Need some advice, my Mom dropped a huge bit of info on me over Xmas

[Anonymous]

My Mother is 59 and recently started therapy. I have been urging her to go to therapy for many years and was thrilled when she finally decided it was time. She decided to start due to some issues with my uncle (her brother) and my grandmother (her mother). She has never had a good relationship with my uncle. They are oil and water, but we've hobbled along okay as a family. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but for the most part it goes okay. She does not have a good relationship with my grandmother.

Sooo, my mother and I are out taking care of some family business and the topic of my uncle comes up. He recently did some very strange things and this is one of the reasons she started therapy. We started discussing his behavior over the last few years. He had actually distanced himself from me and my mother for about 10 years, but started calling and visiting again about 3 years ago. The reason given was he was wanted to see my children and have a relationship with them.

All of a sudden she tells me she has to tell me something about my uncle. She starts crying and proceeds to tell me he molested her (I don't know the extent) and that she feels dirty and ashamed and never wanted me to know. Her therapist encouraged her to discuss this with me. She then tells me she thinks he is a pedophile and that he renewed contact with me because of my children. Then she tells me my grandmother knows all about his behavior and denies it. Alright, this pretty much blew me out of the water. It really blindsided me. She then told me I couldn't say anything to my husband. She won't tell my father. I now feel like I'm sitting in a bad spot. I don't know what to say to her and I don't know how to deal with my own emotions. Not to mention I'm now concerned about what could have happened with my kids and I'm feeling pretty upset we've continued to have a relationship with this individual even though he is despicable. Honestly I don't know how to handle this or what I should do at this point. On top of which I'm concerned about what my uncle is doing we don't know about and if any other kids are in danger.

I could use some advice. I've been thinking about seeing a therapist myself, but I don't know how to explain this to my husband. I normally share everything with him, but I'm pretty ashamed to admit my uncle is sick and that we've had an ongoing relationship with this man. Even when I was a child. I don't understand how she could let him be around her or me or why it took so long for her to get help.

[Anonymous]

Please go and see a therapist yourself - only because he/she can show you that YOU shouldn't be feeling the shame. (And neither should your mother.)

I'm sorry this happened to your mother, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it now. The only people who should feel shame are the uncle and your grandmother. You and your mother are innocent.

DH was molested by a teacher as a child, so I have been through this. It's very difficult, but a good therapist can walk you through the healing process. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I know nothing about pedophiles. But if you know he didn't molest you, then perhaps he didn't molest your children, and you seem to think they are probably fine because you barely mention that. But is there a reason why you can't approach him directly about this? Do you think he would lie or tell the truth if you asked him?

I would tell my husband. I couldn't hide something like that. I would probably tell my mother I was telling him as well, while reminding her it's not her fault.

It is odd that if she endured that, she would allow him to be around her own children and grandchildren. I don't get that.

But it would be hard for me to process anything, if I were in your shoes, without also talking to the uncle himself.

[Anonymous]

I think you should go with your mother to her counselor if you can and if she will let you, and have the counsellor help your mom to see that this is something you can and should share with your husband.

I can understand wanting to keep mom's confidence BUT there should not be secrets like this between husband and wife.

Do not feel ashamed. This is not something you did.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I'm so sorry! Above all else, you have nothing to be ashamed about. You did not do anything wrong and you are not the least bit responsible for your uncle's horrible behavior. Who he is and what he has done reflects only on him -- not on you!

What is most important here is that you and your family are safe and taken care of. I really think you should tell your DH right away. First because this involves your children's health and safety and second because you need and deserve his support so you can work through all this together. Again, you truly have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about here. And I know your mother asked you not to share this with DH, but secrets can be very harmful (just look at your mother) and this is just too important to keep from him.

FWIW, I would also recommend speaking with a therapist. This is quite a lot to process -- none of it your fault. If it were me, I would want some extra support and help for sure.

All the best to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Share this with your husband. He has the right to know information that could impact his children. If anything, he'll wonder why you don't let your uncle hang out with them anymore, right?

[Anonymous]

Oh my goodness, OP. I'm sorry for what you are going through. What an awful thing to learn. I have not been through this, so the only thing I will offer is to concur very strongly with the other posters who suggest that you share this with your husband immediately. This is not something that you should keep from him - for your own good and for the good of your family.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you are going through and how this has completely rocked your world. I was molested by a family member growing up and it has done tremendous damage to me, my sisters, and my family to this day, and I am now 40 y.o.

I applaud your mother's effort to seek therapy and tell you about this so that you can protect your children. I believe it is really important for molestation victims to tell relatives and others who have proximity to the pedophile, because he cannot be prosecuted and pedophiles are not "cured" or reformed, ever. I do find it disturbing that wh allowed you to be around this man growing up. If you think back, perhaps you will see tell tale signs of her overprotectiveness with him--Did she let you be alone with him, drive in a car, play tickle, wrestle, tag football, swim in pools, go to the beach? Probably not. These are all actions and behaviors to fulfill his sexual needs. And she probably worried about you more than you'll even know. Predators are everywhere and when you've been a victim, I believe, you get sixth sense about this stuff--at least I have.

