Playdates... so annoying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

With activities 6 days per week, why add play dates if they're stressful?


Because kids need to figure out how to hang out with a friend, think up activities to do, and resolve disagreements in a less structured environment where they are not being told what to do by an adult every second.

I agree but that means cut back on activities and tell the kids to go bike and play. Organizing their friends is hovering.

I don't know what you mean by "organizing their friends." My son tells me who he wants to invite over for a play date, if anyone. I send the mom an email asking if the kid can come. Since many of his friends can't read too well, it probably wouldn't work for him to do that on his own. He just turned 6, and isn't all that great of a bike rider, so he can't bike to a friend's house yet. There is one boy he is friends with who lives within walking distance, and they can get together more informally, but if he indicates an interest in getting together with other boys, I'm happy to take less than 5 minutes to send the email.

So have your 6yr old call the other boy and ask to come over. Did your parents call other moms for you or tell you to? Parents setting up playdates is hovering and scheduling for your child.

Who is getting these 6 yr olds to/from each other's houses? Do the 6yr olds know everything the family has scheduled for a weekend? Yes, around 6-7 yrs old we started teaching the kids to make the phone call, ask to speak to friend, but at some point in there the phone has to get transferred to the parents to deal w/ logistics. And, often email is just more efficient. Now at 10-11 yrs my kids handle those calls/texts on their own but they still have to clear things with the parents for transportation and scheduling.

No, my mom didn't call kids to set up play time for me but when I was 6 I was allowed to go anywhere in my neighborhood including to the park to see who was hanging out there or could just knock on someone's door. I'd get arrested if I did that today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate pladmates and only arrange them because DC begs. Always thought it unnecessary because he sees these kids at school 5 days/week but during a period when he was having trouble staying focused his teacher told me that play dates can be a way of heading that off.

Seeing kids at school is not the same has having a couple relaxed hours to play together. There is very little play time at school. It's beneficial for kids to have time to figure out what to do together, negotiate the details, be creative, have fun. The equivalent to me is that I have some coworkers who are friends. We chat throughout the day and often have a quick lunch together but it's not the same as going out for Happy Hour or spending a couple hours on a Sunday afternoon playing tennis.

[Anonymous]

I am dreading this too. Especially since I am an introvert. I hate making small talk with people I don't really know. And now it sounds like if I don't do lots of play dates my kid will become a social outcast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dreading this too. Especially since I am an introvert. I hate making small talk with people I don't really know. And now it sounds like if I don't do lots of play dates my kid will become a social outcast.

There doesn't need to be a lot of small talk, certainly at age 5+ we never had parents stay for playdates. Some of my kids' friends' parents have become my friends and so we do sometimes stay to visit with each other while the kids are playing but there are also others where it's just a quick drop-off.

I'm also an introvert and really struggled with learning how to interact with other kids and build good friendships. It didn't help that my mom was also an introvert who'd been pressured by her highly-extroverted mom to be very social so she IMO over-corrected by not doing anything to encourage my social interactions. I hope I've found a happy midpoint. I've gotten to a place where I have a good circle of friends and we encouraged our kids to spend time with kids they express an interest in. For my introverted DD there were several years of playdates with a variety of girls (maybe 1/week when she was in a PT preschool and then 2/mo in early ES) until she settled into two best friends. The three girls now get together nearly every weekend at one of our houses and parents are only consulted for driving and schedule confirmation. DS is more social and still prefer to spend time with a variety of kids but by default spends the most time with a boy on our street.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I put up with some annoying parents so that my kid can spend time with kids he likes. My mom did it for me, though I didn't realize it at the time.

+1

You don't have to be best friends with the parents. Just be an adult and hang out. If they are nosy or otherwise socially misfit, rude, or don't reciprocate, then you know not to engage next time.

As the children get older, they tend to pick their own friends, as they should. Funny, for the most part, I like the parents of the friends my children choose.

[Anonymous]

I've never had issues like that with playdates. I think you need to seek out different people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am dreading this too. Especially since I am an introvert. I hate making small talk with people I don't really know. And now it sounds like if I don't do lots of play dates my kid will become a social outcast.

I am an introvert too, but that doesn't mean that I want to be alone. I enjoy spending time with people I am close to.

When my kids were little, I hosted a weekly playgroup of four moms for about 3 years, and those women that became my best friends. The small talk phase ended pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dreading this too. Especially since I am an introvert. I hate making small talk with people I don't really know. And now it sounds like if I don't do lots of play dates my kid will become a social outcast.

