Help me manage my teenager's expectations and the college visit process

[Anonymous]

Our junior, soon to be senior, has high potential, but has never really taken school seriously, despite having high potential and lots of support.

Typical grades right now are all Cs an A and a B; with the higher grades being in the "fluff" classes.

If you'd asked me freshman year, when she was more invested in her academic performance, I'd have told you I wanted to fund all of college and I'd have been open to a wide range of places. We are not rich, but we have saved, and we do have good earning potential, though again, are not wealthy.

At this point, I'm frustrated that she is getting a poor grade in classes like English because she can't even be bothered to read the book. She needs to have some skin in the game with respect to college; DH and I have never committed to her that we would fund the whole thing - we've always expressed that we would fund some and she would have student loans for some.

We've done a few college visits throughout the years; now she wants to go on more college visits this summer- some of which are 5-8 hour drives away.

Candidly I don't see ourselves funding tuition for some of these out of state schools- I'm not inclined to make the investment to visit places until we determine - if she is accepted and also what will the true cost be. If she is not accepted and receives no merit aid (I expect she will receive none), then I feel an in state community college / state school are better fits for her to mature a bit more.

I'm frustrated because my tune would be totally different if she would just try a little bit, but instead I feel she expects others to make all the effort and put very little in herself.

Any suggestions from parents in similar situations? Should I be more willing to drive all over to look at schools pre-application?

[Anonymous]

I think your thought process is right on track. If you want your daughter to become a productive, contributing adult then expecting her to make some effort before you put any in is the right way to go. Otherwise, I can see you footing the bill for an out of state school that she flunks out of freshman year.

If she were trying her hardest and getting C's, my answer would be different. Since she's putting in little to no effort, she would benefit from reaping the consequences of that. Sometimes the best thing we can do for our kids is to let them fail/give them a taste of the "real world".

[Anonymous]

She is on ADHD medication and diagnosed with that, but when I know she is not doing things like reading the book, I really can't reconcile that with "trying" though her psychiatrist / psychologist seem to want to manage my expectations a little bit more than I think is reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Maybe visiting colleges will motivate her a little? How are her test scores?

I hate the thought that you're already giving up on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is on ADHD medication and diagnosed with that, but when I know she is not doing things like reading the book, I really can't reconcile that with "trying" though her psychiatrist / psychologist seem to want to manage my expectations a little bit more than I think is reasonable.

People trained in ADHD are trying to manage your expectations and in turn you are trying to manage your daughters. I am confused. Your expectations were too high for her to reach and now that she has not reached them you don't want to pay for college.


FWIW I don't think anybody should NOT have "skin in the game" but I think you are confused.

I would get recommendations for colleges from the psychologist and you need to be all in (not financially, of course there are consequences) but you need to have reasonable expectation, C are mostly reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is on ADHD medication and diagnosed with that, but when I know she is not doing things like reading the book, I really can't reconcile that with "trying" though her psychiatrist / psychologist seem to want to manage my expectations a little bit more than I think is reasonable.

People trained in ADHD are trying to manage your expectations and in turn you are trying to manage your daughters. I am confused. Your expectations were too high for her to reach and now that she has not reached them you don't want to pay for college.


FWIW I don't think anybody should NOT have "skin in the game" but I think you are confused.

I would get recommendations for colleges from the psychologist and you need to be all in (not financially, of course there are consequences) but you need to have reasonable expectation, C are mostly reasonable.

Whoa- never said this. Just said that if DD isn't putting the effort into even read a book in her HS class, that I am not in favor of paying a large differential to go to an out of state college when I think an in state or community college might be needed for maturity. A C can be fine, but if you are getting a C while not doing any of the classwork, then I'm not so sure a C is fine coupled with the expectation that a parent outlay significant $ with no effort from child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is on ADHD medication and diagnosed with that, but when I know she is not doing things like reading the book, I really can't reconcile that with "trying" though her psychiatrist / psychologist seem to want to manage my expectations a little bit more than I think is reasonable.

Ahhhh, this changes it up somewhat.

