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Need some advice, my Mom dropped a huge bit of info on me over Xmas
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Anonymous
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Hi, It's the OP again, thank you again for all of the support. I did get what I was looking for: I needed to know if I was wrong for wanting to see a therapist, but it looks like it might be the best thing to help me get through this mess. The first couple of days after finding out I was a mess inside and then I started to bury it, but I don't think this is a good decision and it won't make it go away. I will tell my husband which was my initial reaction, but then I felt guilty going against my mother's wishes. There's nothing like a mother/daughter relationship and guilt!
Should I seek a therapist who specializes in molestation and incest? Is there such a thing? |
Anonymous
| Alison Howard-202.368.3501. office in Tenleytown. |
Anonymous
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Also, check out The Women's Center. They have offices in VCA and DC.
http://www.thewomenscenter.org/ |
Anonymous
| Dr. Howard is a person who I talked to --she was very helpful and made herself available immediately. |
Anonymous
| here's dr. howard's web site--www.alisonhoward.com- |
Anonymous
OP, I understand your reluctance to tell your husband about such a revelation. It's put you off balance, and you would have to deal with his reaction, which will not only be anger at your mother, grandfather and uncle, but won't be the supportive response you need and want from him because he's not in your place. He can't be. He has to protect his children, and he will view this through that perspective. He won't initially be able to see that people you've loved your whole life have betrayed you, lied to you. A therapist may help prepare you and him for this conversation. By going to a therapist (and posting here) you are taking the right steps to break the family habit of keeping secrets. Your poor mother -- how she must have suffered all these years. And she must have worried about you and about your children, but could not say anything, especially if forbidden by her own mother. One thing a PP addressed briefly: Do you suppose your uncle has molested other children, and what can you do to prevent this from happening again? Exposing him publicly would be a family-destroying experience, yet unchecked, he may harm other children. This is your mother's issue, but I think you can support her if she decides to bring charges (yes, it's possible, even now) against him. He will never admit what he's done, but your mother should not feel dirty and your whole family should not be ashamed because of him. Bringing light into a dark situation, by telling people you trust about it, can relieve the pain. I hope you find a therapist who can help you through all of this. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
| geez pp, you sure seem to know the OP's husband pretty well. |
Anonymous
I'm not the PP, but I would think it only normal for a father to be angered that his children were exposed to a pedophile. Would joy and excitement be more appropriate and inviting uncle over for a sleep over? My mom's father raped her as a young girl and we found out as adults. Her own mother would put her out as "bait" when he came home drunk to satisfy him and sacrifice my mom starting at the age of 7 for the protection of her 4 other children whom she hid with behind locked bedroom door. My mom cut off contact with him when I was 12 or so. Me and my brother and sister were really angry that she exposed us to him, though thankfully nothing happened. We never told her of our anger because it would have been pointless, given the absolute horrors she endured, but it did not change the feelings of betrayal. I can be assured that if we did have contact with my grandfather and did not know he was a child rapist and my husband found out my mom had allowed the kids to be exposed to a rapist, he would be blind with rage. I don’t think he would easily get over it, if ever |
Anonymous
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The OP again.
I told my husband last night. He was very understanding and overwhelmed by the news. I think it will take a bit for all of the news to sink in -- a lot like me. There's been a lot of helpful and supportive advice in this thread, but there's also been a lot of huffing and puffing. To those who've never experienced anything like this, don't be so quick to guess how you or your spouse would react. |
Anonymous
| OP again -- I'd appreciate it if we could let this thread die now. |
Anonymous
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To the OP:
Dont you think it's a little weird how you're more concerned with your Mothers feelings rather than your own husband or your children? Why do you feel the need to protect your Mother? It seems that she has a lot of control over you, since she asked you to not tell your Husband. What Mother would ask that? It's now not just between your Uncle and your Mother...She's put you, your kids, all at risk, and now asking you to not tell your Husband? That is not her place to ask you or to even suggest it. |
Anonymous
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Shut up, PP.
OP, I am wishing (as are most of us) the best for you and your family. Peace. |
Anonymous
| OP - Kudos to you for telling your husband. It took a lot of courage. My continued thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. |
Anonymous
Whoa....The PP seemed to be asking some valid questions. Way to be 7th grade though. 
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Anonymous
| My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, OP. |