A mother in law who is jealous of me?

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an unhappy woman who makes cutting remarks. You sound like a self-centered woman who requires coddling.

I agree that she isn't being nice, but I suspect her animosity is not just saved for you. I also suspect that you don't give her a lot of warm fuzzier or kudos for her hair, parenting skills, and education.

[Anonymous]

OP, she is insecure. You are younger and doing it better than she did. She doesn't like that. Be nice, but distance yourself, physically. You are not going to win, as far as she is concerned. Let her think she won. You know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she is insecure. You are younger and doing it better than she did. She doesn't like that. Be nice, but distance yourself, physically. You are not going to win, as far as she is concerned. Let her think she won. You know better.

Bingo, good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is me OP and I am kind of baffled by those who say she does not like me which is ironic since she has told my FIL serveral times that I am "her favorite" which kind of means nothing since she does what she does. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. I do not think its that she does not like me.

I think she was always been a very competitive person, a woman 45 years ago in law school was not nearly as commplace as it is today. I think that competition is still alive and well and for whatever reason I think she resents my wanting to get ahead. I think she THINKS that life has been very easy for us but truth is both my H and myself spent many years in school to earn the degrees that we have and to pursue the successful careers that we have been lucky to have.

She had issues with 2 of her 4 kids (though today all are very successful) but there is no doubt to hear it from her that raising 3 wild boys was very trying.

My FIL also is a really strong man but not one to dote overly so on his wife. My H is. I think that is the crux of a lot of her resentment.She both admires and resents how he treats me, we have a great relationship and I think while she is happy for her son she really wishes she had that too.

I think its not so much jealousy as it is resentment, the more I have thought about it. Some asked if she does it to others and the answer is a flat yes, she does it to EVERYONE. Some are not as tolerant as we are and she is on practically non speaking terms with them.

For someone who eluded to the fact that I am "living off my husband" I sold a company my sister and I are started years ago and have plenty of my own wealth, so no that is not the case. She made the comment that I married a rich man as a dig, she knows full well how well I did with the selling of our company.

I will not let or anyone else who obviously has some shortcomings they are grappling with bring me down to be made to feel like I am doing something wrong. I think in posting this I actually answered my own questions and helped myself, so thank you.

Good for you! You don't have to tolerate her comments. Next time she insults you or your children say, "MIL you can apologize for that hurtful remark or you can leave. I'll talk to you again when you're in a better mood."

Rinse and repeat. If she wants company, she'll treat you better.

For the rest of the posters accusing OP of seeking validation, even if that's the case, she still deserves courtesy and respect from her family. If the conversation is about a haircut or sports or going back to school, there's no need for derogatory comments. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Btw you're not going to get empathy here if you mention your wealth, the coveted sports team and the top college all in one post...you must be new to dcum.

I really don't give a crap. That's what it is. And i am sorry if it bothers you! My gosh....the delicacy with which you have to navigate this board borders on the absurd. GROW UP!

I was only explaining the negative responses to your post, not trying to be critical.

[Anonymous]

No here and I don't think your MIL is jealous. I think she could be right about your degree but perhaps could have given you more helpful feedback on how to achieve your career goals. And wrt your daughter and school, perhaps she sees no reason why she could not have gone Ivy considering the position in which she started in life (obviously she is somewhat privileged). In my home town, the prep school for boys had a relationship with a top tier school others only dream of getting into with a 4.0 but acted as their safety net for middle of the road students with decent grades and extracurricular participation. Is that really an accomplishment? It sounds more like a class difference between you and your MIL that she has never accepted. Still not nice, but I wouldn't think of it as jealousy. I would let go of needing her validation and any hope for a relationship. Be a better MIL to your future DIL and be kind if your son (or daughter) brings home someone who started out in a different class.

[Anonymous]

^ NP, not No

[Anonymous]

Was she always this way? Or this bitterness is a sudden development and she's equally mean to other people?
If it is the latter, it might be a telltale sign of a mental illness or a brain tumor.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she's jealous, but she doesn't respect you or your choices. I think she sees you living vicariously through your kids' achievements while mooching off your husband. That comes through in her comment about your degree - she's dismissive because she sees it as a waste of time and resources since you will never use the degree (in her opinion). Based on the details you shared, I wonder if you are the favorite due to your prior career success (successful business that you sold).

