Not picked as the guardian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, you make quite an assumption about why the friend doesn't like me. She doesn't like me because I bailed as DD during my sister's bachelorette party when strippers became involved. Yes, I paid for two cabs so everyone got home safely. Her friend just thinks I'm a loser for not wanting to participate. She and my sister have always been the party types, and I am...not.

So you are assuming the friend won't let you have contact with the children because you don't like strippers? That sounds pretty unlikely.

Intrigued by the cabs though. Why did the guests need cabs to escape the strippers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sort of a spinoff here, but did everyone else tell the people they picked as guardians? I honestly don't remember if we did!

Absolutely! This is not something you want someone to find out about in the middle of the crisis. You need to be sure that they would be willing to be guardians, don't have some reason you don't know about that would prevent them from doing that (health issue, for example), etc. I would never name someone as a guardian without talking to them about it first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

1. That is not what she said. It's how you are interpreting her wishes. Has she tried to declare you unfit to raise your child? Has she tried to keep you from seeing your niece and nephew because you are a terrible person? Of course not. Frankly, you sound super sensitive and very rigid, so maybe she thinks she has more in common, values and personality-wise, with her fun-loving friend. This is not an indictment of you.

2. You are imagining that the friend would never let you see your niece and nephew again if your sister died. You are accusing her of being the kind of person who literally would keep grieving children away from their biological relatives because she doesn't think they are fun. This is a terribly unfair and judgmental thing to say about another person and really makes me wonder about your grasp on reality.

You sound like you have a LOT of emotional baggage that it's time to let go of. If this is bothering you so much, please talk to your sister about her decision and how she came to make it. I agree with the PP who wonders where the adults are in your family with all this she-said, she-said nonsense from you, your sister and even your mother!

(And I would be pissed at my sister, too, if she stalked out of my bachelorette party because there were strippers. Sometimes you just need to put your own needs and judgments aside for a few hours to celebrate with your own goddamned sister. It doesn't matter if you called cabs or not, I'm sure you put a huge damper on the evening. And I don't like strippers, either.)

This. OP is making a much bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. I can't imagine a person so awful that they would prevent a child from seeing their aunt because their aunt isn't a fun-loving party person. That's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP, you make quite an assumption about why the friend doesn't like me. She doesn't like me because I bailed as DD during my sister's bachelorette party when strippers became involved. Yes, I paid for two cabs so everyone got home safely. Her friend just thinks I'm a loser for not wanting to participate. She and my sister have always been the party types, and I am...not.

So you are assuming the friend won't let you have contact with the children because you don't like strippers? That sounds pretty unlikely.

Intrigued by the cabs though. Why did the guests need cabs to escape the strippers?

OP was the designated driver and bailed when the strippers arrived. She arranged cabs so everyone else could get home safely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.

Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.

You sound like a sad sap, an immature girl, and somebody who is NOT dependable. You have to see how your attitude makes you seem like a bad guardian.

You meant this to be helpful to OP?

I'm not this PP but I do think if she's wrongly getting worked up over something as small as this, she is kind of immature adult and not somebody I would entrust raising children

Yeah, given the statements that OP has made throughout this thread--incredibly negative, blows things out of proportion, reads slights into everything, and terrible self-esteem--I wouldn't choose her as a guardian for my kids. She needs to get herself together before she acts like she has some right to raise someone else's kids. Absolutely nowhere has the friend said or done anything that makes me think she would keep children from their own family.

[Anonymous]

We picked my cousin over either of our siblings. Both our siblings have given up our religion and it is important to us that our children are raised in our religion. Plus, my H's sibling already has 3 kids, 5 would be out of the question I think and my single brother wouldn't really want to raise my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I am not sure picking a guardian who will keep her children from their family is a good call.
[/b]
Anyway, it doesn't help with my extremely low self-esteem. It makes me think my child is better off with someone else.[/quote

You don't know this will happen. You're just hurt and talking shit about someone because you are hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

Is she wrong?

If she is wrong, then say "Fuck it" and move on with your life. If she is right, then go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

How did you find out who the guardian is? When making a will, we only talked to the people we wanted as guardians, we didn't go around telling everyone else.

[Anonymous]

repeat as many times as possible: "It's not about me, it's about the kids". Go on, put it on repeat in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe people are missing my two issues.

1. She's said I'm an unfit mother to my own child, by implying I can't raise hers.

2. She's picked someone who will ensure I never see my niece and nephew, simply because she thinks I'm a killjoy.

By the way, I said PPD. That's over and done with, and my child is two years old.

No she didn't. She said she thought there was a better candidate in her life to raise HER children. She said nothing about your ability to parent YOUR child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:repeat as many times as possible: "It's not about me, it's about the kids". Go on, put it on repeat in your head.

Yeah, I would not choose as my child's guardian someone who had not already internalized the statement above (or someone who had extremely low self esteem, made everything about them, spun a small hurt into a much bigger issue). I do have empathy for you OP, because it is really hard to change these thought patterns, but it sounds like you need to put your energy into healing yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think you should channel some of your hurt into being pissed at your mother for telling you this. What a bitchy thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Interesting discussion - we had friends ask us to be the guardians in lieu of their siblings. We adore their DC and DC thinks of us as Aunt/Uncle - but we were worried it would cause a rift with their siblings.

Guess this answers it.

[Anonymous]

I did not pick my sibling and his wife. They were probably insulted. So be it. I thought they are emotionally unstable and self-involved, and their marriage was full of conflict. Indeed, they recently got divorced.

I would not entrust my children to my now-single brother. I think he means well, and would love them and try to do right by them. But I feel he is really emotionally not mature and is overly self-involved. Do I feel his own children suffer from this emotional immaturity? Yes, actually, I do. I don't think he is abusive or anything but he does a lot of stuff that seems unwise to me and I wish he would get some therapy and read some freaking parenting books. Actually, lately he seems to be getting a bit better.

Hey OP, I think it's insane that your mother told you this information. What was your mother's purpose in doing this? The fact that she did so makes me think you have some dysfunctional family dynamics going on and your low self-esteem and jumping to conclusions stems from that. I wouldn't be mad at your sister; I'd use this as a wake up call and get some therapy if you haven't already. If you were happy with your life the way it is now, I don't think you'd be taking your sister's decision so personally. The fact that you are so sad over this says to me it has touched a nerve.