Need some advice, my Mom dropped a huge bit of info on me over Xmas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP again.

PP I'm sorry, but I don't think you read my response very carefully. I was in a position of where I could not tell him right away. And then once it was allowed to sit and stew, then I started to worry about his reaction. I'm probably not being rational, but try walking in my shoes. I'm almost 40 years old. I know all of the participants. My perspective on my family and the world has radically changed. It will NEVER be the same again. I trust my husband, but can you not understand why I'm scared to to tell him and to try and deal with his emotional baggage when I feel like I'm dealing with my own and my mother's already? Right now I don't think I could handle a huge emotional outburst on his part. And seriously I have no idea how he is going to react. I've already stated I was surprised at my own reaction. I'm going to bet you probably have an idea of how you would react in this situation, but I think you would be surprised.

Hi, OP. Trust me, I completely understand your hesitation at disclosing this to your husband and any ensuing emotional outburst, argument, fear, sadness, what-have-you. I am one who recommended that you tell him, but my reason is for the children’s safety first. They are safer if both parents know there is a threat. I am not condemning you in any way by saying this, but sometimes our own emotional baggage, particularly where family is concerned, could lead us to make wrong choices for our kids. I am struggling with something similar and continually check with my therapist to make sure my judgment (and then actions) is sound.

It’s perfectly acceptable to put some boundaries in place before having this talk. I don’t know exactly what it is that you fear (maybe he’s been worried about this in particular and now you are about to confirm it, and you fear an “I told you so?” Something like that?) But you can preface this convo by asking him to listen to you and to not be judgmental. To take the information and digest it for a bit. And then you two can discuss it at a later time where emotional heat is less likely. Of course, only you know if this will work with your husband.

Bottom line is, the kids’ safety has to come before our mental health. Ideally, we can work it all out for the better, but this has to be the priority. Once you can secure their safety, then start the process of discovery, understanding, grieving, and ultimately healing. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP again.

Right now I don't think I could handle a huge emotional outburst on his part. And seriously I have no idea how he is going to react. I've already stated I was surprised at my own reaction.

I totally understand. How about just telling him exactly that up front? It's amazing how well most people can pull themselves together to be supportive, especially when the people they love ask them to do so.

If it were me, I would sit him down and literally say that I don't want to scare him, but I learned an absolutely horrible secret about my family. I'd say that I'm an absolute wreck about it and am having a really hard time dealing, so I need him to focus on being really calm and supportive when I tell him. I would literally ask him if he can do that. Once he focuses and agrees to stay calm and supportive, I would tell him.

Good luck, hon. You're doing great with an horrific situation. Do whatever it takes to get the support you need to get through it.

another issue is dh might have noticed that you are stressed or not yourself. He could be wondering if there is a problem in the marriage or with your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

17:14 here. I respectfully disagree with everything this poster has said. Her mother has suffered enough. Also, please put this into context for her generation--people really did not discuss pedophilia/incestual pedophilia like society deals with it today. Regardless of what everyone thinks, victims still feel judged by society/family and I believe this poster is seriously judging the grandmother even now. You do not know her story.


The grandmother is now confronting issues that have been on the backburner her entire life--believe me, it's not easy. She realized what her brother was doing and she took action. Most pedophiles are usually attracted to a particular age range. Who knows what this particular age this pedophile is attracted to, but sounds like the grandmother was looking out for the grandchildren. To now remove her grandchildren from her would be cruel.

"She realized what her brother was doing and she took action"....Im sorry, but what action did she take? She was molested by him as a child and then let her grandchildren around him. I was molested over a span of 5 years as a child. There is no way I would take my grandchildren around my molester. I was not judging the grandmother, I was just saying that since she withheld information from her daughter, the daughter was sure to have anger over and that maybe it would be better to take a break from Mom as well. It's

[Anonymous]

OP,

You don't have to do anything immediately. If the uncle is in another state, that is good. There is less of an immediate threat. So take a deep breath.

I hope you will go see a counselor to talk out all these feelings.

Meanwhile though I agree with other posters who say that this situation and secret keeping could take a toll on your relationship with your husband. I would worry about that.

