Staying at a relative's kosher house when you are not kosher (with small kids)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not get the impression that a 4 year old is the reason op is apprehensive. People with older children forget what living with a 4 year old is like. Most of the time it is easier to host instead of go as guests into someones home whereinevitably you will take over all living space.

Kids do not do well with the nomadic lifestyle.

Going to visit your aunt does not equal a nomadic lifestyle.

I see no evidence that children do well with the hyper controlled/helicoptered lifestyle most on DCUM seem to espouse. Kids learn flexibility by being put in situations where they can practice it, and see it modeled. Learning that at Auntie X's house you have your milk at bedtime rather than at dinner, is a very age appropriate way to start learning that families are different and have different practices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well DH talked to her and we're going. She said no milk at dinner and the rest we can "figure out" whatever that means. Can't say I feel much better but it is what it is.

They are nice people, I just really don't like staying at other people's homes except my own parents because I can be totally honest with them.

So the bottom line is that you don't like staying at anyone's home except that of your own parents. Does your DH understand this?

Finally, the real story. I hate staying at people's houses too. But I don't invent stupid reasons to try to get out of it. I just book my hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Could the child eat his meal before everyone (at a different table if needed) and then just enjoy a non-dairy dessert at the table during the adult meal?

[Anonymous]

Kosher rules are hard to understand because they make no sense. Dont bother trying.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you call the aunt, tell her that you have concerns and want to be good guests.

It might be obvious at that point if your son can drink milk from a paper cup at the table with pot roast or not. I think, though, you will sound a bit tone deaf if you can't get you child to skip the one cup of milk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you call the aunt, tell her that you have concerns and want to be good guests.

It might be obvious at that point if your son can drink milk from a paper cup at the table with pot roast or not. I think, though, you will sound a bit tone deaf if you can't get you child to skip the one cup of milk.

The Aunt has already stated that she's not comfortable with milk on the table during dinner. There are plenty of other solutions besides this one, and harping on this particular solution is very rude of the OP. OP does not want to stay at the Aunt's house, probably because her parents catered to her and spoiled her the way she is doing to her child. By blaming it on the child, she's continuing the pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you call the aunt, tell her that you have concerns and want to be good guests.

It might be obvious at that point if your son can drink milk from a paper cup at the table with pot roast or not. I think, though, you will sound a bit tone deaf if you can't get you child to skip the one cup of milk.

He can always drink his milk in the kitchen if you are eating in the dining room or vis versa.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Not sure why everyone is being so nasty. I haven't expressed my concerns to anyone but DH and an anonymous board. We will be good guests. Hopefully the kosher wine will be flowing. There's no law that says I have to like it.

[Anonymous]

I'm 17:51. You have to report back after the trip to tell us how it went. Sounds like aunt is not aware of how big of an issue this is for you so that is likely why she said no milk with dinner. If there is a complete meltdown with no milk during chicken dinner on night 1 (and hopefully for everyone's sake there will not be), then hopefully aunt will be a good host and change her meal plan for night 2 to something that can accommodate your ds (e.g., pasta, eggs, etc.). If not, then you will know to never stay there again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Not sure why everyone is being so nasty. I haven't expressed my concerns to anyone but DH and an anonymous board. We will be good guests. Hopefully the kosher wine will be flowing. There's no law that says I have to like it.

Stop being a doormat, put your foot down, and book a fucking hotel room. This is not rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Not sure why everyone is being so nasty. I haven't expressed my concerns to anyone but DH and an anonymous board. We will be good guests. Hopefully the kosher wine will be flowing. There's no law that says I have to like it.

But etiquette rules suggest you not show it. Can you pull it off? My experience with kosher people who want you to stay over is that they understand the challenges and accommodate by letting you relax and not touch kitchen things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Well DH talked to her and we're going. She said no milk at dinner and the rest we can "figure out" whatever that means. Can't say I feel much better but it is what it is.

They are nice people, I just really don't like staying at other people's homes except my own parents because I can be totally honest with them.

So the bottom line is that you don't like staying at anyone's home except that of your own parents. Does your DH understand this?

Finally, the real story. I hate staying at people's houses too. But I don't invent stupid reasons to try to get out of it. I just book my hotel room.

I'd stay at my MIL's house but not my parents. I hate staying at people's homes too. Its so uncomfortable because some people are sincere about you making yourself comfortable and some are clueless and never say help yourself to food, prepare meals, etc. Once we stayed at my BIL's house and we basically starved because they had said we could use a car and BIL changed his mind and they had strange eating habits and never once offered us food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

PP you're attacking, here. If you think it's in the realm of normal to say something like that to a person, to someone you care for, then I'm glad I don't know you or the circles you move in. And I stand by what I said. Telling someone something so dreadful is not a good thing. No matter who says that.

I think it is far more dreadful to say "I will prevent you from having a relationship with my child, because you eat differently." Bryan it is to say "Please let me be the one to prepare the food and wash the dishes."

I never said that.

[Anonymous]

But can my 4 yo drink milk with dinner if the Aunt is serving pot roast, for example?


The aunt KNOWS you do not keep kosher, so I'm sure she'll manage this fine. Would your child eat pot roast in the first place?


No, she wouldn't eat pot roast. I just don't know if a glass of milk is even allowed at the table when pot roast is being served. I am totally clueless. I just know that dairy and meat together is a no-no.


No, at my grandmother's it would not. 3-4 hour separation between the meat and the dairy. My kosher grandparents would not let us (non kosher people) touch any utensils, pots, food, etc. because we would contaminate it for them. But it depends on the person.


I'm so glad my religion doesn't teach that a relative can contaminate something just by touching it. What an awful thing to teach and to believe in. This seems so devoid of love, so unnecessarily strict, so legalistic.


What religion are you, PP? If you affiliate with one of the "major" religions, I can 100% guarantee you it includes its share of awful, loveless teachings. Maybe you aren't that devout, but then again neither are most Jews.


I am a Neo-Pagan, formerly Catholic. I never heard anything that harsh even as a Catholic.


It's probably best if you refrain from harshly judging things you know nothing about.


PP you're attacking, here. If you think it's in the realm of normal to say something like that to a person, to someone you care for, then I'm glad I don't know you or the circles you move in. And I stand by what I said. Telling someone something so dreadful is not a good thing. No matter who says that.

I did not attack you. I very politely told you it is probably not a good idea to judge things you know nothing about.

You admit that you are not a Jew and your words show you know nothing about observant Jews who keep kosher. Yet, you harshly judged them. I bolded your comments. They are judgmental and unkind.

Then you come back to attack me. You have some serious issues. Unclench and ask yourself why YOU feel the need to be so rude.

[Anonymous]

The whole situation sounds like a PITA. Book a hotel room!