I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I will look into having someone coming weekly even if only a few hours so she can get used to the same person. I do have a couple of people who I call to stay with her (and sometimes the kids) when we go out as a family or date night, but those people while wonderful, have other jobs and couldn't stay for a whole week.

I also want to clarify that while taking care of MIL is a chore in itself, it is not hard to be honest. I am not exaggerating when I say she sleeps 90% of the time and when she is awake is because I wake her up to feed her, take to the bathroom, put to bed, etc. Her doctor said it is normal at her age and to let her be.


But yes, she is doing so much better now since she moved in. She is calm and docile, as before she was very "difficult" to put it mildly. She is also clean and smell good… also no more falls or UTIs.

If it's easy, then maybe you stay home and have DH take both kids. You'll get a little vacation.

[Anonymous]

Seems like OP could really use a break out of the house though.

If its so easy, her DH should have no problem dealing with his mom and his infant.

[Anonymous]

Why can't your husband relieve you for a few weeks for the family leave act? Financially could you guys skip a paycheck once a year? Does your husband work for a large employer? I think you mentioned where you work but I forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sell his mom on Craigslist.

For how much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - From my experience, you need to take life one day at a time at this point. You have no idea how long MIL will live, or if your DH would refuse to do family vacations a year or two down the road. This must be very difficult on you and your young family. Caring for a sick parent is never easy. Never.
Go with the flow now. Let DH take your son and you sit this one out, as you said. As things come up, discuss them. At some point, when you aren’t as resentful, have a discussion about family vacations with DH. But know, that everything can change in a flash. That is the way life is.

This sounds like do as your DH asks, let him take advantage of you and just put up and shut up until she dies.

Not at all. I am old enough and have been married long enough (34 years) to know that a good marriage is about give and take. Partners compromise. Sometimes, you do what needs to be done, not because you are “giving in” but because it is what is best for all.
The OP said herself that he DH has been supportive in the past when she does things with the children (I believe she was speaking about the older child in particular). Remember, that we are hearing one side of the story here. Anyone that thinks her DH is unreasonable or that she is being a “slave” is being very judgmental - you simply do not know the whole story.
I cared for sick parents before they passed away. My DH and I actually shared this responsibility, but I was the one who did most of the work. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was hard, physically and emotionally, but it was something I was better at than DH. He takes on other responsibilities that HE is better at.
It is not about one spouse taking advantage of the other. It is about communication and compromise. THAT is what makes a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again: I will look into having someone coming weekly even if only a few hours so she can get used to the same person. I do have a couple of people who I call to stay with her (and sometimes the kids) when we go out as a family or date night, but those people while wonderful, have other jobs and couldn't stay for a whole week.

I also want to clarify that while taking care of MIL is a chore in itself, it is not hard to be honest. I am not exaggerating when I say she sleeps 90% of the time and when she is awake is because I wake her up to feed her, take to the bathroom, put to bed, etc. Her doctor said it is normal at her age and to let her be.


But yes, she is doing so much better now since she moved in. She is calm and docile, as before she was very "difficult" to put it mildly. She is also clean and smell good… also no more falls or UTIs.

I'm glad OP. You and your DH still may need some time to yourselves or with your children. Look at care.com or at one of the many companies which provide at home care aides for the elderly and disabled. My FIL has someone come in 4 hours a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sell his mom on Craigslist.

For how much?

which category?

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. I'm a single mom and when in the exact same situation - can't take two kids on a ride - I bring my mother in law, sister, cousin, friend or other family member on vacation with us, at my cost. I realize you can't get help from his mom or your deceased mom

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no.

[Anonymous]

OP-
To me, the vacation really isn't the issue.

The issue here is that you have two small children who will grow up before you know it and indoor think it's fair to them to have their sick grandmother living with them when you are her primary caregiver. This is about them. My mom was one of 8, but her elderly mom spent a lot of time loving with us when I was young. She died at 98 when I was in 5th grade. When she was with us, it was very hard for my mom to take us to our activities, etc because she couldn't leave her mom for very long. Your boys soon will have a lot of activities, as well.

It was also very hard on my parent'a marriage.

My advice is to find a better respite care for her. You can't go on living like this.

This is beyond the call of duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-
To me, the vacation really isn't the issue.

The issue here is that you have two small children who will grow up before you know it and indoor think it's fair to them to have their sick grandmother living with them when you are her primary caregiver. This is about them. My mom was one of 8, but her elderly mom spent a lot of time loving with us when I was young. She died at 98 when I was in 5th grade. When she was with us, it was very hard for my mom to take us to our activities, etc because she couldn't leave her mom for very long. Your boys soon will have a lot of activities, as well.

It was also very hard on my parent'a marriage.

My advice is to find a better respite care for her. You can't go on living like this.

This is beyond the call of duty.

OP again. I don't know about your circumstances when you were a child, but my preschooler has plenty of extra curricular activities outside of preschool. If anything, I think he is a little over scheduled

In out day to day life the only HUGE change (besides the care for her in itself) is that now we can't just go out as a family (say, to have brunch or go apple picking) without calling someone before to come stay with her; but so far I never had any problem finding someone available.

As an update, I found someone that I trust to come and stay with her for this mini vacation BUT my husband thinks it would be nice for him to go alone with preschooler so I will just let them go alone. I can just stay home and take this opportunity to have one on one time with the baby for extra bonding

[Anonymous]

How about DHL stays home with mom and baby, you and big kid go? If he expects you to be able to handle it he should be able to as well.

[Anonymous]

Do the research on getting 24 hour care. Tell husband what you found, give him a choice of you all go together and hire care or you go with preschooler and he takes care of infant and his mother while you are away.

[Anonymous]

I think a long weekend will do. This is what DH's vacation time is for. It's not like you're going on any other vacations, right?

[Anonymous]

The compromise might be the legoland doesn't seem a "week" vacation. Long weekend at best.