DD roleplays with a mommy and daddy even though she has 2 moms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Its funny how hateful some people can be when everything is anonymous.

We dont belong to rainbow families but I will look into it. We belong to a LGBT parents group on meetup, They are not super active but do do a few activities/outings throughout the year, not much over the last few ( cold) months though.

Thank you to the supportive PP's.

She's playing and has been exposed [real life, books, media] to all combos: mom/dad and mom/mom and dad/dad. Don't worry and just enjoy playing with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations, your daughter is normal. Literally every child on earth has a biological mother and a biological father, even your daughter. That is how babies are made. It is normal and healthy for kids to understand that and playact it.

You can raise her to be accepting of her circumstances, and those of other kids who are missing one or both of their biological parents. You can raise her to love and appreciate her adoptive parent or parents. But the fact that you are are a grown adult trying to brainwash her into believing she actually HAS "two moms" and that having "two moms" is a normal and natural thing is more likely to confuse the hell out of her than playing house with Ken and Barbie.

I would really like to know why you would come on this forum and write such a thing? There are many types of families and as long as the child is loved and cared for, what does it matter the configuration? I feel sad to think this child will face confusion, but not because of her moms, but because of narrow-minded people like you. You should spend some time reflecting on where your unnecessary hatred comes from. If you really care about children and their happiness, find a way to embrace others who are different from you.

NP here. I think you are over-reacting, and seeing "hatred" where someone else is seeing something straightforward. There are many types of families, and they are all completely valid, I agree with you. But I think we should recognize that every child has a biological mother and a biological father, and this is where we come from. By acting as if this is not "how children are made," you deny that child their rightful father and mother, and there is something deeply unsettling and wrong about that. Now, there are your birth parents, and there is your family, and they may be completely different. But don't try to deny that the world goes around because men and women make babies.

Exactly. I am the PP who posted the "every child has a bio mom and dad" post. I did not mean it hatefully. I just wish people would consider the deeply primal need of all children to understand where they came from. We would look aghast at adoptive parents who tried to tell a child that their biological parentage was insignificant because they, the adoptive parents, are the REAL parents -- or worse yet, concealed a child's status as an adoptee entirely. But we make all these brain-bending exceptions for gay parents and parents who rely on sperm/egg donors or surrogates, in the interest of furthering the idea that "love makes a family."

Love DOES make a family. But we don't need to downplay the significance of our biological origins in order to make that more true. That's not in the best interest of the children, who deserve to know the truth about where they came from.

Do you actually know any gay families with children? They discuss "where did I come from" questions at the time they arise, just like straight-parented families do.

NONE of them have "downplayed" their biological origins. But the children understand that they have two moms, or two dads. Because those are the parents raising them.

Really. Children are capable of understanding "where they came from" even it is isn't the hetero mom-and-dad model. And it doesn't bother or confuse them.

Seriously, I think the RAMPANT ignorance on this thread must be a result of lack of exposure. I just moved here from twenty years in the Bay Area, and gay-parented families are everywhere, and they're just as "regular" and boring as any other family. And their kids are fine.

I know several gay couples with children (some of couples are my peers, and some of the children of the couples are my peers). In every single case, the children are the products of one parent's previous heterosexual relationship. I don't know how common this is statistically compared to gay couples who adopt or use ART; these are just the families I've run into in my own life. Some of their kids are fine, some are not -- a lot depends on how the parents (all of them -- bio, step, adoptive, whatever) handled things. Their issues are obviously a lot different than those of kids who never knew one or more of their biological parents, though.

My children are young adults. The most problematic teens [promiscuity, drugs, etc] were those from parents who were unstable or enabler friends or rather "cool" and wild for their age after divorce or as single parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Another new poster, and I agree with you. I don't see hatred in pp's post either. My ds recently asked me some questions about gay people and gay families and it wasn't easy to explain or answer all of his questions, but I think I did ok answering what he asked me. One of the things he asked was if it was "normal" for a family to have two dads or two moms and I had to think carefully before answering him, because my answer was "no", but I didn't want him to think he shouldn't be accepting and respectful towards that idea either. Same thing when he asked me if it was a bad word to say "gay". I told him that if you are using it to insult somebody, yes, it's a bad word, but if you are using it to describe a person that is gay then no.

I could possibly see the answer being "no" if the question were is this common or typical, but normal?

nor·mal nôrm?l

adjective
conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
synonyms: usual, standard, ordinary, customary, conventional, habitual, accustomed, expected, wonted; More
antonyms: unusual

noun: normal; plural noun: normals
the usual, average, or typical state or condition.