I'm not saying her perception is true, but she's not jealous, she's judgy and shallow. She's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own mom is bitchy like that (MIL is a whole different flavor of crazy, but more or less benign). In her case, it's a lot more complicated than simple jealousy -- I think she feels rejected when we make choices that are different than what she made, and I think that there's a huge part of her that would like to live vicariously through us, so she gets pissed when we do things that she doesn't feel are worth bragging about at the country club. There's some envy, too -- we're a lot more financially stable than my parents were when they were raising kids -- but it's retroactive envy. They're financially just fine now.

Think both of these points are VERY COMMON. We think because they are of a "certain age" that they cannot possibly act this immature but yes that is what it is!

This is my MIL! I haven't thought of it in those terms, but she's really resentful when we don't take her financial advice. My inlaws are in massive debt bc they chase get-rich-quick schemes. We prefer to "get rich" by spending less money than we make. She thinks we're snobs. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

She sounds a few things. A. Resentful of how things have seemed to come easy for both of you.

B. She sees you pursing your academic dreams AND having the comfort of being wealthy. That is a big perk, and one she might not have had. She might have been pursuing her law degree because that was her ONLY way of getting ahead.

C. Your husband treats you very well and hers is not as kindhearted (more or less). She no doubt must be proud of her son but jealous even if a little that you are on the receiving end not her

D. She overall probably feels like you are very privileged and possibly compares her earlier struggles with your seemingly easy life...we all know its not always as it seems though

I would consider a sit down heart to heart if you feel comfortable or have your husband do it. If she still chooses to act that way it is her prerogative but at least you know you have put it out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is me OP and I am kind of baffled by those who say she does not like me which is ironic since she has told my FIL serveral times that I am "her favorite" which kind of means nothing since she does what she does. Her actions are speaking louder than her words. I do not think its that she does not like me.

I think she was always been a very competitive person, a woman 45 years ago in law school was not nearly as commplace as it is today. I think that competition is still alive and well and for whatever reason I think she resents my wanting to get ahead. I think she THINKS that life has been very easy for us but truth is both my H and myself spent many years in school to earn the degrees that we have and to pursue the successful careers that we have been lucky to have.

She had issues with 2 of her 4 kids (though today all are very successful) but there is no doubt to hear it from her that raising 3 wild boys was very trying.

My FIL also is a really strong man but not one to dote overly so on his wife. My H is. I think that is the crux of a lot of her resentment.She both admires and resents how he treats me, we have a great relationship and I think while she is happy for her son she really wishes she had that too.

I think its not so much jealousy as it is resentment, the more I have thought about it. Some asked if she does it to others and the answer is a flat yes, she does it to EVERYONE. Some are not as tolerant as we are and she is on practically non speaking terms with them.

For someone who eluded to the fact that I am "living off my husband" I sold a company my sister and I are started years ago and have plenty of my own wealth, so no that is not the case. She made the comment that I married a rich man as a dig, she knows full well how well I did with the selling of our company.

I will not let or anyone else who obviously has some shortcomings they are grappling with bring me down to be made to feel like I am doing something wrong. I think in posting this I actually answered my own questions and helped myself, so thank you.

Ding ding ding! DH needs to have a conversation with her about inappropriate comments. Neither of you should tolerate digs. Start calling her out on rude comments. If she continues, distance yourself. Since I started calling out MIL on her rude comments to DH, she watches her words more carefully. As a result, she's more welcome in our home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she is insecure. You are younger and doing it better than she did. She doesn't like that. Be nice, but distance yourself, physically. You are not going to win, as far as she is concerned. Let her think she won. You know better.

But OP will be old like MIL one day. So what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you sound deranged.

+1

Your husband married his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you sound deranged.

No she doesn't I completely get what she is saying. Troll