What's better for the kids - bad marriage or divorce?

[Anonymous]

Is there a consensus on this? I am starting to despair of things getting much better with DH despite counseling. We have two DD under 3. Every day I vow not to subject them to our fighting and tension but often break this vow.
At best things between us are decent, never really good any more.

[Anonymous]

How long have you two been in counseling? In my experience with both personal counseling and couples counseling, things often get worse before they get better. I think it's because you're really dealing head on with issues you've been avoiding. I'd bring it up with the counselor and see if s/he thinks you are making the type of progress that would be expected.

As far as the kids go, I think a well-handled divorce is better than a bad marriage. Not sure that it's better than a decent but not great marriage. Having 2 under 3 is extremely stressful and not an easy time in any marriage. I have seen couples split when the kids are very young, and then they have a good co-parenting relationship as the kids get a bit older. I've often wondered if they would have had a good relationship together once they survived the hell-storm of babies and toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Marriage during the toddler years is rough, no matter how strong the marriage. There was a marked difference in our relationship once our youngest started kindergarten.

How much counseling have you done?
What is the primary issue?
What does your husband think--is he still hopeful about working things out?

[Anonymous]

Every day you vow not to subject them to your fighting?

Why don't you just stop arguing, period?

[Anonymous]

My opinion is divorce suits the parents but is bad for the kids, and the effects are long lasting. Too many people throw in the towel too easily. Your kids are still young. When one is in school, it will get better. Unless there is abuse, infidelity, or an addiction things could probably get better over time.

[Anonymous]

I think amicable divorce is better. My ex and I are friends now. It makes our kids so, so happy to see us exchanging Christmas presents, breaking bread together, etc. We would have holes punched through the walls if we'd stayed together.

[Anonymous]

depends on what makes the marriage "bad"- violence, emotional abuse, lots of screaming, name calling...thats horrbile for kids and those environemnts can cause permanent changes in your childs brain chemistry (but thats the extreme end of it).
Honestly OP, every marriage with two small kids is kind of shitty. Don't make a permanent decision on a temporary situation. Stop fighting in front of the kids and try to ride this out till the kids are a couple of years older and less needy. remember this too. You may not want your husband but soemoen else will. Coparenting with an ex is bad enough, but do you want to co parent with ex AND his new wife for the next fifteen years? Work it out.

[Anonymous]

What would be a bad marriage? Is a bad marriage because your spouse and you are no longer in love? Or is it a bad marriage because there is cheating, violence, drugs, alcohol, in the house?

If it a mediocre relationship between the spouses but you are good parents to the kids and provide them with a safe and nurturing home then I think a divorce would be worse for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:depends on what makes the marriage "bad"- violence, emotional abuse, lots of screaming, name calling...thats horrbile for kids and those environemnts can cause permanent changes in your childs brain chemistry (but thats the extreme end of it).
Honestly OP, every marriage with two small kids is kind of shitty. Don't make a permanent decision on a temporary situation. Stop fighting in front of the kids and try to ride this out till the kids are a couple of years older and less needy. remember this too. You may not want your husband but soemoen else will. Coparenting with an ex is bad enough, but do you want to co parent with ex AND his new wife for the next fifteen years? Work it out.

Good visual for me to help put our similar situation in perspective.

-NP

[Anonymous]

A dud marriage where you don't feel connected or in love, but otherwise can be considerate to one another is better for kids than divorce. But if there is any friction, like regular fighting or worse, divorce generally is better.

Statistically, divorce hurts kids financially. That may not be as big a deal around here where everyone makes tons of money, but it can be significant if you are regular middle class or working class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a consensus on this? I am starting to despair of things getting much better with DH despite counseling. We have two DD under 3. Every day I vow not to subject them to our fighting and tension but often break this vow.
At best things between us are decent, never really good any more.

Do not subject your little girls to your fighting. Do not do it. Do not fight in front of them. If you cannot control yourself than yes - get a separation NOW. You and DH are changing who they are by verbally abusing or yelling at each other in front of them. If the tension is that bad, yes - separate now and work on your marriage apart or not at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:depends on what makes the marriage "bad"- violence, emotional abuse, lots of screaming, name calling...thats horrbile for kids and those environemnts can cause permanent changes in your childs brain chemistry (but thats the extreme end of it).
Honestly OP, every marriage with two small kids is kind of shitty. Don't make a permanent decision on a temporary situation. Stop fighting in front of the kids and try to ride this out till the kids are a couple of years older and less needy. remember this too. You may not want your husband but soemoen else will. Coparenting with an ex is bad enough, but do you want to co parent with ex AND his new wife for the next fifteen years? Work it out.

Truer words were never spoken.

Don't let your perceived image of all the people you know who have a couple or more young kids fool you. EVERYONE has a hard time, at some point.

Work it out, OP. You promised that you would. You made kids together and you have a responsiblity to them. And trust me when I say that if you go towards divorce, you will create a whole new set of problems you can't even conceive of at this point.

[Anonymous]

The consensus is that it depends on how bad your marriage is, and what the divorce would be like. Fighting divorced parents sucks too, and then you have all the other negatives of being divorced-- the schlepping back and forth, the finances, etc. If you can't get along now, why would you be able to get along better as divorced people? You will be divorced-parenting for a long, long time-- and then you will be divorced grandparenting (and having half as much time with your grandkids). You will never really be free of your ex.

Divorce is not a guarantee of happiness. Second marriages have a really high failure rate, if you can even find someone. And even if you do, life can be really, really hard with new partners, stepchildren, in-laws, etc. Even if everyone gets along and is nice to one another, it is really hard to work out all the logistics of two households. Everyone feels like they are giving a lot and not getting enough.

Some kids cope well with divorce, others not so well, and it's hard to know how your kids will react. And of course, you really have almost no control over your ex's parenting and choice of new partner. Google "Trisha Conlon" if you don't believe me. So if parenting choices are a point of disagreement, that will likely get worse. It's hard for kids to go back and forth between two very different parenting styles. It can be really hard for your kids for a long, long time-- at their weddings, and into adulthood as they try to juggle two parents in different locations, multiple holidays, etc.

So with all of that, since your kids are little, at least try to ride it out. It's a really low point in a lot of marriages. Your best bet is to find a way to stop fighting in front of the kids.

The words that come out of your mouth are always your choice. So I suggest you try to make better choices.

[Anonymous]

There is no consensus OP. But I'm in the camp that says divorce is better than subjecting kids to fighting and tension (per your OP).

[Anonymous]

I am asking myself "is this the type of marriage I want my child to have when he/she grows up?" I'm living my parents marriage, most people I know fell into a similar pattern.