Now look up the words connotation and denotation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations, your daughter is normal. Literally every child on earth has a biological mother and a biological father, even your daughter. That is how babies are made. It is normal and healthy for kids to understand that and playact it.

You can raise her to be accepting of her circumstances, and those of other kids who are missing one or both of their biological parents. You can raise her to love and appreciate her adoptive parent or parents. But the fact that you are are a grown adult trying to brainwash her into believing she actually HAS "two moms" and that having "two moms" is a normal and natural thing is more likely to confuse the hell out of her than playing house with Ken and Barbie.

I would really like to know why you would come on this forum and write such a thing? There are many types of families and as long as the child is loved and cared for, what does it matter the configuration? I feel sad to think this child will face confusion, but not because of her moms, but because of narrow-minded people like you. You should spend some time reflecting on where your unnecessary hatred comes from. If you really care about children and their happiness, find a way to embrace others who are different from you.

NP here. I think you are over-reacting, and seeing "hatred" where someone else is seeing something straightforward. There are many types of families, and they are all completely valid, I agree with you. But I think we should recognize that every child has a biological mother and a biological father, and this is where we come from. By acting as if this is not "how children are made," you deny that child their rightful father and mother, and there is something deeply unsettling and wrong about that. Now, there are your birth parents, and there is your family, and they may be completely different. But don't try to deny that the world goes around because men and women make babies.

Another new poster, and I agree with you. I don't see hatred in pp's post either. My ds recently asked me some questions about gay people and gay families and it wasn't easy to explain or answer all of his questions, but I think I did ok answering what he asked me. One of the things he asked was if it was "normal" for a family to have two dads or two moms and I had to think carefully before answering him, because my answer was "no", but I didn't want him to think he shouldn't be accepting and respectful towards that idea either. Same thing when he asked me if it was a bad word to say "gay". I told him that if you are using it to insult somebody, yes, it's a bad word, but if you are using it to describe a person that is gay then no.

I could possibly see the answer being "no" if the question were is this common or typical, but normal?

He's 9. Normal/common/typical mean the same thing to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your daughter is straight and is playing house the way SHE thinks it's right. Nothing wrong with that.

And maybe you're an asshole. Shoo.

How exactly does this make pp an asshole? Maybe it could have been worded better, but she's got a point. I believe that we are born straight or gay. If the daughter was born straight, she will probably always use male/female relationship in her pretend play.

OP probably came from a household with a mom and dad, but her pretend play likely involved 2 moms. When kids play house, they are not pretending to be their own parents or the parents they wish they had. They are pretending to have the family THEY dream of having as a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Its funny how hateful some people can be when everything is anonymous.

We dont belong to rainbow families but I will look into it. We belong to a LGBT parents group on meetup, They are not super active but do do a few activities/outings throughout the year, not much over the last few ( cold) months though.

Thank you to the supportive PP's.

She's playing and has been exposed [real life, books, media] to all combos: mom/dad and mom/mom and dad/dad. Don't worry and just enjoy playing with your child.

I agree with this. I am a single (queer) parent and I was a little embarrassed when my daughter would call all men Daddy for a little while there. But children see and absorb a lot just from other families in day care. Your child probably see moms and dad picking up their kids or both. It sounds like you are ok now PP, hope so.

[Anonymous]

My DC, who has a mom and a dad, always role plays with two daddies. I'm not concerned per se. I know he favors his dad at this point, and he'd probably prefer two daddies, I chalk it up to that. She could be in a phase, she could be acting this way because the other kids talk about having a mommy and a daddy, I wouldn't be too concerned yet.

[Anonymous]

OP, the reality is that MOST children have a mommy and a daddy. That's not a slight, it's just a fact. So your child will grow up knowing that, although there is nothing wrong with having two mommies, that her situation is different from most kids. Children's pretend play is a way for them to make sense of the world and understand roles. It's not a referendum on her feelings for you or your partner or her security in your family relationship.

FWIW, my almost 6 year old freqently calls DH and me "daddy-mommy" or "mommy-daddy," interchangeably. I think it is sweet and an indicator of how strongly attached he is to both of us. Kids don't think about these things the same way that we do as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, the pp said OP's child doesn't have two moms and that OP is trying to brain wash her child into thinking that she does. If you're going to shit on someone else's family, at least have the courage to own your bigotry. A child's parents are the ones who actually parent her, like OP and her wife.

