Single friend feeling left behind

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

Easy for you to say.

It is very lonely out there when all your friends are married and you are left in the dust. I'd rather see for myself if being married with beautiful children to love on and watch grow up is miserable. I'd like to take my chances, just like you.

It IS easy for me to say! I got married at 38. I enjoyed the HELL out of my single years--vacationing with fun friends, travel, trying new sports and classes. Spending all my time and money doing stuff that I wanted! Of course dating was on my mind, and I dated a lot. But I also enjoyed my life the way it was. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is the worst possible waste of time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a never-married (single mom) of 43, I think the best thing you can do is to (a) encourage her to explore on-line dating, and (b) encourage her to make new friends of both sexes who are not married. (a) because on-line dating removes the whole "right place/right time" luck aspect of meeting someone, and (b) because it's easier to forget you are single when you are out having fun and not sitting at home alone.

I don't think you should say "your time will come" because it might not. Definitely don't say "it happens when you least expect it" because I think that in many cases, that is BS. Many of my married friends are that way because they tried VERY HARD to find a guy and get married. So the "least expect it" thing can add pressure - "do I put on makeup to go to the grocery store?"

What has always helped me is knowing that "married" does not mean fairy tales and unicorns. I'm not saying you should b*tch about your husband constantly, but I do appreciate hearing that there are negotiations about stuff I would take for granted, or that sometimes being married means reloading the dishwasher EVERY SINGLE TIME. it can be easy to romanticize it when you haven't seen the other side.

Also, encourage her not to hold off on doing stuff because she's waiting to do it with a guy. I feel like some women put their lives on hold until "he" comes along, and it makes me sad for them. I bought a house solo. I have taken some really amazing trips, with friends and without. If I want to do something, I do it. Usually I can find someone else who wants to do it. I have a great circle of friends, so I'm almost never the only solo person at a wedding.

I was single in my early-mid 30s, too (now married in my 40s). I would say that this is the roughest time to be single - but she probably doesn't need you trying to fix things for her. She knows she needs to make friends and get out there; she doesn't need you telling her to do it. If you know any great potential partners, though, she'd probabl appreciate being fixed up. And I am almost certain she'd appreciate being invited over for things - dinner, movies, whatever, so she doesn't have to feel like not having a spouse means she's completely excluded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad. I have many friends in this situation and they all refuse to go online. I actually tell them to just go ahead and have kids anyway. If I weren't married with a DS at 32 like I am, I'd seriously consider becoming a single mom.

Your friends should definitely go online/ What's stopping them?

[Anonymous]

I think they hesitate to go online bc it's genuinely unpleasant. Sure there are some nice guys out there but you have to sift through a lot of sleazebags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my best friend in college and we have remained close over the past 10 years. We are both 30. I am married with a toddler and she has been single for the past few years, having had two serious boyfriends before that. The majority of our social circle is now married and many are starting to have children. After a mutual friend announced her pregnancy this weekend, my friend confided in me, in a moment of vulnerability, that she's feeling left behind. It pains me to see her feeling down but I don't know if there's anything I can say to make her feel better. I know she has plenty of time, at 30, to meet someone and start a family, but that's easy for me to say.

Anyone been in a similar position? Should I just keep encouraging her to put herself out there? Keep my mouth shut and let her wallow?

Tell her to start being proactive and asking out men instead of sitting on her hands and waiting for things to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you me? As we enter our 30s, it's getting rough out there in the dating world. And the worst part is that the men our age have started dating younger.

Why shouldn't we? Start putting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so sad. I have many friends in this situation and they all refuse to go online. I actually tell them to just go ahead and have kids anyway. If I weren't married with a DS at 32 like I am, I'd seriously consider becoming a single mom.

Why not? It's not like children need fathers in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they hesitate to go online bc it's genuinely unpleasant. Sure there are some nice guys out there but you have to sift through a lot of sleazebags.

This is how women end up single in their early 30s, because they're turning down perfectly good suitors while hoping Prince Charming will appear to whisk them away.

[Anonymous]

Yes kids need fathers. But I'd rather be a single mom than not have a child at all. Yes it would be better for the child to grow up with a dad but it's my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes kids need fathers. But I'd rather be a single mom than not have a child at all. Yes it would be better for the child to grow up with a dad but it's my life.

No, it's not YOUR life. It's the CHILD's life.

[Anonymous]

I got married at 32 and was very lucky during my sungke days that I had other good friends who were single. Because being single in itself iant as hard as not feeling like you have a community. Most of my friends had kids in their thirties as well. That really helped. Maybe your friend can broaden her social horizons and connect with other single people, as friends. There are plenty her age in this area, for sure (I lived in NYC, which may explain my experience).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

I think this message is too basic. I am pushing 30, have lived half way around the world by myself, dated a lot, have a great career and apartment, have no problems going to the movies or dinner, etc by myself, but for the love of God, if this is the rest of my life, I am going to be disappointed.

I am constantly being told this or hear this (not that I complain about being single often because I don't want the pity)...but this is a huge part of life that I won't get to experience if I don't find someone.

[Anonymous]

Lots of good advice here (this is OP). I appreciate the different perspectives. Thanks everyone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

Easy for you to say.

It is very lonely out there when all your friends are married and you are left in the dust. I'd rather see for myself if being married with beautiful children to love on and watch grow up is miserable. I'd like to take my chances, just like you.

It IS easy for me to say! I got married at 38. I enjoyed the HELL out of my single years--vacationing with fun friends, travel, trying new sports and classes. Spending all my time and money doing stuff that I wanted! Of course dating was on my mind, and I dated a lot. But I also enjoyed my life the way it was. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is the worst possible waste of time and energy.

It's not my ideal to have my children conceived in a petri dish with a dude that was lrftover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't condescend to her by saying she will meet someone soon. A woman doesn't need to be married with children to be happy, so don't encourage her to "hold on" until she can finally join the blissful ranks of married women. Study after study has shown that single women are the happiest group of all; married women are the LEAST happy. The problem is that our society tells women that they are unfulfilled and selfish if they haven't snagged a man and popped out any babies yet.

So please encourage her to expand her social circle to include more unmarried, child-free, happy people. Life is too short to be wishing it away waiting for a family.

- married mother of 2

I think this message is too basic. I am pushing 30, have lived half way around the world by myself, dated a lot, have a great career and apartment, have no problems going to the movies or dinner, etc by myself, but for the love of God, if this is the rest of my life, I am going to be disappointed.

I am constantly being told this or hear this (not that I complain about being single often because I don't want the pity)...but this is a huge part of life that I won't get to experience if I don't find someone.

I'm 39 and still single. 30, 31, and 32 are still great dating ages. Get yourself out there now as much as possible if you want to be married. Ask all your friends to fix you up, go online, join sports teams or whatever. These are prime dating years - take advantage of it. And dump guys you aren't that into. Don't stay in relationships that aren't going anywhere.

This is what I wish I'd done at your age.