my husband thinks I'm a bad mother

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't sound like a bad mom. You sound like someone who recognizes that this is not an area of competence you already have and who is trying to improve.

Your husband does not sound like a good husband, and being a know it all who talks trash about his wife to his mother does not make him a good dad. Being able to change a diaper without a baby crying also does not make him a good dad.

Counseling for you both, stat.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same way. He would scream at me and call me mother of the year if I couldn't quickly quiet the baby in the middle of the night. .

OP here. I got that too at first, when baby was little and wouldn't latch.

OMG. What a flaming asshole. Would it have cost him his life to say "I know it's hard, honey, hang in there. Is there something I can do to help? Shall we see a lactation consultant?".

Men being soultion-oriented my ass. It looks more and more like heaps of them are abuse-oriented.

So sorry you are going through this, OP.

Yeah, the crying was keeping him up at night and "unlike me" he had to go to work the next day. And no, I wasn't like the mom in the GP post who wanted to bf no matter the cost. Bf went very well right off the bat but of course there are some nights it just....doesn't. And somehow that was my fault.

I'm afraid to leave though because I'm scared he'll file for custody for the baby. I've been in counseling for very very mild PPD so I'm afraid he'll use that against me. I know. That doesn't happen. But he's got a way of spinning things and he'll convince a judge I'm a danger to the baby and myself.

I don't think he will. He's in love with the fantasy of being Super Dad but I guess he'd last very little when dealing with the whole practical aspect of parenting.

Also, being in counselling means that you're doing something to get better, and that's a huge plus point for you. What is he doing to help improve the situation? Calling you names? That hardly qualifies as constructive.

I don't think that a judge can make a decision solely on what a parent says. If anything, you'd have to be examined by a forensic psychiatrist to be deemed unfit to keep your baby. And I am not an expert, but I don't see abuse or neglect from what you write. So I don't think he stands a chance.

Well, I've told him that he'd have a nervous breakdown if he would have to care for the baby alone. He claims he'd do a "hell of a better job" than I would and that if I didn't want the baby, he'd take him. And I don't want to push him into that.

Talk to a lawyer and have your counsellor talk to a lawyer as well. They know all the intricacies of the law and they can come up with a plan, also taking your depression into account.

May I ask why you're so against staying at home? That would establish you as the primary caregiver and that's a hard one for any court to dismiss. Just a thought.

May I ask why you're so adamant SAHM parents are the best? Please stop.

Whatever. I was trying to help, you don't want it, suit yourself.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she doesn't want to stay at home because she likes her job and is good at it and wants to maintain an income in case she needs it in the future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't want to stay at home because she likes her job and is good at it and wants to maintain an income in case she needs it in the future?

+1. How is she supposed to support herself after the divorce if she quits her job??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same way. He would scream at me and call me mother of the year if I couldn't quickly quiet the baby in the middle of the night. I left and rode out maternity leave at my parents' house (I had a host of health issues and I physically needed support). Then I moved back into the house, thinking it would be better once the baby was sleeping through the night.

The baby is now 18 months and my husband has not gotten any less abusive. Now he tells our son that I am a bad mother, and that I don't love him because I travel for work and need to take a nap occasionally on the weekend (still dealing with health issues).

I am saving every penny I have to leave him in 2015, before my child is old enough to really understand what's going on.

Get out now, OP.

Good for you. Learn how to exit safely and stick to your plan. Nothing good can come from a man who tells his son that kind of crap. I bet he's not sacrificing his career to stay home. If he sets such store on your son having a SAH parent (which I truly think is the best thing for a child), why isn't he staying home with him? Double standards.

To both the posters here -- so sorry about this.

OP, this poster is right. Is there a good friend you could move in with right now? Work toward doing that in the next several weeks. GEt some money together, or get some from your mom after you tell her what is going on. Keep your job.

And going forward, keep a log of all the abusive things he says and does. See a lawyer about the information you will need to convince a judge not to give this man custody.
He will not change. Protect yourself and your baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was the same way. He would scream at me and call me mother of the year if I couldn't quickly quiet the baby in the middle of the night. .

OP here. I got that too at first, when baby was little and wouldn't latch.

OMG. What a flaming asshole. Would it have cost him his life to say "I know it's hard, honey, hang in there. Is there something I can do to help? Shall we see a lactation consultant?".

Men being soultion-oriented my ass. It looks more and more like heaps of them are abuse-oriented.

So sorry you are going through this, OP.

Yeah, the crying was keeping him up at night and "unlike me" he had to go to work the next day. And no, I wasn't like the mom in the GP post who wanted to bf no matter the cost. Bf went very well right off the bat but of course there are some nights it just....doesn't. And somehow that was my fault.

