Single friend feeling left behind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If women in DC want to marry, they are up against a lot of demographic challenges. The ratio of men to women is lower than it is on the West Coast. The men in this area are going to disproportionately live in the burbs, near the tech and biotech firms, while women are disproportionately working for nonprofits and law firms in the city. A lot of men out here had non-working mothers, so they think that women exist to clean up after them and tell them how smart they are.

Complete and total bullshit. No wonder you're a single mother, what man would want to cement his life with yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No, women don't deserve some guy who asks for nudes in line 4 of a conversation or who cant stoo going on about their demon ex from six years ago. But after 30, if you are serious about marriage, a serious examination of priorities and the such is needed.

Wow, someone with their head on straight. You will soon be rounded up by the DCUM Harpies and expelled from this board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think this message is too basic. I am pushing 30, have lived half way around the world by myself, dated a lot, have a great career and apartment, have no problems going to the movies or dinner, etc by myself, but for the love of God, if this is the rest of my life, I am going to be disappointed.

I am constantly being told this or hear this (not that I complain about being single often because I don't want the pity)...but this is a huge part of life that I won't get to experience if I don't find someone.

Then start asking men out.

Um, I do. I have no issues online dating and I am not scared to suggest meeting up. I have no desire to just chat with dudes on the Internet.

I also have re-examined my 'rules' - the last dude I broke some major ones (divorced, military, intelligence community, etc) - turns out he was a pathological liar who had a wife (depsite me asking a million and one questions, he always had a good answer). Hell, I actually considered at some point changing jobs to support his career, something I never would have done two years ago.

Like I have noted, don't be condescending because she may well be doing everything she is suppose to be doing.

[Anonymous]

In my long single days, what I most wished was that my married friends would help me meet people. I dated online a lot, but it was hard. It seemed like most of my friends didn't really know anyone single though, it seemed.

[Anonymous]

Dating online is a crutch. It's like playing the lotto. Yes, people win, but the odds are stacked against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating online is a crutch. It's like playing the lotto. Yes, people win, but the odds are stacked against you.

Exactly. It enables people to sit on their asses and let the action come to THEM, instead of being proactive, getting out into society and making things happen.

[Anonymous]

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/06/03/online-dating-marriage/2377961/
There are many of us out there that met their spouse initially online.
"Lead author John Cacioppo, a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, says dating sites may "attract people who are serious about getting married."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/06/03/online-dating-marriage/2377961/
There are many of us out there that met their spouse initially online.
"Lead author John Cacioppo, a psychologist and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, says dating sites may "attract people who are serious about getting married."

That means 2/3 of marriages do not start online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:obviously you have never dated online. neither did i, but i followed closely my best friend's adventures.

online dating is a whole different level of hell. luckily i am married, but if i were single i would not do online dating. it's demeaning, and soul crushing.

"but if i were single i would not do online dating. it's demeaning, and soul crushing."

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It would be interesting to me to understand how dating outside an online venue is any different.

It happens more organically and there is less volume, people do less comparisons and simply spend less time choosing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a single childless woman, my advice would be, include her in things even if everyone else invited has kids. Is my ideal way to spend time in someone's backyard with their kids running around? No, but I'd rather that than not get included at all. Don't do couples dinners etc and routinely exclude your single friends. Don't arrange a beach rental and assume your single friend doesn't want to come along.

Often people with kids exclude single people who don't have kids. It gets really lonely.

I will say, my one long-time single friend, gets annoyed when she's the "5th wheel" or the trip is going to be "all couples". I make an effort to see her just the two of us. But often I think she's more annoyed at being invited to "couples/family" stuff than not. Obviously, YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Op, my advice would be to listen to her, sympathize with her, and try not to fix it for her. Unless she asks directly. She just wants to complain a little because she's in a tough spot. If you start launching into all the ways she could be dating, but not, you are essentially telling her she's doing it wrong. Just listen, say things like "I can imagine this is hard". If it feels right, you can ask "Is there anything I can do to help?" and listen to her answer.

It's hard to be single when your friends settle down. But she's also an adult who has to deal with it. Be sensitive and kind to her, but don't feel guilty. Live life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your friend no longer excludes people because they don't like the Exact Same Bands, is only 5'11", needs to make $200k, is three years older, etc.

No, women don't deserve some guy who asks for nudes in line 4 of a conversation or who cant stoo going on about their demon ex from six years ago. But after 30, if you are serious about marriage, a serious examination of priorities and the such is needed.