I like the ideas of others who say sit him down and tell him how you need him to be calm, etc. etc. But only you know your husband.

I do not think you should put your mom in a position where your husband lashes out at her. The poor woman is already a wreck. If you fear he will do that then you will need to tell him very carefully. But really, do you think he will do that?

There is no shame in taking two weeks to tell him. A therapist might be able to get him to understand that. Heck it took your mother 50 years. You were put in a very difficult situation and you have been processing the info for two weeks, while (from what I have read) your kids have been safe from him because he's in another state. You have done nothing wrong.

Are you Christian? I'm no Biblical expert, but some thoughts: I think a husband and wife are supposed to be one entity. No one and nothing is supposed to interfere and come between them. No outsider, no secrets. Even one's relationship with one's own children and parents is actually supposed to come second. (Although I will admit I don't personally agree with the children coming second... they didn't ask to be born, but anyway....)

"Forsaking ALL others". While you want to protect your mom from pain and I understand your loyalty to her, your first loyalty is to your husband. Right?

[Anonymous]

OP, I want to add my moral support for you and speak in concurrence with the posters who've suggested coaching your husband first on what you need from him before you share this information. It's been my experience that people really rise to the occasion when you ask them to. Your husband loves you and will WANT to be there for you, especially when he sees your pain.

I think, too, that most men are action-oriented/problem solvers and can feel overwhelmed or impotent when they can't "fix" things. If you frame what you need in terms of specific things for him to do-- i.e. listen actively, stay calm, help you find a therapist, help you strategize on ways to support your mother, hug you, etc. , whatever you can think of-- his masculine brain will probably respond better.

One other thing, you say you couldn't deal with it if he gets really upset, too. But your worry about his reaction is already an emotional burden that you're carrying on top of everything else. So by not telling him, you're having to deal with this additional worry while at the same time depriving yourself of his potential support.

And take inspiration from your mom. Coming out with this now at her age and generation and after all this time is tremendously courageous. You are her daughter and you're strong enough, too.

Best wishes for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

17:14 here. I respectfully disagree with everything this poster has said. Her mother has suffered enough. Also, please put this into context for her generation--people really did not discuss pedophilia/incestual pedophilia like society deals with it today. Regardless of what everyone thinks, victims still feel judged by society/family and I believe this poster is seriously judging the grandmother even now. You do not know her story.


The grandmother is now confronting issues that have been on the backburner her entire life--believe me, it's not easy. She realized what her brother was doing and she took action. Most pedophiles are usually attracted to a particular age range. Who knows what this particular age this pedophile is attracted to, but sounds like the grandmother was looking out for the grandchildren. To now remove her grandchildren from her would be cruel.

"She realized what her brother was doing and she took action"....Im sorry, but what action did she take? She was molested by him as a child and then let her grandchildren around him. I was molested over a span of 5 years as a child. There is no way I would take my grandchildren around my molester. I was not judging the grandmother, I was just saying that since she withheld information from her daughter, the daughter was sure to have anger over and that maybe it would be better to take a break from Mom as well. It's

Just wanted to note that the person who responded and said they were "17:14 here" was NOT actually 17:14. The post on 17:14 was mine, and I am trusting that this was an innocent error on the part of the person responding.

OP, whatever you do, do not get engaged with people on here about such a sensitive topic. Take the advice for what it's worth and find a therapist to explore your feelings and your next steps with. Topics like this evoke such intense emotions - and it is simply impossible really to imagine living with such a situation until you have done so. You have my continued best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP. I did not respond last night as this tends to get me worked up and puts me in a mental place which is not good. First, thanks to everyone for the words of support.

I think what really took me by surprise were my feelings and how I don't feel able to cope with them. I wasn't sure if this was normal or not and if I was overreacting by thinking I might need counseling.

I do want to respond to some of the questions.

I am not going to confront my uncle. There is no need. He lives in another state and it is pointless to have a conversation with him. He will deny everything and tell me my mother is lying and crazy. He does not like women and has zero respect for him. At one point in his career he was accused of sexual harassment by a woman, so this gives you an idea of his beliefs about females.

