Is It Optional To Attend The Birth of Your Child?

[Anonymous]

OP, your problem isn't that your husband wasn't there during birth, it's that you are unhappy with him generally. If he was an excellent husband otherwise but just not into birth, I think you would not be as wound up.

Presence of husbands at birth is completely cultural. It's not a litmus test of their quality as husbands and future fathers. I have both Russian and Middle Eastern heritage and in both cultures the majority of women are adamant that husbands have no business attending birth; they should be at home arranging a comfortable environment for the child, running errands etc. Most women there would be aghast and unduly stressed if you told them the husband has to be there.

Whether the husband is present at birth or not is completely and entirely up to the couple. I repeat that your problem with the husband is not that he wasn't there at birth. It's that he is just not there for you generally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm trying to understand the perspective. DH and I have been having some troubles, so I said, if you could pick one day where you felt you really did something special for me, what would it be? He picked the days our children were born. I had a doula the first time (and he left for lunch for two hours) and I drove myself to the hospital the second, so there was no major handholding. It didn't occur to me that it was an optional activity so I'm trying to understand.

OP, I think you might be wasting your time trying to make your marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem isn't that your husband wasn't there during birth, it's that you are unhappy with him generally. If he was an excellent husband otherwise but just not into birth, I think you would not be as wound up.

Presence of husbands at birth is completely cultural. It's not a litmus test of their quality as husbands and future fathers. I have both Russian and Middle Eastern heritage and in both cultures the majority of women are adamant that husbands have no business attending birth; they should be at home arranging a comfortable environment for the child, running errands etc. Most women there would be aghast and unduly stressed if you told them the husband has to be there.

Whether the husband is present at birth or not is completely and entirely up to the couple. I repeat that your problem with the husband is not that he wasn't there at birth. It's that he is just not there for you generally.

Thanks for this intelligent and informed post.

Not only is there a cultural component but until the 70s' even in the US it was not customary for husbands to be present in the delivery room. But more to the point, for any woman to view the willingness of a husband to be present when she delivers as a litmus test for the overall relationship is absurd to the point of being asinine.

Given the high divorce rate in the US - and I suspect that in most instances where children are involved the husband is present during delivery - it is ludicrous to view the absence or presence of the husband as being some sort of affirmation of the soundness of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

If the thought of being in the presence of blood and all that goes along w/the act of childbirth makes you queasy, then it probably is best that you avoid the delivery room.

Also if you have a phobia about hospitals in general.

Just make sure your wife has someone who will be able to stay w/her in the delivery room while she gives birth to hold her hand because it would be cruel to leave her alone w/absolutely no one to support + comfort her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something to be worked out between the couple.

I would not want to be present but maybe down the line I will feel differently. I would have an issue with my future spouse using my unwillingness to be present as benchmark for our relationship and how I feel about our children.

A question for the women who feel strongly that the husband should be present: if, for some reason, the wife did NOT want the father to be present during delivery even though he wanted to be there, is her opinion decisive in the matter?

To answer your question, in that case the father should be allowed in the hospital even if she didn't want him there in the room. But I've never known a wife to date that wouldn't want her husband around during that time.

You said you wouldn't want it as a marker for future situations, but that's exactly what would happen even in a subconscious level. Would you take it personal if your significant other wasn't there for heart surgery or the like for you? Birth is risky and deaths do happen, and at the very least you should be concerned and on top of what's happening in the waiting room.

Btw-I've yet to receive from this post a good reason not to attend or wait in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something to be worked out between the couple.

I would not want to be present but maybe down the line I will feel differently. I would have an issue with my future spouse using my unwillingness to be present as benchmark for our relationship and how I feel about our children.

A question for the women who feel strongly that the husband should be present: if, for some reason, the wife did NOT want the father to be present during delivery even though he wanted to be there, is her opinion decisive in the matter?

To answer your question, in that case the father should be allowed in the hospital even if she didn't want him there in the room. But I've never known a wife to date that wouldn't want her husband around during that time.

You said you wouldn't want it as a marker for future situations, but that's exactly what would happen even in a subconscious level. Would you take it personal if your significant other wasn't there for heart surgery or the like for you? Birth is risky and deaths do happen, and at the very least you should be concerned and on top of what's happening in the waiting room.

Btw-I've yet to receive from this post a good reason not to attend or wait in the hospital.

Not sure who said they would not want to wait in the hospital. I was with my wife throughout the labor and it was when they said she was ready to deliver that I left and waited for word that she had delivered. Another PP explained the reservations that I have - a combination of not wanting to see the pain my wife is going through and the blood and gore.

Re being present while delivering versus not being there for heart surgery is a poor analogy. I would not expect her to be in the OR while any type of surgery is going on even if she were allowed to be.

Of course giving birth has its risks - so does even procedures such as a colonoscopy but I'd not expect her to be in the OR if I were undergoing one. Also, make no mistake, if the mother's life was in danger during a delivery - say she went into cardiac arrest - the husband and any other family members would be asked to leave the room.

Quite honestly, this whole thing about being present at delivery is a relatively recent phenomenon even in the US. A lot of the outrage being expressed is to do with perception of others ie how would I explain to my family and friends that my husband did not want to be present when I gave birth, etc.

If a husband wants to be present all power to him. If he does not, don't read into it some sort of failure in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

My DH did not want to be there. He is VERY squeamish in those sitations. I STRONGLY suggested that it was in his best interest to be there. He was. But he was so traumatized by what he saw that he refused to touch me sexually for over a year. When I say it freaked him out - I am understating it. For the second that third ones, he was in the room but facing the wall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. Most moving experience of my life. Seeing the first seconds of his life outside the womb was indescribably overwhelming. I've seen a lot of cool things in life, but that was the top.

This is what my DH said, too. I will never forget his expression when they pulled her out and put her on my chest. He was stunned and crying and from that moment on he has been the most incredibly amazing father. But, I was adamant that he stay at my head/shoulder region, so he saw the head coming out from slightly above.

[Anonymous]

I had already broken up with the father of my child when we had her, but he was a great companion in the L&D room. He got me ice and popsicles and was a good conversationalist when there was nothing on TV. I had a long labor and I was definitely less anxious/bored with him there. I would have been sad if he hadn't been there for the birth of his child.

You don't have to go down to where the baby is crowning if you don't want to see that much of the action. Neither my ex nor I chose to look (though I told him he was free to do so) and neither of us really regrets that. What has been seen often canNOT be UNseen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your problem isn't that your husband wasn't there during birth, it's that you are unhappy with him generally. If he was an excellent husband otherwise but just not into birth, I think you would not be as wound up.

Whether the husband is present at birth or not is completely and entirely up to the couple. I repeat that your problem with the husband is not that he wasn't there at birth. It's that he is just not there for you generally.

Thanks, PP. I was trying to avoid coming to this conclusion, but I don't really think there is any way around it. Still sad, you know?

[Anonymous]

My husband was there and was terrific, but I told him that he did not need to be in the room if he thought it would be too much for him. I am really glad he was there, but if he couldn't handle it, I didn't want him there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH did not want to be there. He is VERY squeamish in those sitations. I STRONGLY suggested that it was in his best interest to be there. He was. But he was so traumatized by what he saw that he refused to touch me sexually for over a year. When I say it freaked him out - I am understating it. For the second that third ones, he was in the room but facing the wall.

Haha. Some men are so weak.