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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

People who don't respect boundaries are just sometimes clueless and not sensitive to social cues. Those people don't mean you any harm, in the sense that they're not trying to control you or invalidate you or have their way at your expense. They just have different boundaries, or can't read that yours are different. It's up to you to communicate what's comfortable for you.

On the other hand, there are those who try to manipulate, push, and control others this way. That's a more tricky situation. Listen to your gut.[/quote]

OP here. I truly appreciated the larger post these snippets came from!

My MIL probably falls somewhere between the "clueless and not sensitive to social cues" and "manipulative/controlling/pushy" personality types you've described above. (Trust me, there are a LOT more examples of "Boundaries!" than just the ones I've already posted.)

The hard part, for me, is not becoming so defensive that I automatically perceive all her behavior as manipulative/controlling, but also not becoming so passive/resigned that I accept all of her boundary-ignoring behavior. I want to be able to take one moment, one visit at a time, but that is hard after so many years of feeling ignored/disrespected/manipulated.

Another thing I have to guard against is letting my husband/SIL/SIL's wife's anecdotes and reactions color my own. When my SIL and her wife tell me about some of the issues/struggles they have over the years, it's hard not to feel indignant/angry/sad/defensive on their behalf. But I do think I let it affect my relationship with MIL. I would like to be able to focus on my own experiences with her without "piling on" my empathy for what other family members experience.

Anyway, it could be worse, and I also believe it can be better. But sometimes, I just need to vent a little, and I don't see what the big deal is about me not liking her on my bed, especially after her not knocking![/quote]

Whoa OP. It's uncanny, i am going through major boundary issues with my mil right now, and it's so similar to what you describe-- Down to not wanting your sil to color your experiences with her. I also think my mil is somewhere between clueless and manipulative. I'm so aggravated with her right now that I feel completely defensive and as though I'll never be able to enjoy her company. And she is a sweet person, just incapable of understanding that her son and his new family need to draw lines (and that those lines are okay! And not a personal insult!). Sighhhhh[/quote]

I'm sorry you are struggling! (But it is nice to know someone understands.) it helps me a bit to realize it is not personal--she is like this with everyone (extended family, her friends). Let's just do our best to be flexible when we can be, and firm where we need to be. And when you need to vent, just post here, and I'll give you a virtual pep talk![/quote]

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