Guys... What makes you put s ring on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

I dare say you shouldn't expect another proposal from this you g gentleman any time soon, if ever.

I would love if you would start your won head so we can delve into this further. You realize you've blocked your own proposal, and are now pissy about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

I guess he should have taken out a loan and bought you the ring that you really wanted? Uh, no. Deep in debt is not the way to start a life together.

I hope that guy runs. Far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I share the views of several PPs who said that being able to walk away is important. Adding my grain of salt.. Given the number of proposals I've received, I would say I have always been marriage material (even though I am a perfectly average/normal woman), and the times when I wasn't, I knew why. As a very happily married person (because the points below also work to STAY married), I'll try to sum up (I am French, English is my second language so forgive the mistakes please):

- Healthy self esteem. Not too high not too low. First mistakes: being delusional and too demanding (ie wanting to date a perfect guy when you are not a catch yourself) or being too easy to get (whatever your worth, men want to feel that they won the lottery, or at least got a good deal ).
- Being someone who projects EMOTIONAL self sufficiency. You don't need him to marry you to feel complete/fulfilled. Clinginess and dependency are a major turn off. Have a life, your friends, your work, your money...A lot of men are afraid to marry a potential "liability/weight" that they will have to carry around. Because men have a "provider" role, the rational decision is to marry someone who won't need them in a way that seems overwhelming to them. Not all men are scared by the same thing (health, money, family, children .. can have completely diff impacts depending on the guy), but I would say that someone who seems emotionally dependent, whose happiness depends on them too much, is generally scary.
- BUT you want to leave space to show you need him. That one is complicated because even though men have to feel needed, women IMHO often interpret it the wrong way. They want you to need them to open the jarr, help you discover good music, repair the car, play the guitar (whatever their strenght is), and they want you to show your appreciation, but they don't want you to need/require their emotional support. American women (apologies for the generalization..) sometimes want to project strength in a way that doesn't leave space for a man to demonstrate their competencies (i.e compete with their man on everything) and after emasculating them, they want their man to provide strong emotional support. I don't think it works (even if as a feminist I can totally see why it seems perfectly fair, but forget it, it just doesnt work).
- Be confident in the fact that you can find someone else if you want to, and convey that feeling. Not with words (counterproductive), with your attitude. If you show fear of being alone, or too old to go back on the dating market, you are basically telling him "take pity on me, marry me because if not noone else will". As I said before, men want to win the lottery, they need to be afraid to lose you, they don't want to marry you out of pity. Now the difficulty is what is the best attitude to adopt .. As a a French person I may be a tiny bit more flirty then the typical american audience , but not much, and I am not a cheater at all, I like my (american) husband to see that other men find me funny, attractive,and interesting to talk to. That's all. And it works extremely well (the post party sex is extremely telling...).
- Convey the feeling that you are able to happily walk away. A consequence from the points above. You are strong, you don't need him, you want him, that's a huge difference. You are not blackmailing him into marrying you, you express clearly what you want and what makes you happy " I want to build a strong relationship with a partner who will marry me and commit to me, and if that's not you, it is fine, let me go so I can find someone who will be that kind of partner". No anger, no begging (certainly no begging), no pity party. And if he let's you walk, then no regrets, he is not the right one for you, it is good that you stop losing time, life is short!


OP: given what you say, you seem to fall in the laid back easy maintenance category so in your case the "problem" may be that he is not scared of losing you.. Either because he is completely out of your league (but i doubt that), or because you don't keep him enough on his toes and don't project the proper kind of independance. If you let him think he is the best you can get and you are afraid of losing him, then he has no rational reason to "secure the deal" and he can actually value your relationship less because he starts to see it through your own eyes. Confidence is sexy.

I am going to make a poor analogy: think about house hunt, in a seller market with low inventory everyone rushes to close in 3 days as long as the price is right. If the buyers think they have time to think, they'll keep on looking for a better house at a better deal, even if they end up closing for the same price on the same type of house a couple of years later. No pressure to close, they know they'll find the same deal whenever they want

Saving this post. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

I guess he should have taken out a loan and bought you the ring that you really wanted? Uh, no. Deep in debt is not the way to start a life together.

