Help- advice needed regarding leaving a note for family member who smells

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

I don't mean to frighten you, but do you have any symptoms of MS? Less concerning if you're ok in summer heat.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to everybody for this thread! I am now paranoid about being stinky and not knowing. Now I shall double up on the scrubbing, I think. I have heard unclean towels can also be a source of malodorous people. Or olfactory problems.



Dear Mom,
I love you.
signed,
Daughter
P.S. you stink

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

So.. have you been talked to your doctor about all this? Do you have a diagnosis? Not asking you to tell me, just wondering if you've actually tried your best to find help and surmount this problem.

[Anonymous]

Dear Mom,
I love you.
signed,
Daughter
P.S. you stink

LOL

[Anonymous]

You mother should not need to shower every single day to avoid getting smelly, which makes me think she has some sort of undiagnosed issue. Does she smoke? Does she has chronic lady problems? Does she use deoderant or is her skin uber sensitive and therefore doesn't? Does she has any sort of skin condition that could create odor quickly?

Now because you're quite sure that your mother lied about taking a shower, I sense some sort of deep psychological issue. Do not leave her a note, but try and have a open, sensitive conversation with her:

"Mom, I want to talk to you about something that might make us both uncomfortable. I've noticed for quite some time now that you seem to avoid bathing. I hate embarrassing you but I need you to know that your lack of bathing results in odors that I've noticed...and honestly, the kids have noticed too. So I wanted to try and understand why it seems you avoid bathing. Is there something that stops you? I love you so much but I'm concerned for you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

So.. have you been talked to your doctor about all this? Do you have a diagnosis? Not asking you to tell me, just wondering if you've actually tried your best to find help and surmount this problem.

See bolded sentence above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

Definitely pursue this with your doctor (or another doctor or doctors) because your symptoms sound alarming to me - especially if you don't know what is causing those symptoms in you. Medical problems are nothing to be embarrassed about, you need to find a doctor who will listen to you.

I'd suggest getting a shower chair/bench of some sort but it sounds as though your issues go beyond mere coordination/strength problems. Plus, you are only 56...

I hope you feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mother should not need to shower every single day to avoid getting smelly, which makes me think she has some sort of undiagnosed issue. Does she smoke? Does she has chronic lady problems? Does she use deoderant or is her skin uber sensitive and therefore doesn't? Does she has any sort of skin condition that could create odor quickly?

Now because you're quite sure that your mother lied about taking a shower, I sense some sort of deep psychological issue. Do not leave her a note, but try and have a open, sensitive conversation with her:

"Mom, I want to talk to you about something that might make us both uncomfortable. I've noticed for quite some time now that you seem to avoid bathing. I hate embarrassing you but I need you to know that your lack of bathing results in odors that I've noticed...and honestly, the kids have noticed too. So I wanted to try and understand why it seems you avoid bathing. Is there something that stops you? I love you so much but I'm concerned for you."

I shower every day. If I didn't I would feel dirty and I would probably stink. I even have to wash my hair every day or it would feel gross to me. It all depends on how active you are, your own personal body chemistry, diet, etc. I actually think that only inactive older people can really get away with not showering every day as long as their clothes are clean. You don't have to reek to not smell nice/fresh.

[Anonymous]

I don't shower or bathe my kids at my mother's house because she rarely cleans the bathroom to my satisfaction.
I try to get to a pool that has a shower and stay for short visits.

My husband gets passes for the local gym and goes to work out.

It could be less aggressive to ask if there is something about your bathroom that makes her uncomfortable. She mentioned that she'd shower when she was the only one home. Is she afraid of being walked in on? (I have a 1 bathroom house, too.)

If you ask her if you can be a better hostess, it may make her more open to telling you what is going on.

When a family member had an incontinence issue, someone suggested a large candle in a scent called "clean cotton" so your house smells like a laundry room. Worked very well. $10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no one NEEDS to bathe every single day, so just drop that issue altogether. Three times a week should be enough for a normal, healthy person who uses antibacterial soap (to kill the germs that make you stink), antiperspirant, and wears clean clothes. IF that's not enough, then investigate what might be medically wrong.

I hope you don't actually use antibacterial soap. There's no need to, and it just contributes to antibiotic resistance. You are the problem!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom hasn't showered since ... at least the early 90's. Possibly the 80's. She's very fat and has neurological issues and is very unsteady on her feet. If she is standing still holding onto something and someone runs quickly by her she loses her balance and nearly falls down.

Each member of the family has gently confronted her about the lack of showering and she emphatically lies to us claiming she does. She used to claim she showered during the day while we were at school. We never saw any evidence of used towels though. My sister and I discussed it a few times - if we were home sick from school for 3-4 days in a row neither of us ever noticed her shower.

When my parents last moved my dad re-did their master bathroom and put in a big shower with a wall seat and handicapped railings, as well as no step (she has trouble with steps) to get into the shower. She STILL never showered there.

I think she may do the washcloth at the sink thing like once a month or so? Or just not at all? That may be wishful thinking on my part. I actually stopped hugging her because she smells so badly. She gives fat people a bad stereotype.

This is truly awful, the smell must be overpowering. How does your dad deal with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one NEEDS to bathe every single day, so just drop that issue altogether. Three times a week should be enough for a normal, healthy person who uses antibacterial soap (to kill the germs that make you stink), antiperspirant, and wears clean clothes. IF that's not enough, then investigate what might be medically wrong.

I hope you don't actually use antibacterial soap. There's no need to, and it just contributes to antibiotic resistance. You are the problem!

Save your "super bugs" lecture. People are trying to help OP with her mom. You are not.

[Anonymous]

OP Here with a follow up. So I failed I guess because I was to wimpy to say anything in the end after everyone on here making it sound mean to tell her. So she visited, stunk up my sofa and my house, and then left. Oh well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP Here with a follow up. So I failed I guess because I was to wimpy to say anything in the end after everyone on here making it sound mean to tell her. So she visited, stunk up my sofa and my house, and then left. Oh well...

OP, DCUM inflates the extremes - overly direct/aggressive or the avoiding conflict/passive. Look at the PPs who suggested gentle ways to bring up the topic. I like the approach of 21:46 on page 2. Also you need to talk to your sister more about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll chime in with a different perspective. I have eczema and don't shower every day because it's aggravates my skin, but I brush my teeth everyday and shower at least every other day, certainly on days that I sweat. I also do a sniff test on myself at the end of each day and occasionally ask my husband if I should quickly rinse off.

When visiting my ILs, so people in their 60s, they really can not be at peace with their DIL, both a guest and a family member, not showering every day. It just makes them uneasy and they imagine I must be so so uncomfortable; they get uncomfortable just worrying about it. So, I do at least step into the shower and rinse off (not always with soap if my skin's dry) each day. I'm not used to it, I don't think it's necessary, and I don't smell. But it makes them comfortable and I'm not going to push back on something like that. In their world, people staying in their home shower each day - that's life.

If your mom is pushing back and saying she can't just go along with it (and is potentially lying about it?), then I think something's up beyond just a personal preference to shower less frequently. Either something physical, psychological, or maybe pride - could this be her silent defiance against your tracking her hygiene habits? Maybe she resents you inspecting the shower & her towel and finds it condescending?

This is the weirdest thing. Why are they even paying attention. I think that is rude on the part of the hosts.

I take my showers when no one is around because I like to air dry a bit/run around in a towel. For all my DH/potential guests/the nanny knows, I never shower.