Help- advice needed regarding leaving a note for family member who smells

[Anonymous]

OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

[Anonymous]

^^ I don't know how happy I would be with some of the suggestions above. I know you mean well, but it is just so difficult for me. And embarrassing. Who doesn't have the energy to dry off? Me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I doubt she's afraid of falling- she's only 62 and has been weird about bathing/showering for YEARS. Also, our shower actually has a handicapped bar b/c the former owners were elderly so she wouldn't feel unsafe I don't think. Regarding the "supervise" part, I tried that last night when I showed her everything and she just said hse'd rather do it when no one was home and I couldn't really push or argue at that point. I understand having empathy, I just can't find it for some reason, I think because this has been an issue for so long and I really just don't know how to help her/make it better.

OP is there any chance your mother has undiagnosed Aspergers, OCD or a sensory issue? Some who do claim that taking a shower can feel like little pins being stuck in all over there body. If not, I would just let it go. I don't know you, of course, but it sounds like you are really worked up about some other issue so this one (mom smelling) is being magnified in your head because you have other pressing problems. But don't humiliate her. Also, does she have halitosis? Halitosis can be a indication of many serious health issues, including tonsil stones and GERD.

[Anonymous]

I take care of my mom. She can't bathe on her own. I can firmly say that if she gets a "real" bath about 2x per week, then washing up at the sink daily (using a washcloth to do a sponge bath basically) along with normal teeth brushing, changing clothes daily, and ensuring sheets are changed regularly is sufficient 99% of the time.

I did switch her to a deodorant soap and encouraged her to use powder daily as well. It helps bridge the gap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to try to come from a place of empathy rather than just annoyance and embarrassment. Is she afraid of falling? Is she dizzy? Is she not comfortable in your very small house? Can you discuss the issue rather than making it so much about what she's done to you?

agree somewhat - say what you mean (be direct), but don't be mean when you say it. And say it AFTER she leaves. Like mom, the kids are asking me why you aren't bathing. Whats going on because im concerned about your change in your habits and I feel bad. Are you depressed?

[Anonymous]

no one NEEDS to bathe every single day, so just drop that issue altogether. Three times a week should be enough for a normal, healthy person who uses antibacterial soap (to kill the germs that make you stink), antiperspirant, and wears clean clothes. IF that's not enough, then investigate what might be medically wrong.

[Anonymous]

I think a daily shower can be a good thing for EVERYONE. I prefer a morning shower because it's how I start my day. My son is young & gets a bath at night before bed. I also like clean towels & clothes when I'm done.

Maybe you could get a basket for your mom & put some special shower gels, shampoos, and a fluffy bath robe etc in it. Add a scented candle, body spray, air freshener, lotion, face creams etc & tell her it's a late Mother's Day gift. Tell her that you want her to feel at home when she's there & that she is the guest & has priority on the shower schedule when she visits. Or take her to Aveda and treat her to some beauty products to use. If that doesn't work then maybe you could consider the note or talking to her.

But yeah, clean clothes and daily showers are a good thing in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

My mom hasn't showered since ... at least the early 90's. Possibly the 80's. She's very fat and has neurological issues and is very unsteady on her feet. If she is standing still holding onto something and someone runs quickly by her she loses her balance and nearly falls down.

Each member of the family has gently confronted her about the lack of showering and she emphatically lies to us claiming she does. She used to claim she showered during the day while we were at school. We never saw any evidence of used towels though. My sister and I discussed it a few times - if we were home sick from school for 3-4 days in a row neither of us ever noticed her shower.

When my parents last moved my dad re-did their master bathroom and put in a big shower with a wall seat and handicapped railings, as well as no step (she has trouble with steps) to get into the shower. She STILL never showered there.

I think she may do the washcloth at the sink thing like once a month or so? Or just not at all? That may be wishful thinking on my part. I actually stopped hugging her because she smells so badly. She gives fat people a bad stereotype.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no one NEEDS to bathe every single day, so just drop that issue altogether. Three times a week should be enough for a normal, healthy person who uses antibacterial soap (to kill the germs that make you stink), antiperspirant, and wears clean clothes. IF that's not enough, then investigate what might be medically wrong.

- signed a stinky person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no one NEEDS to bathe every single day, so just drop that issue altogether. Three times a week should be enough for a normal, healthy person who uses antibacterial soap (to kill the germs that make you stink), antiperspirant, and wears clean clothes. IF that's not enough, then investigate what might be medically wrong.

- signed a stinky person

i work with kids. If I stank, they'd tell me! Some people just don't smell bad. Sorry you came from an inferior gene pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

This is very worrisome given how young you are (56 is still middle-aged). However, you should be able to wash up a couple times a day to avoid stinking.

My old DD's college suitemates included a girl who wouldn't bath regularly. Eventually, Residence Life assigned her to a single room. But the smell of her unwashed body must have still been a problem for classmates and those who ate near her in the dining hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I don't know how happy I would be with some of the suggestions above. I know you mean well, but it is just so difficult for me. And embarrassing. Who doesn't have the energy to dry off? Me.

Could you stand in front of a space heater and just kinda rotate your body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am 56. Showering and bathing are actually very difficult for me, and it is not something I talk about. In the shower I get dizzy and this makes me anxious. Then I get either chilled or over heated. My skin is somewhat delicate so it itches afterwards and need cream. The warm and hot water make me very exhausted, truly really trembling shaking exhausted. This makes it hard to dry everything off. Then I have to rest for a bit. Washing my hair I something I plan. I used to bath every day like everyone else, but now the effort is just too much, so I bath every other day. When I bend over to put on my shoes, I feel faint. Shoe tying or buckling is difficult at times. After about 30 minutes I feel better. I asked my doctor and he isn't sure what causes this. I really do not want to smell, but on the other hand, bathing is such a pain. So if your mom is going through this, you might want to be kind rather than ordering her around. I know I would not appreciate it. And as I said, no one knows this about me -- it is too embarrassing and creepy.

I don't like the feeling of dry cloth on wet body, so after a shower I sit in my room and air dry. I shower in the evening, and then spend the next 30 minutes or so in my room reading a book while my body dries off enough for me to handle the rest of the drying-off. Would doing something like that work for you? It would let you rest and regain your equilibrium. I'd also consider getting a shower chair if I were you. It worries me that you feel exhausted and dizzy, a shower chair might help prevent an accident. I understand you're sensitive about this, but I'd also consider seeing a different doctor about it. If it could be fixed (or even if you had a label for what was going on) it might make it easier to deal with.

[Anonymous]

56 yr old - I think you're getting dizzy from the heat and humidity. Is there a window in the bathroom you can open? Can you install a fan? I shower with the bathroom door wide open, and actually don't close the shower door all the way.

I pass out from overheating so these are things I have to think about. I'm sorry you have such a hard time showering. There are also a lot of body wipes on the market these days, that are not just for babies (though nothing wrong with those either).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you can't just get her to do it? We have this issue with my grandma and we just come right out and tell her that she needs a shower. We're just an open family... I don't understand families like yours that don't talk about everything or be open.

It's wonderful that you have such open communication with your family. Not all of us have good families where that is possible. Think before you judge.