And, I agree that your uncle is getting close to most likely try to "groom" your children so that he can get close to them. I have seen this happen w/ the person who molested me. He recently tried to become director of a youth group in his church (out of state in the midwest) and my sister travelled to the church to alert the clergy. He was promptly removed from the position. That said, he also tries to appear as a pillar in the community, but word and whispers are slowly getting around.

So, I understand that your mother doesn't want you to tell your husband b/c she feels ashamed and humiliated. Your mother has kept this secret for many years and you have seen the toll it has taken on her (it is like a cancer). It really isn't her place to tell you who you can and cannot tell. If you want to protect your mother, you can tell your husband that you've become aware of the fact that he has molested children and not tell him it was your mother. Naturally, he can draw his own conclusions and you could silently confirm them. Also, I would tell him as soon as possible-- the most basic trust a partner has with a spouse is to protect the kids, otherwise, how could you ever trust that person with the people you most cherish.

Moreover, you need to tell him in effort to protect your children. They are his children too and they could be put into possible danger because of his lack of knowledge of this family member.

Protecting children from predators is not a "shoulda, coulda, woulda" situation--once harm has been done, the psychological effects are irreparable.

I'm happy to exchange info back and forth through this forum on my experience in dealing w/ this and the measures I take to protect my young son. Be well.

[Anonymous]

1. This is NOT your shame to bear - it is your uncle's shame. Do not take it on. It is no reflection upon you.

2. Tell your dh. Your mother does not have the right to direct your communications with your spouse - and it is important and necessary information for ensuring the protection of your children.

3. Cut off contact with your uncle and do not leave your children alone in situations where they might come into contact with him (visiting other family, etc.).

4. Find a good therapist and deal with your feelings of non-protection by your mother (although it is possible she did not recall the information during that period). With help, it is possible to balance your own justifiable feelings of anger and shame with compassion for your mother and gratitude that her love for your children compelled her to face this painful situation.

4. Consider asking your mother if she is willing to bring you into see her therapist with her so that you can air some of your questions in that forum. For instance, you have no first hand knowledge of this, so the issue of whether or not to report your uncle is on your mother and her therapist's plate, not yours.

5. Know that you are not alone. An unfortunate number of us have relatives who are pedophiles. I am one of those as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so terribly sorry you had this dropped on you. I do think you need to discuss this completely with your husband, who needs to be your strongest ally in this. Your mom has her own process to go through, but your process should not be impeded by her fears. You need to fill your husband in, go to a therapist, and have the children evaluated to confirm to everyone (including you) that nothing has ever happened to them. Just confirming that will help you rest a little easier on how to absorb this information.

In any case, best of luck and I'll be keeping you and your children (and your mom) in my prayers.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband -- no reason to keep this from him.

Respect your mother's wishes and do not tell her husband -- she should be the one to tell him if she chooses.

I would confront the uncle or have my DH do it -- either by phone or letter -- and tell him that he is not to contact you or your family or your mother again - and tell him why ("My mother told me everything.").

So sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

So sorry, OP. Tell your husband--for all the reasons listed here and also because you should NOT let this horrible situation now dictate the road your relationship with your husband takes, on top of how destructive it has been to this point. That is, if being open and honest with your husband is what you are normally, do NOT let this change that. Your husband has a right to know as your children's father, to say the least. And you must be able to communicate something so life-altering with your partner. Honestly, there have been too many secrets and lies and too much withheld already. End that; expose it to the light. You must protect yourself and your family. You MUST.

Best of luck to you and your mother. I and many others here are pulling for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The reason given was he was wanted to see my children and have a relationship with them.

OP, I gasped out loud when I read this sentence, and I hadn't even gotten to the part about the molestation yet. I know a thing or two about molestation too, unfortunately, and any male relative who suddenly came poking around because he wanted to have a relationship with my kids would be greeted with the greatest suspicion. Your mom's revelation should send you running screaming from this man.

So I am saying, please DO NOT trust him to be around your children.

I wonder if it is too late for your mother to report this to the police and for him to become a registered offender. I realize this would be a huge step for her but I wonder how else to protect OTHER children from him.

If he has never been caught, and has not been treated, then I suspect it is very likely that his behavior has not changed. I hope you will do all in your power to help keep him out of situations with kids (like the other poster who mentioned a church choir).

And yes you should tell your husband, absolutely no question. He does not need to acknowledge that he knows about this to your mom. She is embarassed and ashamed (she shouldn't be, obviously) and that is why she wants as few people as possible to know. She is not thinking clearly but from a place of very (understandably) twisted emotion. I applaud her courage that she was able to speak up and possibly protect your kids.

To echo another poster whose advice I recently followed on this board, "tell, tell tell!"

To echo a book of my little daughters, "If a secret makes you feel bad inside, you need to tell".

[Anonymous]

Talk to your husband. Hiding this can bring you nothing but trouble.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with other posters about telling your husband. If you think there is any chance your uncle could have harmed your children, you need to get a therapist working with them to determine if anything ocurred so you can also get them the help they need.

Additionally, you and/or your mother really need to get to a point where you can take this to the proper authorities. As others have mentioned if he probably hasn't changed. Now that you know you have the responsibility to help break the cycle of abuse.