!! I agree with you OP boundaries

[Anonymous]

Does your MIL do other things that really get on your nerves? Do you like her as a person?

I could see this really upsetting me if I didn't like my MIL. But since I like my MIL quite a lot, I would actually enjoy this and think it was sweet. Although I also can't imagine my MIL not knocking...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the marital bed is not a "sacred space" in the home, where is?

If it was so freaking sacred OP wouldn't be playing on it with her daughter. How does DH deal with that abomination!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your MIL do other things that really get on your nerves? Do you like her as a person?

I could see this really upsetting me if I didn't like my MIL. But since I like my MIL quite a lot, I would actually enjoy this and think it was sweet. Although I also can't imagine my MIL not knocking...

I like her generally and we get along. But this is just one example of "Boundaries!" And if like her more if she respected boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was visiting last week.
We have a newborn baby and also and 18 moths old.

I am a private person and even Though I said "time to feed the baby" she would not get out of the room to give me some privacy. Just because she wanted to watch how my DH was changing the diaper on our 18 months old!

Boundaries!! I agree with you OP boundaries

If you're the one bothered by it, you should tell her you'd like her to leave (which, IMO would be rude of YOU) or you should go to the baby's room or somewhere else to feed the baby. People can't respect your boundaries if you aren't clear about what they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you kidding me? Gross. The granddaughter was probably conceived in that bed.

Presumably the sheets have been changed since then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raised with the understanding that you NEVER sat on someone else's bed. Height of vulgarity as my grandmother put it. (Who, oddly, wasn't a wealthy person by any stretch--poor girl who grew up in the Midwest, became a military wife and raised 7 kids). But that was her rule.

Rigid rules are often more common among the socially insecure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was visiting last week.
We have a newborn baby and also and 18 moths old.

I am a private person and even Though I said "time to feed the baby" she would not get out of the room to give me some privacy. Just because she wanted to watch how my DH was changing the diaper on our 18 months old!

Boundaries!! I agree with you OP boundaries

If you're the one bothered by it, you should tell her you'd like her to leave (which, IMO would be rude of YOU) or you should go to the baby's room or somewhere else to feed the baby. People can't respect your boundaries if you aren't clear about what they are.

yeah, this complaint doesn't hold up, IMO. Throwing out "time to feed the baby" doesn't say a lot about what you want. How about "Diane, do you mind stepping out so I can feed Jean-Pierre?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?!

Yeah, your MIL was out of line. There's no reason for her to go in the master bedroom, and it's really ok to have a few minutes alone with your kid.

Did you say anything? The only thing I can think of would be an instant response as soon as she started to go through the door saying, "We'll be down in a minute!" But that's hindsight. I would be so shocked if my MIL did this, I wouldn't really know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:or you could try making her feel included in common areas instead of hiding out in the bedroom with her granddaughter and then getting all put out when she wants to join in. jerk.

signed, a DIL

OP here. I wasn't "hiding out." After serving a great breakfast, I took a shower while they played, then when the other adults showered and dressed, we made the bed and had playtime.

They've been here for more than a week. I've cooked, we've done activities, we've chatted, we've gotten a sitter and then taken them out to dinner...

How about give us 20 minutes alone, knock, and get off my BED?!

Yeah, your MIL was out of line. There's no reason for her to go in the master bedroom, and it's really ok to have a few minutes alone with your kid.

Did you say anything? The only thing I can think of would be an instant response as soon as she started to go through the door saying, "We'll be down in a minute!" But that's hindsight. I would be so shocked if my MIL did this, I wouldn't really know what to do.

OP here. In re: some previous posts, I wasn't feeding a baby...I don't know how that got inferred. I was playing on a made bed with a toddler, and the door was only open a very small crack. We had been "social" and inclusive the whole visit...we had already all spent a LOT of time together. I had just showered/dressed, and was playing with DD while the other adults showered and dressed.

Anyway, to the point above. I didn't say anything. I simply got up quickly and said, "Let's go play downstairs." It really wasn't that big a deal (the actual "incident"), but I just needed a harmless little outlet for my momentary frustration (this thread).

The bigger issue with her is just boundaries in general. Of any kind. She just doesn't respect them. Examples:
1) She calls and texts numerous times every time we make up the drive to see them to ask where we are/how we're doing/what time we'll arrive. (It's not a long trip, but long enough that it's annoying to get multiple calls.) We've asked her not to do that because it's not exactly safe, and the at-the-time baby needed the car sleep, and it's just annoying, etc. She refuses to stop making those calls. We just ignore them now. We call or text to let them know when we leave, and give a general expected arrival time. If we hit traffic or something, we give an update. It's just enough, already. But the phone is still ringing/buzzing...

2) When I was breastfeeding, she always wanted to be in the room, even though I was not comfortable with that. She'd peek in. She'd ask to come in. I'd always say no. She'd say "but [name-of-friend's daughter] doesn't mind." Well, I do. It's a boundary. I'll see you in 20 minutes. It's not a big deal.

3) When we visit/they visit, she and my FIL really do expect to spend every minute together. Holidays=everyone sits in a circle in one room ALL DAY, and it is considered rude to have even a magazine or look at your phone/iPad. "We should be chatting." As a result, the conversation is really repetitive, and it's just stifling. No one else but her and my FIL want the dynamic to be that way, but my husband and his sister just give into it, so my SIL's wife and I have to give into it, too. If someone leaves to even go to the bathroom, they are accused of "disappearing." So there are no social boundaries, as it were.

I know that, taken individually, all these things are small/petty. But they add up. She doesn't respect boundaries. I feel like she doesn't listen to me or respect me. I feel like she doesn't see me as an individual in my own right, but rather as someone who should conform to her standards/rules/way of thinking. So anyway, we have a generally good relationship, and I do actually like her, but sometimes I just need to vent into the void a little bit.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how old your toddler is, but would you be ok with DH taking her up for a visit without you? What about saying you're going to visit x tourist place or y playground during the visit because DD will need to burn off some energy?

Or have DH ask them down and say very clearly in advance that you have some plans during that time that you need to follow (or you and DD, so you get some time with your kid and DH can handle his parents alone)?

I think you've got to start being a little creative about breaking up the dynamic. I definitely see how your MIL's actions were particularly annoying when you're never given space at all. Find a positive way to take it!