What's better for the kids - bad marriage or divorce?

[Anonymous]

I come from a divorced family and I would say divorce is better, especially if it's not a huge economic hardship at first. No question.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced now while your little girls are still young. I wish my parents had gotten divorced -- growing up in a tension filled home where one parent I loved yelled at the other parent I loved was fricking hell. If you think your three-year-old doesn't see the tears in Mommy's eyes you are blind.

Get divorced. You have already failed at giving your daughters a happy home as a family - try to give them happy homes as single parents.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP above - if you cannot control yourself enough to NOT argue in front of your children then get divorced now.

[Egm80]

If you are interested in data and not just anecdotes, there is a book on this called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that followed children of divorce (and the divorcees) after 25 years. It is worth a read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Honestly OP, every marriage with two small kids is kind of shitty. Don't make a permanent decision on a temporary situation. Stop fighting in front of the kids and try to ride this out till the kids are a couple of years older and less needy. remember this too. You may not want your husband but soemoen else will. Coparenting with an ex is bad enough, but do you want to co parent with ex AND his new wife for the next fifteen years? Work it out.

It's funny this person mentioned this advice, because it's what we hear all the time when dealing with our babies' sleep issues, right? This just reminded me how it's good advice overall. (FWIW, my husband and I are currently "re-evaluating" our shitty relationship too, so I feel your pain, in your words and between the lines.)

[Anonymous]

Not all counceling is created equally. Not all councelors are good and one type of counceling doesn't work for all types of people. Also, many people say "We're in counceling" as a means to take no action. My advice would be to take whatever time and money you're putting into counceling and do something fun. Go out for ice cream, see a movie, go for a walk, learn something about each other's interests/hobbies. You've already got money and blocks of time set aside and if counceling isn't helping, reallocate the allocated blocks of time and money. If you do decide to divorce, realize a few things. It too costs time and money. Your spouse will meet a girlfriend who will be involved with your kids. You may or may not like this person. However you feel, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. Realize that your spouse can do whatever he or she wants during their time with the kid. If they want to let your kid play video games nonstop and your kid is a bastard after playing video games, tough. If your spouse decides they are interested in guns, they can teach your kid how to shoot and there is nothing you can do to stop it. If you want to stay home with your kids, now or in the future, it will be impossible to do so finantially. I think you guys can work this out assuming that you both are on the same page sexually and romantically and that you are both invested in your kids. If one of you feels that the kids cramp his style and is counting down the days until they're older, that would be miserable to live with. If one of you wants to swing and the other doesn't, you can't really agree to disagree. The details matter op and unless you share them, you'll get answers that are all over the map.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day you vow not to subject them to your fighting?

Why don't you just stop arguing, period?

NP, but this is hard. We seem to operate on two separate sets of experiences. His growing up vs. my growing up. What he remembers of of his time with DD vs. what I remember. We don't have the same experiences at all. Our reactions, our parenting is totally different. So, little things become fights in front of DD, because we each challenge the way the other reacts to DD at every turn. Every moment. Every nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My opinion is divorce suits the parents but is bad for the kids, and the effects are long lasting. Too many people throw in the towel too easily. Your kids are still young. When one is in school, it will get better. Unless there is abuse, infidelity, or an addiction things could probably get better over time.

+1 million

Talk to your husband. Tell him you don't like the way things are going (he probably doesn't either) and maybe you can work on things. That's what I did and it's better now. Do you have resources to get some more help with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Although his parents raised him in a very different style, he obviously grew up to be a successful and lovely enough of a person that you fell in love with him, married him and then had a child with him. If the children are raised in "his style" - what would happen? Death? Is he letting them play unsupervised with bags of broken glass and tins of hot coals?

If you get divorced, it doesn't stop this problem. When he has the kids, he will continue to parent them his way.

You can't change his parenting style but you may find success at changing your reaction to it.

[Anonymous]

Unless there is abuse, addiction or adultery - you have kids - you should not divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think amicable divorce is better. My ex and I are friends now. It makes our kids so, so happy to see us exchanging Christmas presents, breaking bread together, etc. We would have holes punched through the walls if we'd stayed together.

i don't really know people who have an amicable relationship post-divorce. my in laws have been divorced for almost 20 years and they will not be in the same room. a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every day you vow not to subject them to your fighting?

Why don't you just stop arguing, period?

NP, but this is hard. We seem to operate on two separate sets of experiences. His growing up vs. my growing up. What he remembers of of his time with DD vs. what I remember. We don't have the same experiences at all. Our reactions, our parenting is totally different. So, little things become fights in front of DD, because we each challenge the way the other reacts to DD at every turn. Every moment. Every nap.

Of course it's hard, but so what?! LIFE is hard. You don't get to opt out of things simply because they are "hard." (What kind of terrible example is THAT to set for your kids?

You have written an excellent description here of the dynamic that goes on between many, many, many (most if not all) couples when they first have kids. You are bringing to your parenting all of the baggage of your own growing up experiences -- that's what you know, good or bad and the familiar seems what is right. Anything else is "wrong." This affects issues from the reasonable to the ridiculous ("what do you mean, Santa wraps gifts?? No he does NOT! In my house growing up, Santa did not wrap his gifts and that's the way it should be for our kids!") The real problem is that you are letting everything turn into a power play because --- out of deep insecurity -- you both desperately need to be proved "right."

The best solution DH and I found was to simply split up the tasks. He got to make some decisions and I supported them, whether I agreed or not. Same with me and what I got to decide on. The important thing is to present a united front to your kids. Make a list of everything you are arguing over now -- baths, naps, eating, clothes she's wearing, whether or not to cry it out, etc etc. There will be many now, and the list will constantly change as she grows up. Then be honest -- which things are really important to you, and which are more important to DH? My kids are older, but to me, what is important is that they say please/ thank you, wear what I consider to be appropriate clothing, that they write thank you notes, that they have some religious training and that they eat a nutritious diet. DH cares more about structured time for schoolwork, how sports and extra curricular activities are determined, etc. You get the picture. He makes his decisions and I make mine but then we agree to SUPPORT, not criticize each other, even when a decision turns out to be the wrong one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think amicable divorce is better. My ex and I are friends now. It makes our kids so, so happy to see us exchanging Christmas presents, breaking bread together, etc. We would have holes punched through the walls if we'd stayed together.

i don't really know people who have an amicable relationship post-divorce. my in laws have been divorced for almost 20 years and they will not be in the same room. a nightmare.

My parents are somewhat amicable. They have been divorced almost 20 years, and work in the same field, so the anger has faded and it is in their interest to get along. However, it still sucks for us kids. It is really expensive and time-consuming to do all holidays and visits separately. I get really sick of negotiating how time will be spent and schlepping my kids around. It's really hard to get my children to spend enough time with their grandparents because it has to be done separately. As they get older, I am more and more afraid of how difficult it will be to care for them in two separate locations. Their second marriages have not turned out well either, so they are both as unhappy as they were when they were married. I don't think anyone should stay in a bad marriage due to these long-term concerns, but the consequences are real and long-lasting. Just because a divorce is amicable does not mean it is easy for the kids.

[Anonymous]

surrounding your children with vitriol is harmful to them, whether you are married or not. choose the path that creates a calmer environment.

[Anonymous]

Egm80 wrote:If you are interested in data and not just anecdotes, there is a book on this called "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" that followed children of divorce (and the divorcees) after 25 years. It is worth a read.

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