I am an introvert too, but that doesn't mean that I want to be alone. I enjoy spending time with people I am close to.

When my kids were little, I hosted a weekly playgroup of four moms for about 3 years, and those women that became my best friends. The small talk phase ended pretty quickly.

+1 As an introvert, I actually found it a lot easier to get to know other moms in more structured or captive audience settings like a playgroup or later (starting around age 3) in a 1-on-1 chat during a playdate. I wasn't very comfortable just starting up a conversation with a random mom at the park or breaking into a group of moms chatting at preschool drop-off/pick-up. Once the kids were older (ES or so) the chatting could be limited to a few minutes at drop-off/pick-up and I gradually got more comfortable with the other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

With activities 6 days per week, why add play dates if they're stressful?


Because kids need to figure out how to hang out with a friend, think up activities to do, and resolve disagreements in a less structured environment where they are not being told what to do by an adult every second.

I agree but that means cut back on activities and tell the kids to go bike and play. Organizing their friends is hovering.

I don't know what you mean by "organizing their friends." My son tells me who he wants to invite over for a play date, if anyone. I send the mom an email asking if the kid can come. Since many of his friends can't read too well, it probably wouldn't work for him to do that on his own. He just turned 6, and isn't all that great of a bike rider, so he can't bike to a friend's house yet. There is one boy he is friends with who lives within walking distance, and they can get together more informally, but if he indicates an interest in getting together with other boys, I'm happy to take less than 5 minutes to send the email.

So have your 6yr old call the other boy and ask to come over. Did your parents call other moms for you or tell you to? Parents setting up playdates is hovering and scheduling for your child.

Who is getting these 6 yr olds to/from each other's houses? Do the 6yr olds know everything the family has scheduled for a weekend? Yes, around 6-7 yrs old we started teaching the kids to make the phone call, ask to speak to friend, but at some point in there the phone has to get transferred to the parents to deal w/ logistics. And, often email is just more efficient. Now at 10-11 yrs my kids handle those calls/texts on their own but they still have to clear things with the parents for transportation and scheduling.

No, my mom didn't call kids to set up play time for me but when I was 6 I was allowed to go anywhere in my neighborhood including to the park to see who was hanging out there or could just knock on someone's door. I'd get arrested if I did that today.

Actually you wouldn't. There is no such law that a 6yr old can not play outside on their own. My 7yr old and her friend go off to the park up the street on their own all the time.

[Anonymous]

I would never ASSUME that a playdate would include lunch. I would pack a lunch to send with my child and then him or her eat it at the friend's home when the friend eats their lunch.

I think it is highly RUDE of a parent to pick up their child later than agreed upon. That would be the end of that person's playdates.

And yes, it is inconsiderate to never host a playdate, however perhaps the other child's home is not clean, large enough, not safe, etc.

You just never ever know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

With activities 6 days per week, why add play dates if they're stressful?


Because kids need to figure out how to hang out with a friend, think up activities to do, and resolve disagreements in a less structured environment where they are not being told what to do by an adult every second.

I agree but that means cut back on activities and tell the kids to go bike and play. Organizing their friends is hovering.

I don't know what you mean by "organizing their friends." My son tells me who he wants to invite over for a play date, if anyone. I send the mom an email asking if the kid can come. Since many of his friends can't read too well, it probably wouldn't work for him to do that on his own. He just turned 6, and isn't all that great of a bike rider, so he can't bike to a friend's house yet. There is one boy he is friends with who lives within walking distance, and they can get together more informally, but if he indicates an interest in getting together with other boys, I'm happy to take less than 5 minutes to send the email.

So have your 6yr old call the other boy and ask to come over. Did your parents call other moms for you or tell you to? Parents setting up playdates is hovering and scheduling for your child.

Who is getting these 6 yr olds to/from each other's houses? Do the 6yr olds know everything the family has scheduled for a weekend? Yes, around 6-7 yrs old we started teaching the kids to make the phone call, ask to speak to friend, but at some point in there the phone has to get transferred to the parents to deal w/ logistics. And, often email is just more efficient. Now at 10-11 yrs my kids handle those calls/texts on their own but they still have to clear things with the parents for transportation and scheduling.

