I am feeling resentful and jealous, but mostly RESENTFUL.

[Anonymous]

This trip aside, I think you need to find an arrangement that works for both of you.

You are making a huge sacrifice to care for his mother. I think finding a caregiver that can offer you relief for daily things and for larger things like family vacations would be beneficial for everyone. Resentment just builds so I would try to find a solution before it gets beyond you.

I would look for a caregiver, not for this trip, but to have around some days depending on what works with your financial and family schedule. Maybe someone can come 2 days a week to help so she gets to know them and used to them and for the first few months always while you are home. This gives you the opportunity to consider family vacations down the road, breaks for yourself, etc.
Obviously, your DH isn't receptive to this idea but you need to calmly explain why this is important for you. Asking you to take full time care of an infant, toddler and elderly dementia patient is a lot to ask of anyone. It's hard to tell from your post but it doesn't sound like your DH appreciates how much he is asking of you and how much you are taking on. A part time caregiver is a wonderful compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - From my experience, you need to take life one day at a time at this point. You have no idea how long MIL will live, or if your DH would refuse to do family vacations a year or two down the road. This must be very difficult on you and your young family. Caring for a sick parent is never easy. Never.
Go with the flow now. Let DH take your son and you sit this one out, as you said. As things come up, discuss them. At some point, when you aren’t as resentful, have a discussion about family vacations with DH. But know, that everything can change in a flash. That is the way life is.

This sounds like do as your DH asks, let him take advantage of you and just put up and shut up until she dies.

[Anonymous]

You have to put your foot down OP and make it clear that hiring home care is a reasonable thing to do. Your children deserve some special vacation memories as a family and saddling you with your MIL care 100% will prevent that...period. That is no sustainable. And unless your infant is breast feeding, why can't you be the one to go to legoland and he stays home to care for his mother. I would be very resentful, OP. It seems to me that your husband doesn't recognize what a load you've taken on out of love and obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uh - no way, you go to Legoland w/ the older child and let DH stay home w/ the baby and his mom. His idea to take the child himself is ludicrous.

i

+10000! oP, why isn't this the plan?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to ask a tactless question, OP, but is your husband adverse to professional care for his mother because he doesn't trust it or because he's trying to save as much of her estate as possible? Because I can't imagine not being willing to pay for some professional care to take some of the pressure off my dear wife and ensuring that my children have family vacation memories. I suspect greed has a role in all of this and if that's true call it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring a friend with you to hold the baby while you do some rides. Leave dh home with his mom

Yes. Subsidize the friend's trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Uh - no way, you go to Legoland w/ the older child and let DH stay home w/ the baby and his mom. His idea to take the child himself is ludicrous.

i

+10000! oP, why isn't this the plan?

This was my first thought as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, he is lucky you are taking care of her. Tell him if vacations are off the table, then she goes back to the nursing home, permanently.

This. Do you enjoy being his slave?

[Anonymous]

OP - You are basically the main caregiver to three people and MIL should be 3rd on yours list. If she has any kind of dementia, her needs are only going to increase, and it would be best to find an agency or caregiver service you both become comfortable with. I would agree with all who said that you need to have regular built in breaks of at least parts of two days a week preferable while the older son is in preschool so you might enjoy your baby and get out with friends who have a kid his age and also to be able to visit son's preschool at times or special events there.

The other thing I would mention is that you need help with some of the personal care MIL may be needing now which can often be physically labor intensive. You may not realize how much caring for two young kids can even take on your body. Also, does DH have assigned time and tasks to do with your kids and with Mother? There is no reason why he can't spend time with her on the weekends and take her for a walk or whatever you do. You and DH also need to find a way to get out once in a while, too, even if it is a woman for MIL and a teen for the kids. If MIL has money ,use her funds for respite.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband need to talk about this situation. Once my grandmother moved in with my family we never took another family vacation again. Someone had to be with her at all times.

In general, you and your DH need to look at hiring some help to come in and provide some respite care. There are plenty of agencies of caregivers who do this in the area. It might be better to get your MIL used to another caregiver (or several) on a regular schedule, just to give you a break.

I would never have my mother or any elderly relative living with me, if I had kids, after having to grow up with one living with us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why your DH won't stay with his mom and the baby so you can have an outing with the preschooler. Why is that not an option, OP?

(The bigger issue about family vacations is a bigger issue, but I join other PP's in wondering why this is not an option.)

Well, it is an option but it would feel like a waste of vacation time. He only gets 2 weeks per year and take one week off to stay at home with baby and his mother seems wasteful.

Preschooler is 5 and this is the last year before K when he can go anytime besides summer or school breaks. Baby would be 10 months by the time of the trip. (OP here)

[Anonymous]

OP again: I will look into having someone coming weekly even if only a few hours so she can get used to the same person. I do have a couple of people who I call to stay with her (and sometimes the kids) when we go out as a family or date night, but those people while wonderful, have other jobs and couldn't stay for a whole week.

I also want to clarify that while taking care of MIL is a chore in itself, it is not hard to be honest. I am not exaggerating when I say she sleeps 90% of the time and when she is awake is because I wake her up to feed her, take to the bathroom, put to bed, etc. Her doctor said it is normal at her age and to let her be.


But yes, she is doing so much better now since she moved in. She is calm and docile, as before she was very "difficult" to put it mildly. She is also clean and smell good… also no more falls or UTIs.

[Anonymous]

I think DH is actually being reasonable in that OP says she travels alone w DC often. Maybe its DHs turn?

Then yes, a conversation or two about other ways to handle this moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Husband stays home with baby and MIL. You go to Legoland with yiur older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why your DH won't stay with his mom and the baby so you can have an outing with the preschooler. Why is that not an option, OP?

(The bigger issue about family vacations is a bigger issue, but I join other PP's in wondering why this is not an option.)

Well, it is an option but it would feel like a waste of vacation time. He only gets 2 weeks per year and take one week off to stay at home with baby and his mother seems wasteful.

Preschooler is 5 and this is the last year before K when he can go anytime besides summer or school breaks. Baby would be 10 months by the time of the trip. (OP here)

Who only gets 2 weeks vacation time? No sick days?

You could just go for a weekend and part of a week. Then he would only burn 2 or 3 weekdays off.

Where did OP say she travelled often with her preschooler?