Help- advice needed regarding leaving a note for family member who smells

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I would have had strong words with her as soon as she started to smell, way back when.

But then we have that kind of relationship - I will never tiptoe around any issue, with any of my close family members, especially something related to health and hygiene.

So given the way your family communicates, I can't tell whether it's "simply" a falling/dizziness issue or a more deep-seated phobia. I strongly suspect the latter, however.

My rules, my house - if she wants to visit, she has to shower or bathe every day. I would be willing to bathe my mother myself, cut her nails, shampoo her hair, etc, if she could not do it herself in my house.

You have that rule for visitors? That seems so extreme to track your guests showering habits and insist they shower if they haven't.

You are willfully misunderstanding me and not looking good in the process, PP.

This is what I would do for my mother if she were so dirty that she smelled really bad and could not reliably wash herself.

Not looking to impress so I don't really care what you think of me. I am just laughing at the thought of you thinking your mother has a phobia so you are going to wrestle her into the shower and force clean her. Because you have rules that she has to shower every day. Just an odd way to live. But entertaining to imagine you wrestling your wet slippery phobic mother against her will, trying to hold her down in the water to get her clean.

[Anonymous]

That makes me sad that you confronted her in front of your children.

[Anonymous]

Obviously she has some mental block to hygiene. That's sad.

Maybe approach her privately with more gentle wording instead of scolding her, "Mom, you really should take a shower to freshen up."

"Oh, I'll do it tomorrow."

"Now is a good time, no one needs the bathroom for a while. After your shower we can sit down and catch up. Did I tell you about Larla's book report?"

If she becomes combative ask her directly if there's a reason she's putting off getting in the shower.

[Anonymous]

My dad hates showering. I make him shower I say dad you stink take a shower. We have a close relationship though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad hates showering. I make him shower I say dad you stink take a shower. We have a close relationship though.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness. Have her dr check her out. See if you can attend and mention it.

[Anonymous]

Am I missing something? It is perfectly reasonable not to shower every day - in fact, since your mother has gone through menopause her skin is probably very dry and it is better for her not to shower every day. I understand your bigger point is that she smells, so you need to politely tell her that. Then it is her choice to shower more often, use a body spray, whatever. I really don't understand why you are angry at her, though. Many older people do not shower every day for a vsriety of reasons, fear of falling being a big one even at 62 - and many people much younger don't shower every day either.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can completely relate. My Dad does not shower everyday either. However, after the 2nd day both my mother and I tell him to take a shower and he does. He also is not very good at brushing his teeth, or brushing at all so, last time they visited I told him to take off his denture and I soaked them over night and brushed the heck out of them the following day. I told him that I can't have a conversation with him because his breath smells and that he should be setting an example for my kids to brush their teeth as they have already complained that Grandpa's breath smells.

People have weird smells and I get that. Currently my FIL is visiting and the has full reign of the bathroom in the basement, thank goodness because I went down to spray it down and clean it as we having a get-together this weekend and it smelled, so I just bleached everything down in order to make it smell fresh. One of the smells is he's been using the same towel for a the last 4 days he's been here and it's on the floor with his clothes, I just grabbed everything and did the laundry, I couldn't stand it especially, since I have to clean for company this weekend.

I'd say confront your Mom, it will make you feel better and maybe you may find out something, as a PP mentioned it could be psychological.

[Anonymous]

Maybe replace the last line with something like, "I am so sorry to have to bring this up. It just concerns me and I want everyone to be comfortable. I love you!"

Or, maybe better yet, just speak to her privately and say more or less the same thing? It might be less stark coming verbally instead of in black and white on paper.

I'm sorry, OP. If it works, please post back if you can/want to. I'd like to know for future reference what approach works if any.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like some kind of phobia/disorder. Encourage her to see a doctor.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I missing something? It is perfectly reasonable not to shower every day - in fact, since your mother has gone through menopause her skin is probably very dry and it is better for her not to shower every day. I understand your bigger point is that she smells, so you need to politely tell her that. Then it is her choice to shower more often, use a body spray, whatever. I really don't understand why you are angry at her, though. Many older people do not shower every day for a vsriety of reasons, fear of falling being a big one even at 62 - and many people much younger don't shower every day either.

At most I only shower every other day. I've been that way my whole life because I hate water.

[Anonymous]

Another person who thinks that showering every day, especially in someone else's home that has one bathroom, is a heavy expectation for older guests. If that's what you do, great, but people don't necessarily need a daily shower. That's not going to make someone smell if they don't take one.

I see that your mother has issues with hygiene, yes. But you are a big problem here too. You can't start sniffing someone and examining their hair the moment they walk into your home. You can't play Towel Inspector. Your mother has a right to her dignity, especially at 62. And especially in front of her grandchildren. You need to accept the fact that her hygiene is NOT going to improve at 62. It's just not, OP. I'm sorry, but over the next twenty years she's not going to be sparkling clean. Either put up with this or don't have her stay with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another person who thinks that showering every day, especially in someone else's home that has one bathroom, is a heavy expectation for older guests. If that's what you do, great, but people don't necessarily need a daily shower. That's not going to make someone smell if they don't take one.

I see that your mother has issues with hygiene, yes. But you are a big problem here too. You can't start sniffing someone and examining their hair the moment they walk into your home. You can't play Towel Inspector. Your mother has a right to her dignity, especially at 62. And especially in front of her grandchildren. You need to accept the fact that her hygiene is NOT going to improve at 62. It's just not, OP. I'm sorry, but over the next twenty years she's not going to be sparkling clean. Either put up with this or don't have her stay with you.

Disagree. And plenty of elderly people take baths every day and with incontinence problems, etc. they need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another person who thinks that showering every day, especially in someone else's home that has one bathroom, is a heavy expectation for older guests. If that's what you do, great, but people don't necessarily need a daily shower. That's not going to make someone smell if they don't take one.

I see that your mother has issues with hygiene, yes. But you are a big problem here too. You can't start sniffing someone and examining their hair the moment they walk into your home. You can't play Towel Inspector. Your mother has a right to her dignity, especially at 62. And especially in front of her grandchildren. You need to accept the fact that her hygiene is NOT going to improve at 62. It's just not, OP. I'm sorry, but over the next twenty years she's not going to be sparkling clean. Either put up with this or don't have her stay with you.

Disagree. And plenty of elderly people take baths every day and with incontinence problems, etc. they need to.

You are missing the point, which is is that if the mom's hygiene has been iffy up until now, it's not going to get any better as she ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like she smells yet. You are just anticipating that she will smell and are all worked up about it. Your anxiety and stress might make it even harder for her to shower. If she showered at your sisters - how does your sister approach it - does she ask her frequently about showering as you do, does she check the bathroom and towel and talk about when she will shower and what shampoo she will use?

I understand you don't want to be embarrassed but it could be the way you are going about this (and embarrassing your mother) is making her less likely to shower rather than more. I mean she barely walked in the house and you were sniffing her hair and handing her towels. That isn't likely to lead to her showering.

I think this poster makes a really good point -- it may be that your anxiety & approach prompt your mom to dig in and get more stubborn about it.

Talk with your sister, and see how she approaches it.

I think this is also an opportunity to teach tolerance -- to let your kids know that we can still love people and appreciate their good qualities even if they have other, less-desirable qualities.