No, my mom didn't call kids to set up play time for me but when I was 6 I was allowed to go anywhere in my neighborhood including to the park to see who was hanging out there or could just knock on someone's door. I'd get arrested if I did that today.

Actually you wouldn't. There is no such law that a 6yr old can not play outside on their own. My 7yr old and her friend go off to the park up the street on their own all the time.

Fine, not arrested, but taking a serious risk of being investigated by CPS and risk having my kids held by the police for hours (see recent free-range craziness). In Arlington the official "guidance" (yes, I know it's not the law but I'm not going to risk losing my kids for even a day while I fight CPS over that distinction) is "8 years and under : Should not be left alone for any period of time. This includes leaving children unattended in cars, playgrounds and yards." So, no my 6-7 yr old kid wasn't walking the 6 blocks to our park and if he did he wouldn't find any kids there unless we arranged it ahead of time, which we did, with parents taking turns supervising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never ASSUME that a playdate would include lunch. I would pack a lunch to send with my child and then him or her eat it at the friend's home when the friend eats their lunch.

I think it is highly RUDE of a parent to pick up their child later than agreed upon. That would be the end of that person's playdates.

And yes, it is inconsiderate to never host a playdate, however perhaps the other child's home is not clean, large enough, not safe, etc.

You just never ever know.

I would think it was pretty weird if a child shows up at my house for a scheduled play date with a lunch in a lunch box. I mean, please. I can feed the kids lunch if the scheduled time includes the lunch hour.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what you mean by "organizing their friends." My son tells me who he wants to invite over for a play date, if anyone. I send the mom an email asking if the kid can come. Since many of his friends can't read too well, it probably wouldn't work for him to do that on his own. He just turned 6, and isn't all that great of a bike rider, so he can't bike to a friend's house yet. There is one boy he is friends with who lives within walking distance, and they can get together more informally, but if he indicates an interest in getting together with other boys, I'm happy to take less than 5 minutes to send the email.


So have your 6yr old call the other boy and ask to come over. Did your parents call other moms for you or tell you to? Parents setting up playdates is hovering and scheduling for your child.

Well, if you say so, then I guess that's the final word on it. Yes, my mom did call other moms to set up the play dates I requested when I was in kindergarten, but since you feel it is hovering and scheduling for your child, that must have been what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am dreading this too. Especially since I am an introvert. I hate making small talk with people I don't really know. And now it sounds like if I don't do lots of play dates my kid will become a social outcast.

There doesn't need to be a lot of small talk, certainly at age 5+ we never had parents stay for playdates. Some of my kids' friends' parents have become my friends and so we do sometimes stay to visit with each other while the kids are playing but there are also others where it's just a quick drop-off.

I'm also an introvert and really struggled with learning how to interact with other kids and build good friendships. It didn't help that my mom was also an introvert who'd been pressured by her highly-extroverted mom to be very social so she IMO over-corrected by not doing anything to encourage my social interactions. I hope I've found a happy midpoint. I've gotten to a place where I have a good circle of friends and we encouraged our kids to spend time with kids they express an interest in. For my introverted DD there were several years of playdates with a variety of girls (maybe 1/week when she was in a PT preschool and then 2/mo in early ES) until she settled into two best friends. The three girls now get together nearly every weekend at one of our houses and parents are only consulted for driving and schedule confirmation. DS is more social and still prefer to spend time with a variety of kids but by default spends the most time with a boy on our street.

I think I might be just like your mom, who was the introvert who had been pressured by her highly-extroverted mom to be very social. I may be over-correcting by setting boundaries and ensuring that we have a lot of family "peace and quiet" time, but maybe not encouraging my child's social interactions. Gulp. Parenting is so darn HARD!

[Anonymous]

I would never ASSUME that a playdate would include lunch. I would pack a lunch to send with my child and then him or her eat it at the friend's home when the friend eats their lunch.

I think it is highly RUDE of a parent to pick up their child later than agreed upon. That would be the end of that person's playdates.

And yes, it is inconsiderate to never host a playdate, however perhaps the other child's home is not clean, large enough, not safe, etc.

You just never ever know.


I would think it was pretty weird if a child shows up at my house for a scheduled play date with a lunch in a lunch box. I mean, please. I can feed the kids lunch if the scheduled time includes the lunch hour.

Eh, I'm happy to feed kids that come for play dates, but if a kid is a really picky eater, then I'd rather the parent send a lunch then me have to keep asking to find one of the few things a kid might actually eat. It's fine.