I hope that guy runs. Far away.

No. I wasn't asking him to go into debt. I just think I'd want an engagement ring that isn't from the mall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

I guess he should have taken out a loan and bought you the ring that you really wanted? Uh, no. Deep in debt is not the way to start a life together.

I hope that guy runs. Far away.

No. I wasn't asking him to go into debt. I just think I'd want an engagement ring that isn't from the mall.

So you're complaining that he won't propose, but he DID propose, but it wasn't suitable.

More importantly that the ring you will be wearing, is the man that you will be facing every day. As a couple, you will have to go through times you never thought you could survive. And it's not the ring that will get you through, it's the man who gave it to you.

You have a lifetime together to "upgrade" your ring if the bling is important to you.

Set him free. First of all, you're not mature enough to get married. Secondly, you're going to make him miserable as your wants and reality are very far apart from one another.

[Anonymous]

I think too many women give too much. I loved my first bf so much. He was an ass and took me for granted. Wasted many years on him. Would have done anything for him. Thank goodness I was young! I had plenty of time to bounce back and date fabulous guys. I naturally had a wall up. I lost weight from heartbreak and studied hard in college. I ended up at an ivy league grad schools and I had tons of suitors. I never gave as much as I did to my first love. DH has always loved me more. I had my own life, my own friends, my own hobbies. DH had an ex who sounded like a tool. The only thing she wanted was to marry him and he didn't. That was probably how my first bf thought of me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are getting some idiotic advice in this thread. You are not married because the guy you have wasted your life with doesn't want to marry you, okay? It's that simple. You should have left as soon as that was clear, instead of compromising your life goal for him.

Before I got married, I dated men who wouldn't quite commit. The key is to throw the garbage in the bin, instead of trying to hold on. One guy I dated for four months and when he still kept his silly little games, I stopped returning his calls. Another guy I really, really liked and he seemed perfect in every way, but he kept saying negative things about marriage and had a history of cheating on his girlfriends. As hard as it was, I dropped him too in a matter of months. The last guy I dated before I met my now DH worked very long hours and used them as an excuse why we didn't see each other all that much. I was really into him and when we saw each other, he was really into me. But he did not give me the attention I needed. I dumped him too after three months. A month later, I met my current husband and he was just wild about me. He would have died on the cross for me and HE begged me to marry him. That's what I'm talking about.

See, it's not that other women don't meet commitmentphobes and other time wasters. It's not that we're prettier or better or give up anal sex (as some repulsive beast suggested earlier in the thread). It is that we know how to move on to the next quickly until we find the guy who fits us and adores us exactly as we need.
pl

Thank you. Finally some sanity in the thread. He's not that into you. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think too many women give too much. I loved my first bf so much. He was an ass and took me for granted. Wasted many years on him. Would have done anything for him. Thank goodness I was young! I had plenty of time to bounce back and date fabulous guys. I naturally had a wall up. I lost weight from heartbreak and studied hard in college. I ended up at an ivy league grad schools and I had tons of suitors. I never gave as much as I did to my first love. DH has always loved me more. I had my own life, my own friends, my own hobbies. DH had an ex who sounded like a tool. The only thing she wanted was to marry him and he didn't. That was probably how my first bf thought of me.

This is such a damaged view of relationships. You need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting some idiotic advice in this thread. You are not married because the guy you have wasted your life with doesn't want to marry you, okay? It's that simple. You should have left as soon as that was clear, instead of compromising your life goal for him.

Before I got married, I dated men who wouldn't quite commit. The key is to throw the garbage in the bin, instead of trying to hold on. One guy I dated for four months and when he still kept his silly little games, I stopped returning his calls. Another guy I really, really liked and he seemed perfect in every way, but he kept saying negative things about marriage and had a history of cheating on his girlfriends. As hard as it was, I dropped him too in a matter of months. The last guy I dated before I met my now DH worked very long hours and used them as an excuse why we didn't see each other all that much. I was really into him and when we saw each other, he was really into me. But he did not give me the attention I needed. I dumped him too after three months. A month later, I met my current husband and he was just wild about me. He would have died on the cross for me and HE begged me to marry him. That's what I'm talking about.