You speak truth here. I have a good friend who is attractive, intelligent and funny. She is 35 and wants to get married, have kids. She has been doing online dating for about 10 years off and on. She desperately wants to find someone great, and she deserves someone great, but she has expectations that are skewed away from reality.

She has very key, limiting specifics for every category (e.g., musts = Catholic, 5'11+, advanced degree, holds job in one of a few specific career fields, never engaged or married, no kids, wants 3+ kids, no more than three years older than her, etc.) and thus, her pool of potential men, within these parameters, is very, very small. She is a great girl, but she is rigid with her must have list, that it counts out probably 90% of people out there. She says she knows that what she wants is limiting, but she doesn't think she should have to compromise. I get it, but I think she will be online for a good deal longer if she doesn't change at least one or two criteria.

I get where she is coming from because I used to be there too. It feels like everyone else was able to get the perfect guy without compromising, so why should you have to? It's only now that I am still single in my 40's that I realize that what looked like perfect and what my friends told me about their spouses was only partial truth. This is why I think friends should be more honest with single friends in their 30's and clue them in now .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a single childless woman, my advice would be, include her in things even if everyone else invited has kids. Is my ideal way to spend time in someone's backyard with their kids running around? No, but I'd rather that than not get included at all. Don't do couples dinners etc and routinely exclude your single friends. Don't arrange a beach rental and assume your single friend doesn't want to come along.

Often people with kids exclude single people who don't have kids. It gets really lonely.

I will say, my one long-time single friend, gets annoyed when she's the "5th wheel" or the trip is going to be "all couples". I make an effort to see her just the two of us. But often I think she's more annoyed at being invited to "couples/family" stuff than not. Obviously, YMMV.

Yep. That's why I stopped going to a certain New Year's Eve party. Everyone else had someone to kiss first at the stroke of midnight. I didn't. I couldn't bare that moment anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume your friend no longer excludes people because they don't like the Exact Same Bands, is only 5'11", needs to make $200k, is three years older, etc.

No, women don't deserve some guy who asks for nudes in line 4 of a conversation or who cant stoo going on about their demon ex from six years ago. But after 30, if you are serious about marriage, a serious examination of priorities and the such is needed.

You speak truth here. I have a good friend who is attractive, intelligent and funny. She is 35 and wants to get married, have kids. She has been doing online dating for about 10 years off and on. She desperately wants to find someone great, and she deserves someone great, but she has expectations that are skewed away from reality.

She has very key, limiting specifics for every category (e.g., musts = Catholic, 5'11+, advanced degree, holds job in one of a few specific career fields, never engaged or married, no kids, wants 3+ kids, no more than three years older than her, etc.) and thus, her pool of potential men, within these parameters, is very, very small. She is a great girl, but she is rigid with her must have list, that it counts out probably 90% of people out there. She says she knows that what she wants is limiting, but she doesn't think she should have to compromise. I get it, but I think she will be online for a good deal longer if she doesn't change at least one or two criteria.

I agree, and I'm a single woman who does NOT think one should ever have to settle for a partner they don't feel enough for, or will have major lifestyle incompatibilities with, but her list is ridiculous. She isn't looking to fall in love with a partner, she's looking to conjure someone into existence out of her own imagination. I can see 2 of her criteria that are valid (Catholic, and no kids from previous relationships). MAYBE 3, if she just truly isn't attracted to anything but tall men.

[Anonymous]

I met my now DH at 32 so I've been there. Now I'm in my 40s and happily married with 2 kids. I remember breaking up with my previous serious boyfriend right before my 30th birthday and it sucked. What I did is I decided that I was going to get married eventually so decided to just have fun and sow some wild oats. I hadn't sowed them before as I'd always been in serious relationships. A lot of dating experiences sucked but I decided that if I looked at dating as just fun and didn't take it too seriously it would suck less. I also decided to break up with anyone at the 3 month mark if the relationship was not going to progress to marriage etc. I broke up with some nice guys who just weren't right for me for various reasons (ie boring, different values from me etc.)

In the end I married a guy who I never would have looked at if I'd had some crazy list of criteria. He's 9 years older than me, earns less than me and is from a completely different culture, class background and religion than me. But somehow we just clicked and we still do. . I'm also tall (5'10") and I dated lots of men who were shorter than me. Never bothered me. I agree that shallow criteria like income or height have to go.

Anyway, I agree just don't talk about kids all the time and include your single friend in social activities.