Help me manage my teenager's expectations and the college visit process
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Anonymous
Lovely thoughts. But why does this mean that OP should pay $20k more for an out-of-state college, when her DD who is not putting in the work could get the same degree from an in-state college? Because THAT is what OP is asking. |
Anonymous
| $80k more = 4 times $20k. |
Anonymous
When should you ever spend $20k more for an out of state college? That is a different question. If her Dd was a straight A student, will she actually be more successful if she goes out of state? Probably not. Or maybe. Nobody really know the answer to that. I just don't think she should change the rules on her daughter because she has a disability. |
Anonymous
Once again: this is not about the disability. This is about lack of effort and needing more time to mature (OP's word). Please, go back and reread OP's first posts. |
Anonymous
That is OP's opinion. The psychologist and psychiatrist disagree with her opinion. "Is you child lazy?" Is a common misconception of people with LDs. It's actually a question on the diagnostic form. Maybe she just needs a parent that does not micromanage her homework. It is hard for parents who learned in tradition ways to understand their kids learn differently. Do you know how many parents are against books on tape because they don't believe their child is learning to read even though all the studies show some kids need to listen to books on tape. |
Anonymous
You are completely wrong to excuse lack of effort on the grounds that there is an LD. I know a thing or two about LDs myself, and I know that the LD and the work ethic are two very different things. Sure, problems with planning and organization are sometimes confused with lack of effort. But fundamentally, these are two very different things and should not be mixed up as you are doing. In particular, LDs should never be used, as you are doing, as an excuse for not trying. The DD is not even trying to read books for her English class. How hard is this to understand? The same DD was apparently trying freshman year, per OP's first post. So the relevant executive functions appear to be there to at least some extent. You seem to want to deny that work ethic could conceivably be an issue, and to lay everything at the door of the ADD. You are viewing this through some lens of your own. The result is that you're accusing OP of things like "micromanaging" and having antiquated "traditions" when in fact there 'a nothing in her posts to suggest this is going on. |
Anonymous
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Tons of kids read the cliff notes.
We will have to agree to disagree. You agree with OP and I agree with the psychiatrist. It not going to hurt to visit colleges. Every kid has a reach school or 2. |
Anonymous
The school mentioned -Wesleyan, WV, is $35,000+ in after tax dollars not including travel. There are several good college guides out there for parents of kids with SN to help them find the right college. While our DC could have chosen otherwise, she chose in-state VA, which was absolutely the right decision for him. At $9,500, he can take six years to graduate - whatever is right for him. But OP, you must be upfront in your applications about the disability. You DD should work it into her essays. After she gets in, then contact the disability services office and see if they will require new testing before the academic year begins (most will say yes). Get their list of testers. Go to the tester, hand over the $3K, get the test. Take it back to disability services along with your 504 or IEP or whatever you had in high school. A good disabililty services office like we have in the VA colleges will: a) guide your student through the craziness of signing up for classes (usually you get preferential sign-ups, although this can vary from campus to campus) b) help with room assignments if they end up in a quad or something not workable for someone with ADHD (most ADHD contracts provide for a double or single) c) preferential seating in class d) copy of teacher's notes, if any e) extra time on tests, usually done in the disability services office f) get your DD a reduced workload the first term. This was an absolutely must for our ADHD boy. We had no idea how difficult the transition from home to college would be (shrink says "absolutely normal"). We further reduced his workload by another class in spring. He is now taking courses during the summer to keep up. e) will go to bat for you if you get an adjunct teacher who has never heard of aspergers/adhd/etc. and doesn't know what to do. A member from the disability services office sits down with your kid and teacher and the beginning of every term do go over expectations. Our DC has difficulty with long reading (we always do audio tapes) and long composition. It's not Him or laziness - it's just the information goes in his head and gets garbled and cannot come out in a coherent essay. You daughter may have the same problem. Have you tried audio tapes of the book? That's what made the difference for our son. Another option, of course, is to take advantage of your state community college system and if in VA, try to meet the requirement to transfer to one of the 40 eligible institutions