See, it's not that other women don't meet commitmentphobes and other time wasters. It's not that we're prettier or better or give up anal sex (as some repulsive beast suggested earlier in the thread). It is that we know how to move on to the next quickly until we find the guy who fits us and adores us exactly as we need.
pl

I can see dumping someone after only a few months due to incompatibility issues. But dumping them after just a few months because they are not ready to talk marriage yet? No. I'm a woman and that would have been WAY too early for me too. Some of us just take longer to think marriage. I don't think that makes us defective or commitment phobes. Just really careful.

Now the folks who obviously are happier single/unhitched and have no desire to be exclusive with anyone - yeah, with them you just have to see the writing on the wall.

PP here. You misread my post. It was not that he was not ready to "talk" marriage. He had plenty to say about marriage and none of it was good. Women need to really hear a man and take what he is saying seriously. A man who has negative, selfish views on marriage is not going to suddenly become better because you wasted years on him. You might've waited before dumping that guy, but you would've been wasting your own time as many women do. It is almost 10 years later now and that guy is still not married. He has been in multiple long-term relationships with women who have tried everything and driven themselves nuts trying to marry him.

This is probably the most emotionally healthy person who has posted on this thread. Listen to her.

+1. She speaks the truth.

[Anonymous]

Remember the honeymoon phase - the exciting start of a relationship. He may have loved lady # 1 a few years ago, but it's gotten boring. And he wasn't ready to get married a few years ago.
Now he meets lady #2. He's older, ready, and he's head over heels.

He'll be just as bored with her in a few as he was with lady #1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 28 and my bf of 2 years is 26. I feel like I'm ready for the next step in my life and I want to take I with him. We have talked marriage and kids for at least a year. Also, he keeps saying how he wants to spend his life with me. However he has made no moves to try to propose to me. I'm getting impatient. We're old enough, mature enough and earn enough - what's the wait for?

He says he needs time to plan a proper proposal for me and I should stop nagging him about it.

Time to plan a proper proposal is nonsense. It takes about half a day to pick a proper time and place if it's something you want to do.

I talked to him on New Years this year about how I'd like for us to get engaged this year. He said okay. Now I think he's waiting until December to propose. I wish he'd do it sooner so that I can be done with this miserable waiting period. People poorer than us and younger than us have proposed and are getting married this year. So I just feel like he doesn't love me enough to seal the deal.

26 is pretty young for a man these days, at least in any reasonably sized city. Are you sure he's not just stringing you along?

How do I know?

I mean, he is 26 and and he doesn't make six figures nor does he come from a rich family so he does need to save. He's been talking a lot about saving and being financially responsible lately. Also, last year around October, he was going to propose using a really cheap ring when I stopped him and said I'd rather he wait and get me a ring that is really like since I'll wear it all day every day forever.

Wait, so he was going to propose, you told him the ring wasn't good enough and he needed to get you a more expensive one, and are now upset that you have to wait for a proposal while he saves money for the ring and thinks the fact that he's trying to give you what you said you wanted means he doesn't love you enough?

Sweetie, you need to be glad he hasn't dumped you yet, because you're straying way into crazytown.

[Anonymous]

So you've basically given him a deadline on buying you a ring he can't really afford. And you recognize that you would be married/engaged by now if you had accepted what he could afford at the time. That tells me you care more about the ring than the guy, which also tells me you don't have the first clue what marriage is really about. Just...yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Age: On the brink of 40. In what's a "happy" long term relationship. But he'lll never marry me, and I know that.

Yes, part of my sadness is partly hitting a milestone birthday.

I just wonder what makes some women the marrying type, and others not. I've been had others before who didn't ask me either. I have a friend who has been married 3 times, and she's

You are missing out on child window, this is a major problem