I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 young children and the preschooler's "dream" is to visit Legoland. I think he is at a prime age to go and would like to take him this year. I take care of my MIL who moved in with us after a few years in a nursing home, because my husband (only child) was not happy about the quality of care, was feeling guilty. I was not happy but I supported him because I would want to do the same for my mother in the same situation (already dead).

Anyway, I can't go by myself with preschooler because I would also have to bring the baby and I can't imagine how I would go on the rides with my older one. Husband doesn't want to put his mother in a nursing home for respite care because he feels she got in a nice schedule now and is doing really well - he doesn't want to mess it up. So he suggested he take our preschooler by himself and I stay home with his mother and our infant.

In one hand, I think this time could be great for father/son bonding, and a great memory. Besides, I have traveled with him (child) MANY times by myself and husband was always supportive. On the other hand, I can't help but feel resentful, if nothing else, because I am worried how this situation will play in the future. Are we never to take family vacations anymore while his mother is alive? I don't know what he is thinking because he says he needs time to consider the options.

Anyway, I am feeling very resentful right now.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire a nurse for the time you are away?

[Anonymous]

How about at-home care for MIL? You may be able to find someone on care.com etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a nurse for the time you are away?

That was one of the options I presented but he kind of didn't consider it. I am really surprised by this…. I have no idea of what is going through his head right now.

[Anonymous]

There must be another way. Another relative can't come to stay?

[Anonymous]

Did you discuss the "whole family vacation" topic before MIL moved in?

Do you have some idea as to how long she still has to live?

I agree that if family vacations are essential for you in the near future, then a nurse at home would be the best solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you hire a nurse for the time you are away?

That was one of the options I presented but he kind of didn't consider it. I am really surprised by this…. I have no idea of what is going through his head right now.

Ha ha. Right. MAKE him consider it. That would never fly in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There must be another way. Another relative can't come to stay?

There is no one else! I will look into having someone come here and just present it to him.

[Anonymous]

op again. You know, I am sure that in the end he will come to his senses because the idea that we will forego family vacations while she is alive is absurd. It just maddens me that I even have to "talk he into" this. It should be a given.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on her diagnoses. If she has Alzheimer's or other dementia, it could be really traumatic for her to have a change of schedule/ scenery/ caregiver if she's used to what she has. If she has mainly physical impairments and not mental, she should understand that you guys need to take a weekend once in a while and have to use respite care.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he is lucky you are taking care of her. Tell him if vacations are off the table, then she goes back to the nursing home, permanently.

[Anonymous]

Bring a friend with you to hold the baby while you do some rides. Leave dh home with his mom

[Anonymous]

Think about your own 'respite care' and plan a girls weekend away while DH cares for his mother and the two children. That should clue him in to what he's asking of you by taking one child away to Legoland. Caregiving is exhausting and takes a toll on the caregiver. Find a back-up for yourself asap! If not for this trip, then for when you get the flu, or any child gets sick. Or for when you just need a week off. He's asking a lot of you. Ask for some back.

[Anonymous]

I suggest you take the long view. This is one vacation and he will owe you one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on her diagnoses. If she has Alzheimer's or other dementia, it could be really traumatic for her to have a change of schedule/ scenery/ caregiver if she's used to what she has. If she has mainly physical impairments and not mental, she should understand that you guys need to take a weekend once in a while and have to use respite care.

She has dementia. But still, I can't be expected to to live like this for god knows how long….Also, I want my children to have FAMILY vacations.

But I will sit this trip out.