Definitely work with a good guidance counselor to find out what schools she can reasonably expect to get in to given her current grades (not future promises). They should also know which schools are good at working with students with disabilities. Have your daughter select a few reasonable schools to visit and maybe one "reach" school. Just like anyone else. Decide what you are willing to contribute financially and what your limits are.

I have a friend whose daughter with ADHD just spent 6 years at school (in-state, but they are not rich by any means and it was a huge hit on their budget) and never finished. She had tons of support, financial and otherwise. She is currently 25, living at home, working part-time at Best Buy. Maybe for her, that is the best she can do--I'm not sure. Set up some reasonable expectations in conjunction with the psychiatrist/psychologist--they are the experts after all--and then follow through with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is on ADHD medication and diagnosed with that, but when I know she is not doing things like reading the book, I really can't reconcile that with "trying" though her psychiatrist / psychologist seem to want to manage my expectations a little bit more than I think is reasonable.

People trained in ADHD are trying to manage your expectations and in turn you are trying to manage your daughters. I am confused. Your expectations were too high for her to reach and now that she has not reached them you don't want to pay for college.


FWIW I don't think anybody should NOT have "skin in the game" but I think you are confused.

I would get recommendations for colleges from the psychologist and you need to be all in (not financially, of course there are consequences) but you need to have reasonable expectation, C are mostly reasonable.

Whoa- never said this. Just said that if DD isn't putting the effort into even read a book in her HS class, that I am not in favor of paying a large differential to go to an out of state college when I think an in state or community college might be needed for maturity. A C can be fine, but if you are getting a C while not doing any of the classwork, then I'm not so sure a C is fine coupled with the expectation that a parent outlay significant $ with no effort from child.

It might be that reading the whole book provides little value and that time is better spent on a class she thinks she can get an A or B. It might be a simple cost benefit analysis.

[Anonymous]

The truth is, a cheaper college closer to home might not be a bad idea! It's cheaper, and with her ADHD to manage, it may be better to have your DD nearby.

What subjects does she like, and what careers interest her? That is what you need to discuss with her in depth (with visits to work sites, or talks with professionals), so that she gets a feel for the work environment and whether a topic would be a good fit for her.

ADHD people can give 101% when they're focused on a specific goal. If they don't know where they're going, they can't make the huge effort it takes to stay on task. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

She can go to the less expensive in state school and transfer if she gets the grades she would need to do that. If it's that important to her to go to a different school other than in state, she'll do what it takes.

[Anonymous]

Would she consider a gap year? If she's putting this little effort into HS, maybe it's not time for college right now.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the GC at school about what schools will accept her w/ current gpa/sat. Maybe this will wake her up. I would not go on trips to schools that she can not get in and I would tell her- you can't get in there, we are not going to visit that school(also if the school is too expensive). Time to be honest with her, she has some time, but not much.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would be hesitant to drive so far to look at schools that if I were in your situation. I think you are setting your daughter up for a big let-down. What are you going to do if she really likes a school and manages to get accepted, but with little or no aid?

At the very least, you need to be honest with her about how much you are willing to pay for an in-state school, and how much she will have to get loans for. We found many OOS state universities to cost about twice as much as in-state schools. That is going to add up to a lot of student loans.

I know lots of kids who were not able to visit the OOS schools they applied to until after they were accepted. Our family chose to visit schools pre-application, but that was because we were prepared to send our child to one of them. I'd not have gotten his hopes up if I wasn't prepared to follow through.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I agree with the advice to talk to the guidance counselor about what schools are targets and reaches. Your DD needs to hear this from a neutral third party. She may not accept your opinion, and driving 6-8 hours for a college that will likely reject her seems like a waste of everybody's time.

As an added bonus, talking to the school counselor now might light a fire under her for the 1st semester if senior year, which colleges will see (unless she does ED). Whereas waiting until the rejection letters arrive next April will delay this lesson. Is there any chance you can schedule a meeting with the counselor before they go on summer vacation?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand your question.

So, if she was a straight A student, you would pay for out of state but since she is ADHD you won't?

Here is a college that was recommended to us.


http://www.wvwc.edu/index2.php

It's not cheaper than MC though.