Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

Only is your four-year-old is Special Needs or doesn't speak English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

Yes, this. I'd like to see some PPs respond to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

I would bet he apologized because they were packing up to leave. Drama all around.

[Anonymous]

I am sure he apologized because his wife made him because her sister was having a temper tantrum.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I feel after reading this thread is that there are a lot of kids being raised by bad parents and they are going to be very dysfunctional, lonely adults as a result. I hope my kids don't ever come into contact with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

If my 4 year old was standing on someone's couch, I would be fine if someone removed him. He absolutely knows that isn't the right way to act, so he doesn't get warnings to comply.

[Anonymous]

BIL removing your daughter from dangerous situation - ok.
BIL yelling and scaring everyone - not ok.
BIL apologized. You stayed for nephew's party.

I would not stay there again. I think I would have done everything that you did.

We do not like to stay at other people's homes because it is often uncomfortable for me. My boys are also 4 and 6. They are a handful. They run around, fight and make a mess in our home. I would not expect others to accept that behavior in their home.

[Anonymous]

I don;t see that your BIL did anything horrible to elicit your melodramatic response. No, your BIL's way is not the way I would ever handle my boys but that does not mean he did anything wrong is his own home.

You and your DH are most definitely overreacting and playing control games with your in-laws (you did something wrong so now I am going to punish you). You have to be careful with that - your in-laws may agree with your forced absence and be happy about it.

[Anonymous]

OP I think the incident itself is normal. Sometimes young kids do things they shouldn't. But the way you posted gives me the feeling that your BIL has a temper that you did not know about and it worries you. Trust your gut. Maybe when your kids are a little older. I am not excusing him, but some people have no patience at all with small kids. You could try waiting it out for a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

I would bet he apologized because they were packing up to leave. Drama all around.

If you read the OP it sounds like he didn't even know they were packing up. Just that they had retreated to the guest room because he had reduced two children to tears and screamed in his BIL's face.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I don't agree with what your BIL did but I would guess the reason your children cried is because they saw how upset you were. If you had let him 'handle' the situation and then later talked to him to sort things out, it may have gone smoother. Not supporting your BIL but it would not have escalated had you gone this route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

Yes, this. I'd like to see some PPs respond to this.

There could be lots of reasons for an apology: wife forced it, didn't want his kid to be disappointed because you left, felt badly about what happened,....

what's your point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a very relaxed parent. You have to be with a bunch of boys or you will be yelling all the time.

OP, you were way out of line. You over reacted. You escalated the situation. Your child's behavior was out of control. If that infraction resulted in BIL yelling then I am sure there was a lot of wildness by your kids prior to that point that really tried his patience.

I am guessing if he posted here his side would be very different than what you posted, particularly with regards to her getting off the couch arm. I am sure she did not compliantly step down when asked, and the grabbing for her legs leads me to believe there was likely some defiant response from her coupled with her launching herself or running across his couch on the way down.

My kids would have gotten scolded by me after that exchange and then made to help clean or something similar as an apology for being rude to someone else's house.

I kind of agree with this PP on some things. I feel like there must be more to the story. Even when my temper is at its shortest (and I think I have a fairly short temper relative to most people), I would not get angry that quickly at someone else's child unless there had been previous incidents that day that had worn me down.

I am having a hard time picturing what "grabbing at her legs" means. Was he trying to pick her up so he could put her on the floor? Was he using her legs to try to pull her off the couch? Was she kicking her legs or running away so that he couldn't get her? I'm just confused.

OTOH, IMO it was out of line for him to touch your child and certainly the yelling and what he said was way over the top. I guess I just have more of a sense of boundaries with my niece and nephews. For something as trivial as climbing up on a sofa arm, I would have said to you "hey, Jane, do you think Jamie should be standing on the arm of the sofa? I'm afraid she might fall" and then let you do the removing. If it was a toddler who wouldn't have understood (or couldn't be expected to comply with) a request to get down I might have picked her up and set her on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume that everyone here responding would insist that their children use their words when confronting a peer, so why is it that so many of you are just fine with the BIL angrily grabbing at a four year old girl's legs to the point that she is in tears? He didn't say, "please don't stand on the couch" or "get off the couch" or even "get off the damn couch." He said "No, no!" and then grabbed her. Do all your kids hop to attention the instant you say "no!" and do exactly what you're asking them to read your mind about? Or are they lost in their own thoughts doing their own thing and it takes them a second to process? I'm guessing the latter. That's normal four YO behavior. Even when doing something that upon reflection they should know not to do.

If he had unemotionally picked her up and set her down, that's no problem. But getting worked up about a four year old on the arm of your sofa and then grabbing at her when she's clearly scared of you and trying to get away is completely unacceptable.

The fact that he CAME AND APOLOGIZED should tell everyone what they need to know about this interaction. He was clearly in the wrong or he wouldn't have done so.

This man is clearly not in control of his temper. I feel sorry for his kids.

If my 4 year old was standing on someone's couch, I would be fine if someone removed him. He absolutely knows that isn't the right way to act, so he doesn't get warnings to comply.

I'm the first PP here. And so would I. Except after removing her, he was angrily grabbing at her. That I would NOT be fine with.