I probably did not do a very clear job explaining how difficult it was for my mother to tell me this. Believe me, this was a woman in some serious pain. I don't think I've ever heard anyone tell me anything in quite so much pain. At the same time I was stunned.



Now I feel uncomfortable telling my husband as it has been about 2 weeks since I found out. I don't think my children were molested, but I do think they were put in a bad situation and this does make me uncomfortable. And as one of the previous posters pointed out, my mother did recognize that he was trying to groom one of the children. Which is one of the reasons why she did confront him and told him she didn't want him around anymore. I'm sad it took so long for her to do this. She did not seek therapy for several more months. The confrontation occurred in July and she started therapy in November. We also had some other family drama in October which resulted in the therapy.

Geez, we sound like some bad Lifetime movie.

My parents are together. And initially I encouraged her to tell him, but at the same time now I understand some of her reticence. Because in a weird way I'm experiencing the same emotions. I can't push this with her. She is working with a therapist and the therapist wants her to share this with him(my father). This is something which they will have to work on together.

I've always known there were some family secrets, and my fear this is not the end. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Hey OP-17:14 here. Once again, I completely understand everything you're feeling--it's a tremendous amount of pain, both physically and psychologically. I am really sorry that you have to experience this--I would like to tell you that it gets better, but it's different for different people.

I also feel for your mother, because she has been reliving this every day of her life--it is so brave for her to come forward after all these years. I'm sure she has a tremendous amount of guilt for not telling you sooner--and of course she was sickened at the thought of your children being around him. Regardless of what the others say, please be gentle with her b/c because she's probably very fragile now. And I understand why she's having a hard time telling your father, too. Incest is one of the most taboo subjects in our society because of the social and moral boundaries that are crossed. I agree that it's best for her to decide when and if she'll tell your father.

OK. So it's good he's out of state. And you're correct that confronting this individual will not make him feel any remorse or change his ways. I tried to confront the person who did this to me and it caused a lot more psychological scarring b/c not only did he not apologize, accept responsibility or show any remorse, he told that I wanted it and what could he do. I haven't seen or spoken to him in 20 years. FWIW, the profile of your uncle is very similar to the person who hurt me--no respect for women, sexual harassment complaints at work, always flirting with vulnerable young women with youngish children--actually using me and my sisters as a cover to lure other children. Since the predators are sociopaths, they understand the damage that has been done. Years, after everything came out, my mother never believed anything either, just like your grandmother. I have no doubt your grandmother has her own issues.

IMO, It will be easier the sooner you tell your husband, but this decision is yours. You learned that blurting it out when doing holiday errands might not be the best way--but sometimes it's all that can managed. Perhaps if you write your husband a letter and tell him what you have learned and all the feelings that you're having. You can ask him to go away and read it and come to you when he's ready--who knows how he will react. (he may know someone else who this has happened to) At least through a letter you will be able to be factual about the incidents and tell him your love for him and your children.

One last thing, for the love of it all, ignore all the bible beating wack jobs on this board--it's not their goddamn Lifetime movie--It's yours--own it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

17:14 here. I respectfully disagree with everything this poster has said. Her mother has suffered enough. Also, please put this into context for her generation--people really did not discuss pedophilia/incestual pedophilia like society deals with it today. Regardless of what everyone thinks, victims still feel judged by society/family and I believe this poster is seriously judging the grandmother even now. You do not know her story.


The grandmother is now confronting issues that have been on the backburner her entire life--believe me, it's not easy. She realized what her brother was doing and she took action. Most pedophiles are usually attracted to a particular age range. Who knows what this particular age this pedophile is attracted to, but sounds like the grandmother was looking out for the grandchildren. To now remove her grandchildren from her would be cruel.

"She realized what her brother was doing and she took action"....Im sorry, but what action did she take? She was molested by him as a child and then let her grandchildren around him. I was molested over a span of 5 years as a child. There is no way I would take my grandchildren around my molester. I was not judging the grandmother, I was just saying that since she withheld information from her daughter, the daughter was sure to have anger over and that maybe it would be better to take a break from Mom as well. It's

Just wanted to note that the person who responded and said they were "17:14 here" was NOT actually 17:14. The post on 17:14 was mine, and I am trusting that this was an innocent error on the part of the person responding.