I'm pretty sure the gay and lesbian parents on this thread are fine with their kids knowing that their families are less common than mom-dad families. We just don't want anyone telling us we're less than other families, and saying only one mom in a couple is actually a mom is a jerky thing to do.

The kid can have two moms, but at least one is going to be an adoptive mom. That is reality. A person can only have one biological mother and one biological father, barring unnatural technological intervention. There's nothing hateful about saying that.

Time out. There's nothing hateful about stating fact, that's true, but it bears mentioning that in the adoption triad the adoptive parents ARE THE PARENTS. So if an adopted child has two adoptive moms, they are both a mom. No one said they are BIOLOGICAL MOMS, and I very much doubt OP and her partner are trying to "brainwash" their child into believing that two women can create a biological child. But two women are certainly capable of parenting a child together.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be concerned or automatically jump to the conclusion that daycare is trying to teach her something. Kids have imaginations and often their imaginary play revolves around what is around them and their experiences. She may not even connect "mom" with female and "dad" with male right now.

She knows/will learn that families come in all shapes sizes and varieties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's daughter now almost two has started calling her other mommy (the birth mother's wife) "Daddy." She has never been in day care, never watched TV socializes with families of every possible configuration, and has never been guided in what to call her other mother. She came up with "Daddy" entirely on her own.

That said, I think to her "Daddy" simply means "loving parent" not "loving parent with a penis."

Given your example of the two Ken dolls, I wonder if it's not about gender at all. As this PP said, it's more about identifying two loving parents, one you call mommy and one you call daddy.

[Anonymous]

Coming in late to this can of worms. All the bigotry aside OP, I would say don't worry, its just play that's all it is.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, the pp said OP's child doesn't have two moms and that OP is trying to brain wash her child into thinking that she does. If you're going to shit on someone else's family, at least have the courage to own your bigotry. A child's parents are the ones who actually parent her, like OP and her wife.

I'm pretty sure the gay and lesbian parents on this thread are fine with their kids knowing that their families are less common than mom-dad families. We just don't want anyone telling us we're less than other families, and saying only one mom in a couple is actually a mom is a jerky thing to do.

The kid can have two moms, but at least one is going to be an adoptive mom. That is reality. A person can only have one biological mother and one biological father, barring unnatural technological intervention. There's nothing hateful about saying that.

Time out. There's nothing hateful about stating fact, that's true, but it bears mentioning that in the adoption triad the adoptive parents ARE THE PARENTS. So if an adopted child has two adoptive moms, they are both a mom. No one said they are BIOLOGICAL MOMS, and I very much doubt OP and her partner are trying to "brainwash" their child into believing that two women can create a biological child. But two women are certainly capable of parenting a child together.

Meanwhile, the kid is thinking "where the hell is my daddy?". Yes, the child is loved and well cared for, no doubt. But it doesn't take away a normal biological urge to have a mother and a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, the pp said OP's child doesn't have two moms and that OP is trying to brain wash her child into thinking that she does. If you're going to shit on someone else's family, at least have the courage to own your bigotry. A child's parents are the ones who actually parent her, like OP and her wife.

I'm pretty sure the gay and lesbian parents on this thread are fine with their kids knowing that their families are less common than mom-dad families. We just don't want anyone telling us we're less than other families, and saying only one mom in a couple is actually a mom is a jerky thing to do.

The kid can have two moms, but at least one is going to be an adoptive mom. That is reality. A person can only have one biological mother and one biological father, barring unnatural technological intervention. There's nothing hateful about saying that.

An adoptive mom is a mom.

To say otherwise is indeed hateful.

Use of terms such as "brainwash" is also hateful.

And so is the child's biological mother a mom. I have two adopted children who realize they have a biological mother and father. Their bio family is very important to them, despite the fact they barely remember them and will never see them again in their lives, and despite the fact that they've integrated beautifully into our family. But I don't kid myself, it's not "normal" and I expect there to be some type of fallout as we journey through life.

Adoption doesn't magically erase the reality of children born from one set of parents, being raised by other people. Some adoptive children do in fact mourn their biological family, and I could imagine it to be an added burden if they are raised being told that having two mothers is completely normal and they should never have any feelings to the contrary.

[Anonymous]

http://time.com/3591124/pope-francis-father-mother-gay-lgbt-catholic-church/