Single friend feeling left behind

[Anonymous]

I met my best friend in college and we have remained close over the past 10 years. We are both 30. I am married with a toddler and she has been single for the past few years, having had two serious boyfriends before that. The majority of our social circle is now married and many are starting to have children. After a mutual friend announced her pregnancy this weekend, my friend confided in me, in a moment of vulnerability, that she's feeling left behind. It pains me to see her feeling down but I don't know if there's anything I can say to make her feel better. I know she has plenty of time, at 30, to meet someone and start a family, but that's easy for me to say.

Anyone been in a similar position? Should I just keep encouraging her to put herself out there? Keep my mouth shut and let her wallow?

[Anonymous]

My sister is the same way. Early 30s, single. After spending the last several summers going to all her friends' weddings, she's making the rounds for their baby showers.

Nothing I've said has ever helped. If anything, it makes it worse. When she starts complaining about it I say I'm sorry she's experiencing that. If I say much more, she feels like I'm being condescending and gets mad (not just me either, she does this with everyone). I'm not sure how much of it is a normal response, and how much is just my sister's personality.

Good luck with your friend.

[Anonymous]

As a single childless woman, my advice would be, include her in things even if everyone else invited has kids. Is my ideal way to spend time in someone's backyard with their kids running around? No, but I'd rather that than not get included at all. Don't do couples dinners etc and routinely exclude your single friends. Don't arrange a beach rental and assume your single friend doesn't want to come along.

Often people with kids exclude single people who don't have kids. It gets really lonely.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a wonderful + caring friend OP. Unfortunately there is little you can do in a situation such as this.

I would just continuously remind her what an awesome person she is and that it is only a matter of time before she finds that special someone to settle down with.

Stress to her that yes, many in your group ARE settling down now, but there are also many others your age who have not met the right person yet and that is a-okay too.

A person's worth should not be defined by what age they actually marry and have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend in college and we have remained close over the past 10 years. We are both 30. I am married with a toddler and she has been single for the past few years, having had two serious boyfriends before that. The majority of our social circle is now married and many are starting to have children. After a mutual friend announced her pregnancy this weekend, my friend confided in me, in a moment of vulnerability, that she's feeling left behind. It pains me to see her feeling down but I don't know if there's anything I can say to make her feel better. I know she has plenty of time, at 30, to meet someone and start a family, but that's easy for me to say.

Anyone been in a similar position? Should I just keep encouraging her to put herself out there? Keep my mouth shut and let her wallow?

Wonder if we have the same friend. My friend, 30 as well, just told me that she is terribly depressed with now everyone, but her either married, engaged, or already with kids. She is very lonely and in a low place right now. I too don't know what to say or do.

[Anonymous]

does she have clubs she could join? running, biking, soccer? Can your dh"s introduce her to someone>

my friend is in the same position. When she says something in wanting of a future I don't say stuff like like you have time, try this try that. I usually just say you will have a family. Just believe that. You will meet somebody.
There was a seminar I saw online recently abt how to network when single and I sent it to my friend. Surprisingly she was very grateful. I think it is hard out there. Btw, my friend is hugely successful, very tall and very pretty. I don't get it. I think she may just be too confident.

[Anonymous]

Are you me? As we enter our 30s, it's getting rough out there in the dating world. And the worst part is that the men our age have started dating younger. Their struggles put my TTC struggles into perspective.

[Anonymous]

Just wait till she's 40....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:does she have clubs she could join? running, biking, soccer? Can your dh"s introduce her to someone>

my friend is in the same position. When she says something in wanting of a future I don't say stuff like like you have time, try this try that. I usually just say you will have a family. Just believe that. You will meet somebody.
There was a seminar I saw online recently abt how to network when single and I sent it to my friend. Surprisingly she was very grateful. I think it is hard out there. Btw, my friend is hugely successful, very tall and very pretty. I don't get it. I think she may just be too confident.

Very tall is not a good thing in the dating world - take it from someone who is five eight. It means I am taller than many of the men in this town.

[Anonymous]

Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

Easy for you to say.

It is very lonely out there when all your friends are married and you are left in the dust. I'd rather see for myself if being married with beautiful children to love on and watch grow up is miserable. I'd like to take my chances, just like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

I agree here- I got married at 33. I HATED when people told me my time would come and look at me with such sympathy at weddings and showers. They all felt so sorry for me. Keep that sh-- to yourself. I didn't want to be reminded, and maybe I didn't care and you bringing it up made me think about it at an otherwise happy time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

I agree here- I got married at 33. I HATED when people told me my time would come and look at me with such sympathy at weddings and showers. They all felt so sorry for me. Keep that sh-- to yourself. I didn't want to be reminded, and maybe I didn't care and you bringing it up made me think about it at an otherwise happy time.

Never married 42yo here. +1 to all of the above. My early to mid 30s were rough. Now I'm a very very happy single mom.

[Anonymous]

As a never-married (single mom) of 43, I think the best thing you can do is to (a) encourage her to explore on-line dating, and (b) encourage her to make new friends of both sexes who are not married. (a) because on-line dating removes the whole "right place/right time" luck aspect of meeting someone, and (b) because it's easier to forget you are single when you are out having fun and not sitting at home alone.

I don't think you should say "your time will come" because it might not. Definitely don't say "it happens when you least expect it" because I think that in many cases, that is BS. Many of my married friends are that way because they tried VERY HARD to find a guy and get married. So the "least expect it" thing can add pressure - "do I put on makeup to go to the grocery store?"

What has always helped me is knowing that "married" does not mean fairy tales and unicorns. I'm not saying you should b*tch about your husband constantly, but I do appreciate hearing that there are negotiations about stuff I would take for granted, or that sometimes being married means reloading the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE TIME. it can be easy to romanticize it when you haven't seen the other side.

Also, encourage her not to hold off on doing stuff because she's waiting to do it with a guy. I feel like some women put their lives on hold until "he" comes along, and it makes me sad for them. I bought a house solo. I have taken some really amazing trips, with friends and without. If I want to do something, I do it. Usually I can find someone else who wants to do it. I have a great circle of friends, so I'm almost never the only solo person at a wedding.

[Anonymous]

It's so sad. I have many friends in this situation and they all refuse to go online. I actually tell them to just go ahead and have kids anyway. If I weren't married with a DS at 32 like I am, I'd seriously consider becoming a single mom.