OP, whatever you do, do not get engaged with people on here about such a sensitive topic. Take the advice for what it's worth and find a therapist to explore your feelings and your next steps with. Topics like this evoke such intense emotions - and it is simply impossible really to imagine living with such a situation until you have done so. You have my continued best wishes.

This is absolutely untrue--I am 17:14 and I have responded three times on this board-- you are--words cannot describe how despicable you are. I am alerting Jeff (and while doing this exposing myself as a victim ) to this message so that your message and hopefully ban you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may really upset you or sound mean, but I would look into maybe distancing yourself from your Mother as well as your Uncle, until you can get some therapy, regarding this.

-Why would it take your Mother 3 years to tell you about her molesting brother, when she knows he is around her Grandchildren.

-Why the secrecy from your husband and hers? Is she protecting your Uncle or something?

I realize sexual abuse is very rampant in familes, and I do believe the reason it is, is because of things EXACTLY like this.
People dont want to cause 'problems' or want to keep everything hush hush, and what good does that do? Nothing. It lets the offender off the hook.

I can't tell you how many people I know who've been sexually abused by family members and chose to just deal with it inside the family or not at all for fear of breaking up family relations.
If this scenario involved you and your brother, would you let your brother around your children for 3 years?

17:14 here. I respectfully disagree with everything this poster has said. Her mother has suffered enough. Also, please put this into context for her generation--people really did not discuss pedophilia/incestual pedophilia like society deals with it today. Regardless of what everyone thinks, victims still feel judged by society/family and I believe this poster is seriously judging the grandmother even now. You do not know her story.


The grandmother is now confronting issues that have been on the backburner her entire life--believe me, it's not easy. She realized what her brother was doing and she took action. Most pedophiles are usually attracted to a particular age range. Who knows what this particular age this pedophile is attracted to, but sounds like the grandmother was looking out for the grandchildren. To now remove her grandchildren from her would be cruel.

"She realized what her brother was doing and she took action"....Im sorry, but what action did she take? She was molested by him as a child and then let her grandchildren around him. I was molested over a span of 5 years as a child. There is no way I would take my grandchildren around my molester. I was not judging the grandmother, I was just saying that since she withheld information from her daughter, the daughter was sure to have anger over and that maybe it would be better to take a break from Mom as well. It's

Just wanted to note that the person who responded and said they were "17:14 here" was NOT actually 17:14. The post on 17:14 was mine, and I am trusting that this was an innocent error on the part of the person responding.

OP, whatever you do, do not get engaged with people on here about such a sensitive topic. Take the advice for what it's worth and find a therapist to explore your feelings and your next steps with. Topics like this evoke such intense emotions - and it is simply impossible really to imagine living with such a situation until you have done so. You have my continued best wishes.

This is absolutely untrue--I am 17:14 and I have responded three times on this board-- you are--words cannot describe how despicable you are. I am alerting Jeff (and while doing this exposing myself as a victim ) to this message so that your message and hopefully ban you.

Now this is just plain weird.

[Anonymous]

Will the real 17:14 please stand up? I'm sure it was just a mistake.

[Anonymous]

i'd like to point out there are two posts with the 17:14 time stamp.

[Anonymous]

Folks, there are two messages time-stamped 17:14.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I haven't read through all the responses on this last page, but have you considered talking to a therapist first, and then having the therapist present while you tell your husband?

It would be a safe place for you and DH to express your feelings....

Sorry if this has already been suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Folks, there are two messages time-stamped 17:14.

HILARIOUS! This may be my new nominee for silliest DCUM controversy . . . the Great 17:14 Conflict . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Folks, there are two messages time-stamped 17:14.

HILARIOUS! This may be my new nominee for silliest DCUM controversy . . . the Great 17:14 Conflict . . . .

If you will go back and read this thread it's very personal and painful, but it's problem that we need to confront as a society and as parents. By no means have the experiences I have shared here.. hilarious... and I would expect people to understand and be respectful.