I'm afraid to leave though because I'm scared he'll file for custody for the baby. I've been in counseling for very very mild PPD so I'm afraid he'll use that against me. I know. That doesn't happen. But he's got a way of spinning things and he'll convince a judge I'm a danger to the baby and myself.

I don't think he will. He's in love with the fantasy of being Super Dad but I guess he'd last very little when dealing with the whole practical aspect of parenting.

Also, being in counselling means that you're doing something to get better, and that's a huge plus point for you. What is he doing to help improve the situation? Calling you names? That hardly qualifies as constructive.

I don't think that a judge can make a decision solely on what a parent says. If anything, you'd have to be examined by a forensic psychiatrist to be deemed unfit to keep your baby. And I am not an expert, but I don't see abuse or neglect from what you write. So I don't think he stands a chance.

Well, I've told him that he'd have a nervous breakdown if he would have to care for the baby alone. He claims he'd do a "hell of a better job" than I would and that if I didn't want the baby, he'd take him. And I don't want to push him into that.

Talk to a lawyer and have your counsellor talk to a lawyer as well. They know all the intricacies of the law and they can come up with a plan, also taking your depression into account.

May I ask why you're so against staying at home? That would establish you as the primary caregiver and that's a hard one for any court to dismiss. Just a thought.

May I ask why you're so adamant SAHM parents are the best? Please stop.

Whatever. I was trying to help, you don't want it, suit yourself.

NP here. It would not help OP to become financially dependent on an abusive man. SAH can be wonderful but it clearly would not work in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

May I ask why you're so against staying at home? That would establish you as the primary caregiver and that's a hard one for any court to dismiss. Just a thought.

May I ask why you're so adamant SAHM parents are the best? Please stop.

Whatever. I was trying to help, you don't want it, suit yourself.

Trying to help would have been mentioning it once Actually, it would have been mentioning it not at all, since it's something my husband also uses to cut me down. I'm out of the house one day a week, I'm hardly the average WOHM.

[Anonymous]

Op, get the fuck out and get an attorney who knows DV issues, stat. I am concerned for your safety and your baby's, too. This is not couple's counseling turf. And ignore the crazy person on a staying-home-fixes-domestic-violence kick. Get a lawyer for if and when he tries to get full custody. Good luck and be safe.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.

I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.

I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.

What state do you live in? There are plenty of states where recording someone without their knowledge is illegal.

Check the statutes for your state (Should be as simple as googling "'State Name' recording without consent" or post the state here and we can tell you.

IF recording without consent IS legal in your state you might be in an even better position as you can record him shooting at you and putting you down. YES, these things do constitute emotional abuse and YES it can be admissible in a divorce hearing. I used to work in family law and all I can tell you is START MAKING YOUR MOVES NOW. A well executed divorce for someone who is abusive will mean getting every single duck lined up in a row, and then at the last second, going for it. Do you have relatives or friends you can stay with? If not, start looking into housing options. You NEED to start saving money now in whatever way you can. Make up expenses, skim off the top, start selling your things, whatever it takes. If he is onto you then just be as careful as possible, and try to hide it to the best of your ability. Be vigilant about clearing your computer history and changing your phone password from time to time.

Set up a meeting with a lawyer and preferably one with experience in domestic violence/abuse cases. (Plenty of family law people are gold old boys/girls and wont take abuse seriously, and you need to get someone who will know what they're doing with it.)

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. All these documentations are admissible in court. If you can get him to text anything to you, like the "bad mother/I'm taking the child" stuff, then that is better.

OP you have to do this. You need to realize that things will NOT get better, they will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.

I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.

OP, do not cave to this nonsense. There is no way he can take your baby away. Go see a lawyer this week and learn what your rights are. You cannot make decisions based on things you don't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've been trying to leave and he got wind of it and threatened to take the baby if I did. It was an uneasy truce since then, but he's at it again. Today he yelled at me that he can't do some home improvement things that need done because I can't handle the baby by myself. He claims I'm disinterested and that because he always takes care of baby, he can't do anything else. Maybe he's right.

I can't leave. I really do think he'll take the baby. He's got plans to sue me for child support and everything. He secretly recorded me sobbing while in the throes of baby blues at 2 weeks pp. I sounded like a nut job.

OP, please take the 16:30 advice

[Anonymous]

^16:13

[Anonymous]

It is RARE, nearly impossible to have a child taken from it's mother.

LEAVE HIM before you can no longer cope. Pack some stuff while he's at work and get yourself somewhere safe.

[Anonymous]

OP, please please please stop doubting yourself. Please. You need your self-esteem to get through this, and this psychotic, manipulative husband of yours is just trying to tear you down. It doesn't matter if you're a natural at motherhood or not. I certainly wasn't, and I'm still not with a nearly 2 year old. You LOVE your baby and are taking good care of him. That's all your baby needs right now - love and care. Your husband is the one who is the problem here (and a very serious one at that), not you.