Need some advice, my Mom dropped a huge bit of info on me over Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP:

Dont you think it's a little weird how you're more concerned with your Mothers feelings rather than your own husband or your children? Why do you feel the need to protect your Mother? It seems that she has a lot of control over you, since she asked you to not tell your Husband. What Mother would ask that? It's now not just between your Uncle and your Mother...She's put you, your kids, all at risk, and now asking you to not tell your Husband? That is not her place to ask you or to even suggest it.

I am not the OP but I am both someone who has faced a very similar family circumstance and someone who (ironically) happens to have 20 years of experience as a child and family therapist with particular expertise in child sexual abuse.

The dynamics that the OP has described, including both her mother's behavior and her own response to it all so far, are totally and completely "normal" and expected in families where child sexual abuse occurs. If you have not lived through this and have no education in this area, you are out of line to be describing the OP's feelings as "weird," probing her about her motivations for feeling protective of her mother, and theorizing about the various relationships involved.

Your perspective is very clear and extremely well-boundaried - and it appears clear to me that you grew up in a healthy and protective family. But that is not the kind of family that is being discussed in this thread. Compassion is what is called for here, not judgment and questioning about the validity of the OP's reaction.

I would encourage you and all other responders to refrain from any further judgments or challenges and to allow the OP to explore all of these issues with a therapist qualified to help her navigate this extremely painful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OP:

Dont you think it's a little weird how you're more concerned with your Mothers feelings rather than your own husband or your children? Why do you feel the need to protect your Mother? It seems that she has a lot of control over you, since she asked you to not tell your Husband. What Mother would ask that? It's now not just between your Uncle and your Mother...She's put you, your kids, all at risk, and now asking you to not tell your Husband? That is not her place to ask you or to even suggest it.

I am not the OP but I am both someone who has faced a very similar family circumstance and someone who (ironically) happens to have 20 years of experience as a child and family therapist with particular expertise in child sexual abuse.

The dynamics that the OP has described, including both her mother's behavior and her own response to it all so far, are totally and completely "normal" and expected in families where child sexual abuse occurs. If you have not lived through this and have no education in this area, you are out of line to be describing the OP's feelings as "weird," probing her about her motivations for feeling protective of her mother, and theorizing about the various relationships involved.

Your perspective is very clear and extremely well-boundaried - and it appears clear to me that you grew up in a healthy and protective family. But that is not the kind of family that is being discussed in this thread. Compassion is what is called for here, not judgment and questioning about the validity of the OP's reaction.

I would encourage you and all other responders to refrain from any further judgments or challenges and to allow the OP to explore all of these issues with a therapist qualified to help her navigate this extremely painful situation.

Uh...I'm sorry...But, I am so sick of this sort of train of thought. Worried all the time about someone's "FEELINGS" and how they feel and how it affects "THEM" is sure getting old to me. I believe that this is why Sexual Abuse is so rampant in families....Everyone is so concerned about themselves. Are you forgetting that there are CHILDREN involved here?
I guess If we wanted to, we could say to this OP..."OP...it's okay, your Mom's feelings and your loyalty to her are far more important than your husbands feelings or your children, God forbid people feel uncomfortable...lets keep everything on the outside looking good"
We are supposed to be protectors of children. They are little, they cannot protect themselves..This is our jobs as adults.
The more the OP goes along with the idea of her Mother keeping this bombshell hush hush, it's like letting a sex offender free to roam the neighborhood.

I write this with anger because I have been a result of this. Without going into detail, It amazes me how many families are out there who have sexual abuse within, and it continues. It doesn't just stop. Sexual predators just dont get better through the years, or with an "Im sorry"...Sorry to say, He has probably offended more people than you can probably think of.

I understand your Mothers feelings. But it's sad to me that nobody is thinking about the other potential victims that could have been avoided had someone just told.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree with PP. The continued secrecy allows this pedophile to continue his behavior. Shame is why people keep quiet, when allowing it out into the open would end it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Uh...I'm sorry...But, I am so sick of this sort of train of thought. Worried all the time about someone's "FEELINGS" and how they feel and how it affects "THEM" is sure getting old to me. I believe that this is why Sexual Abuse is so rampant in families....Everyone is so concerned about themselves. Are you forgetting that there are CHILDREN involved here?
I guess If we wanted to, we could say to this OP..."OP...it's okay, your Mom's feelings and your loyalty to her are far more important than your husbands feelings or your children, God forbid people feel uncomfortable...lets keep everything on the outside looking good"
We are supposed to be protectors of children. They are little, they cannot protect themselves..This is our jobs as adults.
The more the OP goes along with the idea of her Mother keeping this bombshell hush hush, it's like letting a sex offender free to roam the neighborhood.

I write this with anger because I have been a result of this. Without going into detail, It amazes me how many families are out there who have sexual abuse within, and it continues. It doesn't just stop. Sexual predators just dont get better through the years, or with an "Im sorry"...Sorry to say, He has probably offended more people than you can probably think of.

I understand your Mothers feelings. But it's sad to me that nobody is thinking about the other potential victims that could have been avoided had someone just told.

I don't think the therapist poster is disagreeing with you. I think the therapist poster is saying this situation calls for professional help, not a bunch of think-we-know-it-all anonymous posters who perhaps have never been through this and have no expertise in it.

Therapist poster, of course all of us PPs are not experts. When you post to an anon parent's board you are not asking for expertise. You are looking for the reactions and feelings of run-of-the-mill parents.

I think a lot of the advice the OP got - including seeing a therapist - was very good. She seems wise enough to weed through the ocassional ignorant post we are all used to on these forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Kudos to you for telling your husband. It took a lot of courage. My continued thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Same here. All my best for quick healing. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

if you post anonymously on an anonymous forum, you're going to be judged and your'e going to get some "huffing and puffing" especially when people are alarmed with such reluctance to share such big traumatic news with one's husband. i am glad you told your husband, op. i actually think everyone's insistence on here probably had something to do with it. so to expect people to just cluck their tongues and say poor you, and not challenge you (as in the general you-- anyone who posts here) is ridiculous.