What's better for the kids - bad marriage or divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend and his wife recently separated (with the intent to divorce) and I was very much against it in the beginning. They have two daughters (9 and 4) and I was very worried about how it would affect the children. I figured the 9 yo would be absolutely destroyed and talked to him a lot about ways they could work it out for kids. In their case, they had been in therapy for years, even before the second child was born, so they really did try for years to make it work.

Fast forward a few months and everyone is doing well. The girls seem happy and adjusted to their new normal and the parents get along well with no fighting. My friend has also become a MUCH better father as a result of the divorce. He was incedibly unhappy in his marriage and would avoid being around his wife as much as possible, which meant they never did anything as a family for fun. Now that he is with his kids on his own 50% of the week, he's very attentive and they have a much better relationship with him because he is a happier person. It really shows--his depression over his marriage had slowly turned him into a person who I didn't even recognize anymore. Now, I can finally see the "old" him again--the guy who I became instant friends with 20 years ago.

I'm not saying that this is the norm or that you should walk away OP but just giving you an example of a situation where divorce (at least for right now), seems to have been the right move. I just hope this lasts for the long haul.

I truly believe A LOT of people use the kids as an excuse for not getting a divorced. When truly they are just afraid of what divorce will mean to their time, their happiness, their bank account, and how the future will be without DW/DH. So they sit back and say "Oh divorce is not good for the kids....they will be crushed". But you can find story after story or kids being just fine....showing no signs of it traumatizing them. Kids aren't as complex as we make them out to be.

After my split, my DS (7) had no issues at all. "OH daddy is living in a new house and I get a new room?....COOL". That was it.

[Anonymous]

There will never be a consensus on this question because every marriage and every divorce are different. Divorces can be civil, well orchestrated, and pretty non-dramatic AND they can be ball-breaking, nasty, chaotic nightmares. Can you guess which one will be easier on the kids? Marriages are different, too. Watching a parent be abused physically or battered emotionally will also be traumatic on the kids.

There are ways to minimize the impact of divorce on kids, but it requires both adults to really work together. This is not possible in all cases. I divorced because of some spectacular cheating issues (pretty off the wall stuff done by my ex). I kept that all from my kids -- and never once talked bad about their dad in front of them. The divorce was pretty contentious and there was some pretty high drama around dissipation of assets by my ex. Nonetheless, the kids were unaware of all of those things (age 8-13).

I could have turned the kids against their dad pretty easily. His behavior was pretty deplorable. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I'd have kids that grew up resenting their dad and then when they got older, they'd probably resent me for turning them against their dad. That's a sure way to mess them up forever. Instead, I encourage them to have a positive relationship with their dad and his new girlfriend. I have moved on with my life and am happy, too.

Good luck. There are no easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There will never be a consensus on this question because every marriage and every divorce are different. Divorces can be civil, well orchestrated, and pretty non-dramatic AND they can be ball-breaking, nasty, chaotic nightmares. Can you guess which one will be easier on the kids? Marriages are different, too. Watching a parent be abused physically or battered emotionally will also be traumatic on the kids.

There are ways to minimize the impact of divorce on kids, but it requires both adults to really work together. This is not possible in all cases. I divorced because of some spectacular cheating issues (pretty off the wall stuff done by my ex). I kept that all from my kids -- and never once talked bad about their dad in front of them. The divorce was pretty contentious and there was some pretty high drama around dissipation of assets by my ex. Nonetheless, the kids were unaware of all of those things (age 8-13).

I could have turned the kids against their dad pretty easily. His behavior was pretty deplorable. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I'd have kids that grew up resenting their dad and then when they got older, they'd probably resent me for turning them against their dad. That's a sure way to mess them up forever. Instead, I encourage them to have a positive relationship with their dad and his new girlfriend. I have moved on with my life and am happy, too.

Good luck. There are no easy answers.

You did it right.

My father did the same. Never said a bad word about my mother. Always taught us to respect my mother. If we talked bad about her, he'd get very upset. They never argued in front of us. If we asked about the divorce, he'd say when we were adults, he'd be happy to talk about it. He is the exact reason I am how I am/was with my ex. My DS has no clue why we are no longer together and he has never seen me argue with his mother or say anything negative about her.