10 year old nephew crying when left with moms boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bf has been around for awhile. At least a year, and this behaviour is new. Bf has also pulled some spectacular stunts in the past, getting stoned, coming home drunk, etc. I'm wondering if kid is being asked to keep secrets or else is being left alone as bf goes out, etc.

Abusers don't start right away -- they groom the victim, and make sure the mom is dependent on them (i.e. for child care!)

Sounds like a loser, too.

Agreed. If this were my sister I would be flying into town and ripping her a new one. My mom's sister was selfish bitch like this and her kids (my cousins) are totally fucked up. Sorry, but I want to punch your sister in the face on behalf of your nephew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I would be alarmed. Can you talk to your sister?

I'm a single mom and I understand that leaving children with care takers is necessary. Does she have options other than boyfriend or is he convenient? I hope that your nephew is just going through a phase and there is nothing serious going on, but listen to your instincts. This is one of the reasons I don't even date much. I really don't know if I would ever be able to leave my child with someone else. I know that a lot of people do, and it's perfectly fine. It's my issue mainly, but I'm just being overly protective.

And thank God that you are. You are the only one that your children have to count on. Kudos to your for putting your responsibility to your children first. Said as the daughter of a single mom, so I get it. I'm grateful EVERY. SINGLE. DAY that my mother was like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I crazy for thinking something is going on?

NO you are witnessing an enormous red flag!

How many times must we hear of the abuses "mom's boyfriend" commit?

My heart goes out to your nephew.

There was another thread that said that the mom's boyfriend is the one most likely to be causing abuse, not a stranger. A 10yo boy crying hard is a big red flag. I'm surprised that your sister hasn't been concerned.

Well, the sister's judgment doesn't exactly sound stellar, given her choice of a mate (drunken, drug-abusing loser). Poor kid. Is the father a good dad? If so, OP, you need to clue him in so he can do something for his son. Somebody has to put this kid first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was me, OP. I called his school. his mom said it was because his friend was missing his mom, and it was contagious. I'm not buying it.

Your sister is delusional at best, and a neglectful bitch at worst. Sorry. She's not fit to parent her son any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband was molested by a relative, at about that age, and one of the hardest things for him to deal with as an adult is that he would literally cry and throw a fit when his parents left him with this relative and they kept doing it anyhow. He was telling everyone the only way he could, and no one was listening. I would try and track down the father, a school counselor, or CPS immediately. Some parents refuse to face the truth. My husband's parents didn't immediately believe him when he told them what had happened, and he was an adult at the point.

Not this poster, but please re-read her response.
It's telling.

And think about this.
How many of our grown men husbands would jump at the chance to babysit a 10-year-old boy??
Not many!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was me, OP. I called his school. his mom said it was because his friend was missing his mom, and it was contagious. I'm not buying it.

Your sister is delusional at best, and a neglectful bitch at worst. Sorry. She's not fit to parent her son any longer.

You have got to be kidding me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband was molested by a relative, at about that age, and one of the hardest things for him to deal with as an adult is that he would literally cry and throw a fit when his parents left him with this relative and they kept doing it anyhow. He was telling everyone the only way he could, and no one was listening. I would try and track down the father, a school counselor, or CPS immediately. Some parents refuse to face the truth. My husband's parents didn't immediately believe him when he told them what had happened, and he was an adult at the point.

Not this poster, but please re-read her response.
It's telling.

And think about this.
How many of our grown men husbands would jump at the chance to babysit a 10-year-old boy??
Not many!!!

I want to point out that it's not crazy for an adult male to be willing to babysit a 10 year old boy. I think OP is right to be alarmed by this particular situation, but not merely because the man agreed to babysit the boy. PP, my husband would willingly babysit our relatives' and friends' children if needed. Not sure where you're getting "jump at the chance," but I think it's important to point out that plenty of men watch over children every day and have no reason to be looked at sideways.

[Anonymous]

Please protect this child

[Anonymous]

If u call CPS and they find nothing wrong then at least you've checked and your sister will be fine if there's no wrongdoing.

[Anonymous]

It is all very concerning. Even more concernng if OP doesn't come back to answer the question of whether she's ever asked her nephew why he's upset when left with the BF. I worked for CPS for years and this scenario would be a classic case of something being wrong. Who knows what, could be anything from BF is verbally or physically abusive, to sexual abuse, to BF making nephew do things nephew knows are wrong (buy drugs, watch as drugs are dealt, etc).

I understand full well how challenging life as a single mother is. But being a single mother - even an overwhelmed one - cannot be an excuse for not seriously sitting down with your son and trying to figure out what else needs to happen if this "arrangement" isn't working. As a relative who cares, first step is talking ot the newphew himself and then going from there. If he seems terrified and clams up, get him out of the house and somewhere safe and try again. If you have any option of caring for him instead of the boyfriend, offer that, although I can't tell from the posts I've read if you already live with him or not.

And OP, it's good that you're conscious that you already don't like the BF and are trying not to cloud the situation with your dislike. But please be clear: it is HIGHLY UNUSUAL and CONCERNING for a 10 yr old to break down in tears every time they're left alone with another adult. Unsual to the nth degree. Look into it, get the kid to safety and ask them to be fully honest with you. And please be ready to act in some way to help him. Something sounds very very wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And do you know how abusers manipulate their victims?

they do things to young kids, that on some level the kids may actually enjoy. THAT is how they manipulate them. The young boys are so embarrassed that they are having a response, and the abuser tells them that it means that they really want this, and that their moms will hate them if learn about it.

So even if mom takes son aside and tries to have a chat with him, he won't be willing to risk talking about it. He will say everything is OK.

She can't risk it. This is too likely to be a bad situation. She needs to honor his feelings and his response, even if there's a chance that the boy is just pitching a fit for some other reason.

Parents of 10 year old children need to put their children first in this situation. When he is older, she can have a boyfriend again. Right now kids come first.

You can't tie this to her relationship with the BF b/c she will go on the defensive and insist her boyfriend is a good guy. She can keep dating him but must not leave her son with the BF. Can you take up a collection in your family and tell your sis for now you will pay for a sitter. She can find a nice woman her son feels safe with and she can tell the BF the babysitter is tutoring her son so he can't try to reclaim the role of babysitter. This sounds really bad and something should be done to protect this boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My God. Poor kid. Get him out of there! What is wrong with your sister? Child molesters prey on kids of single moms.

Yes, they do.

[Anonymous]

How about this. Tell your sister to go 2 full weeks of never letting your son and her BF to be alone. Not for a minute. See if he asks to watch him or asks her to run grocery shopping, spend the night as a "family" or anything that looks like he may want him alone. THAT could be very telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about this. Tell your sister to go 2 full weeks of never letting your son and her BF to be alone. Not for a minute. See if he asks to watch him or asks her to run grocery shopping, spend the night as a "family" or anything that looks like he may want him alone. THAT could be very telling.

That is something for OP to try, but not before or instead of asking the 10 yr old directly what is going on and why he gets so upset. That has to be the #1 next step, who knows how serious the situation is. If OP's sister isn't taking it seriously, someone needs to just ask the kid and find out as much as he'll tell, and hopefully take whatever next steps are necessary.

Really wish OP could offer to be the childcare instead of boyfriend, but for many reasons (schedule, logistics, etc) that may not be possible. But if it is possible, that would probably help a LOT to both protect the nephew if anything is going on, and also uncover what upsets the nephew so much about BF.

[Anonymous]

The OP lives hundreds or thousands of miles away from the mom.