Help me manage my teenager's expectations and the college visit process

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The psychology of low expectations is alive and well on this thread. OP, as the spouse of a very successful, severely ADHD DH and a very academically successful and severely ADHD DC, I agree with you whole-heartedly. Your underperforming and unmotivated DC is not entitled to an expensive out-of -state education and ADHD does not giver her a pass for not doing her work. ADHD is an explanation for why someone may need to work differently or even harder to be successful. It isn't an excuse for failure and lack of initiative. Psychologists and school counselors are the worst. Once someone's labeled ADHD, expectations plummet, excuses are made and a self-fulfilling prophesy is put into place all giving the LD kid an excuse to underperform because it "isn't their fault". I see a clear difference in expectations between those who "know" my kid is ADHD and those who do not.

That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student.

What is your problem? Cheesy stereotypes everywhere in your posts. ADHD = shouldn't be expected to work. All bosses = C students. Surely you're capable of more sophisticated thinking than this.

[Anonymous]

It's difficult to give advice, just hearing about behavior such as not reading the book (combined with the editorializing about not trying).
Parents usually look at behavior, but it's what is behind that behavior that's important. From that piece of information alone, it could be anything from very slow reading speed and a long, complex book. to having found a boyfriend who dropped out of high school and doesn't think school is important, to any number of other things.
Sometimes, having a kid with ADD or LDs go away to a 4-year college is a risk. In DS's case, a therapist thought the odds were 60/40 (in his favor). He graduated in 4 1/2 years (gifted with mild language-based LD, and maybe ADHD). He did not want to go too far away, and he didn't (but did go to a residential college).
Keep in mind that, statistically speaking, most community college students who start our saying they plan to transfer and complete a 4-year degree, do not. My guess would be many of those who do, are strong, motivated students without money. Also, the New York Times just came out with an article reinforcing the importance of getting a 4-year degree.

You might consider colleges fairly close by that have very strong support (such as McDaniel in Westminster, MD), or a local college (such as Catholic U), to which she could commute (and which has a group of commuters).

[Anonymous]

C students without a serious (D1 caliber) athletic or artistic hook should not be looking at far away schools. They are perfect for second tier state universities or community college (and in NOVA if they can pull themselves together in community college, they can get auto-admit into UVA to finish).

[Anonymous]

Sometimes a far away school is just what they need to grow-up. Not saying op has to say yes, but it's a great option for some students.

[Anonymous]

That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student.


What is your problem? Cheesy stereotypes everywhere in your posts. ADHD = shouldn't be expected to work. All bosses = C students. Surely you're capable of more sophisticated thinking than this.

Agree. He/she uses "over-achiever" as a dirty word. Striving for excellence and doing your best work is not a negative human trait. However, looking for an "out" or denigrating others who strive for more is in fact a negative trait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student.


What is your problem? Cheesy stereotypes everywhere in your posts. ADHD = shouldn't be expected to work. All bosses = C students. Surely you're capable of more sophisticated thinking than this.

Agree. He/she uses "over-achiever" as a dirty word. Striving for excellence and doing your best work is not a negative human trait. However, looking for an "out" or denigrating others who strive for more is in fact a negative trait.

My guess -- that was a bored middle school student who doesn't understand much about the real world.

[Anonymous]

My brother was a C student and my mom micromanaged his every move refusing to pay for college. He moved to Colorado, put himself through college and graduated top of his class in law school.

I love to visit him, but he is not coming home to visit, ever.

I would follow the advice of the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The psychology of low expectations is alive and well on this thread. OP, as the spouse of a very successful, severely ADHD DH and a very academically successful and severely ADHD DC, I agree with you whole-heartedly. Your underperforming and unmotivated DC is not entitled to an expensive out-of -state education and ADHD does not giver her a pass for not doing her work. ADHD is an explanation for why someone may need to work differently or even harder to be successful. It isn't an excuse for failure and lack of initiative. Psychologists and school counselors are the worst. Once someone's labeled ADHD, expectations plummet, excuses are made and a self-fulfilling prophesy is put into place all giving the LD kid an excuse to underperform because it "isn't their fault". I see a clear difference in expectations between those who "know" my kid is ADHD and those who do not.


That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student.

Wrong. DH is the "boss" and he wasn't a "C" student. Psychology of low expectations at work again.

I find it creepy that you know you H HS grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother was a C student and my mom micromanaged his every move refusing to pay for college. He moved to Colorado, put himself through college and graduated top of his class in law school.

I love to visit him, but he is not coming home to visit, ever.

I would follow the advice of the therapist.

Where does it say OPs choice was to either micromanage or refuse to pay completely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother was a C student and my mom micromanaged his every move refusing to pay for college. He moved to Colorado, put himself through college and graduated top of his class in law school.

I love to visit him, but he is not coming home to visit, ever.

I would follow the advice of the therapist.

Where does it say OPs choice was to either micromanage or refuse to pay completely?

+1. And given that micromanaging is the exact opposite of refusing to pay for college, this doesn't even make sense. Troll much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:




Anonymous wrote:
The psychology of low expectations is alive and well on this thread. OP, as the spouse of a very successful, severely ADHD DH and a very academically successful and severely ADHD DC, I agree with you whole-heartedly. Your underperforming and unmotivated DC is not entitled to an expensive out-of -state education and ADHD does not giver her a pass for not doing her work. ADHD is an explanation for why someone may need to work differently or even harder to be successful. It isn't an excuse for failure and lack of initiative. Psychologists and school counselors are the worst. Once someone's labeled ADHD, expectations plummet, excuses are made and a self-fulfilling prophesy is put into place all giving the LD kid an excuse to underperform because it "isn't their fault". I see a clear difference in expectations between those who "know" my kid is ADHD and those who do not.


That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student.


Wrong. DH is the "boss" and he wasn't a "C" student. Psychology of low expectations at work again.


I find it creepy that you know you H HS grades.

Why? I would imagine most people know if their spouse was valedictorian, just as they would know if they graduated from college with honors. Creepy, really?

[Anonymous]

My brother was a C student and my mom micromanaged his every move refusing to pay for college. He moved to Colorado, put himself through college and graduated top of his class in law school.

I love to visit him, but he is not coming home to visit, ever.

I would follow the advice of the therapist.

At no time did OP say she wouldn't pay for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My brother was a C student and my mom micromanaged his every move refusing to pay for college. He moved to Colorado, put himself through college and graduated top of his class in law school.

I love to visit him, but he is not coming home to visit, ever.

I would follow the advice of the therapist.

At no time did OP say she wouldn't pay for college.

+1. Also, the therapist/psychiatrist's advice is totally vague and subject to wildly different interpretations, at least as OP presented it. Can we agree that 1st PP is a troll, and ignore him/her?