at the end of the second year. That way your DC can stay at home and you can continue therapy. That is what most of the ADHD patients of our shrink have done. Will your DD get up and out of bed in the morning on their own and get to class on time? That one issue has been a killer for all of my friends. They send their ADHD kid to an xlnt $65K a year school and find out far too late that johnny is flunking because he hasn't gotten out of bed and attended classes. They all came home the first year. Don't overreach if you have any doubt in this area. Finally, the most heartbreaking experience of all is after all this is done and your DC is settled in you may realize that your DD just has reached her peak and cannot climb any further. I am coming to terms with the fact that my DC (different diagnosis, but ADHD and Anxiety too) may be dependent on me for life. I had hoped he would be able to function on his own and build a family but right now that's not in the picture. If I can get him through an undergraduate program - even if it take five or six years - then perhaps we can find a job at the end of the rainbow. Right now, I'm not sure DS is employable. We will see. My thoughts are with you. BTW, you might get better responses if you posted on the SN forum. There are lots of parents there who are going through what you are going through. |
Anonymous
Except, OP's description of what the psychiatrist said is very vague and is subject to wildly different interpretations. You obviously picked an interpretation that lets you abuse OP, because, hey, abusing others anonymously is fun, right? To build the case for your assault on OP, you stubbornly refuse to admit that work ethic is separable from LDs. Not content with doing that, you also toss in a bunch of pure fabrications: OP only wants CC (reality: OP said she is open to an in-state college), and OP is micromanaging (where on earth did that come from?). Ugh. |
Anonymous
Everything she said is vague. Even the statement about not reading the book is vague. I was not abusive and many have expressed that a C student will be fine in college. If she said no matter what all her kids are going in state and her DD wanted to go out of state that is a whole different thing. But she said she just refuses to support the ambitions of the DD because she does not study the way she wants her to do it. Micromanage... Do you even know if your junior read the whole book? I don't ... Why would I. Their consequence is not getting into the college of their choice if their grades are bad. I don't need to manage what they do and what they don't do. |
Anonymous
You are a bully. Sorry, there's no other way to put it. She has said multiple times that she'd support DD if DD worked at it. She said that in 9th grade DD was doing the work, and at that time she was prepared to shoulder any cost or college plan. Why do you keep ignoring this? Because you have created a fictional OP that you want to bully. Also, you know full well that equating micromanaging with simply knowing whether junior finished the book is wrong and just further serves your purposes of bullying OP. You know that micromanaging is a whole different level of involvement -- quizzing junior on how far along he is on the book, who the main characters are, when the quizzes and tests are, et cetera. But again, if you admitted this difference, it would make it harder for you to bully OP, right? |
Anonymous
| The psychology of low expectations is alive and well on this thread. OP, as the spouse of a very successful, severely ADHD DH and a very academically successful and severely ADHD DC, I agree with you whole-heartedly. Your underperforming and unmotivated DC is not entitled to an expensive out-of -state education and ADHD does not giver her a pass for not doing her work. ADHD is an explanation for why someone may need to work differently or even harder to be successful. It isn't an excuse for failure and lack of initiative. Psychologists and school counselors are the worst. Once someone's labeled ADHD, expectations plummet, excuses are made and a self-fulfilling prophesy is put into place all giving the LD kid an excuse to underperform because it "isn't their fault". I see a clear difference in expectations between those who "know" my kid is ADHD and those who do not. |
Anonymous
That is a typical overachievers response. I hate to break it to you but your H's boss was more than likely a C student. |
Anonymous
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OP here - there's been a lot of good advice and insight on this thread and there has also been some confusion I think - it doesn't seem like its the kind of confusion that can be cleared up with more details from me or more perspective - there is a poster or posters who are determined to look at this through their own viewpoint, maybe biased by their experiences.
Its an anonymous board, so people can't know me or my intentions, but I assure you I have the best interests of my child at heart. I value and incorporate the advice of professionals whom I willingly hire and pay a significant sum to help guide us. Thanks PPs for their thoughtful advice and experiences - I will absolutely consider it. |
Anonymous
Wrong. DH is the "boss" and he wasn't a "C" student. Psychology of low expectations at work again. |